azurelunatic | to higher levels

We've found a new level to connect on. Darkside and I are now comparing notes on martial arts techniques and exercises. We may end up setting aside some of our precious mornings in order to spar somewhere. I suggested a few things that might help -- he is having a bit of difficulty balancing sometimes, and is far easier to knock over than he might be.

The people in the computer lab that we were sparring outside of, the guy who made a comment about "heat between the students" the other morning when discussing lab temperature, raised the blinds in order to watch the sparring that was going on. We were having lots of fun out there. Darkside found my center of gravity, shoved. I flew back a few feet.

(Before we went outside to spar, I came within a handspan of grabbing his ass in a blocking move... only realized after I'd removed my hand that I'd been grabbing too personally...)

I love this. I love every bit of this. I love the way he makes me smile. I love the way our energies flow together without needing to constantly recalibrate to fit into each other.

Darkside, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for being obnoxious. I know I do tend to be. Just tell me when I am, right then, and I'll shut it down. [and please, smile after you say it, or I may shut down......] I'm glad you expect me to be there, now... when you go to class...

I am honored to be a part of your life.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

:) I don't know you hardly well enough to make comments about your state of mental health, or lack thereof... :)

It's not good to go for too long without breaking down if you really need to. Watch out for that. If you choose when and where you break down, you've still got the control. If you bottle it up so long it breaks out on its own, then it's got you.

anyway, peace.

yeah, I know you don't know me from a hole in the wall but I had to say something to someone. You seemed like you wouldn't freak. A lot of people would and have. I'm sorry if I dumped on you. Frightening thing is that I don't think it has ever spilled out. I keep it too tightly controlled. I'm afraid to let go, of what might happen. I'm afraid I would hurt someone else. That I wouldn't be able to put myself back together. Of so many things... I wish I knew how to let go. It would be healing. It makes it worse to control it; a fearful, aggressive dog becomes more viscious when beaten and contrlled violently. Same thing here. There has to be a more gentle way to deal with this. Anyway I watched farscape on DVD and distracted myself with some fictional characters' problems for a couple of hours. I feel much better now. Thank you for listening.

I don't tend to freak much about other people's issues these days. My own issues, that's another story, but I can handle those fairly well myself with my intrepid clan.

I've got a few friends who don't let go easily. Basically, what you've got to do is make sure that you're going to be alone, and give yourself a week to recover, and then try it. It hurts like hell, and I recommend (what works for one of my friends) is R.E.M.'s Automatic for the People and a lot of chocolate covered espresso beans. And good books. ...or Farscape would work too.

Hang in there, in short. Sometimes it's possible to let go a little at a time, to let the pressure off, so when you finally do break down completely, it's a small letting off of steam, and not the entire explosion.

You're welcome. That's one thing I do do well, listen.

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Re: Your words made me curious

Re: Your words made me curious

not freaking