Forgiveness, responsibility.

[azurelunatic]

There's the idea that when someone does something terrible to you, that you are obligated, if you ever want to get anywhere in your life, to forgive them and move on.

But when you don't forgive them, can't forgive them...

It's bad enough that they've done something that's made you miserable and furious. It's bad enough that you had to suffer through the pain it all entailed, and live with it, while they got off relatively easily.

But on top of that, you know, somewhere deep down, that everyone around you, everyone who hasn't gone through the same bullshit, is wondering why you can't just forgive them and move on with your life. Maybe if you loved yourself more, you would be able to find the strength within yourself to forgive the rat bastard? It's what's expected. It's what's done. It's what other people have done in the same circumstances. It's vile and unthinkable, is what it is, and they're expecting you to forgive this ratassed monkeyfucker for existing, and coming in contact with your life? I think not!

Yet the expectation is there. Forgive them, and move on. You won't be whole until/unless you do. And then there's the guilt. Is there something wrong with me, that I can't forgive this person, even though they are an asshole loser? The guilt becomes more damaging than the anger.

Sometimes an unfelt forgiveness is extracted. They kneel at your feet, begging forgiveness; you are pressured into saying, "I forgive you," just so they'll leave you alone. But you don't. You haven't. You can't. It's impossible.


If you don't forgive them, don't forgive them. It may take a lifetime to feel like you might forgive them. But until you do actually feel no rage, no anger, no resentment, no deep-lasting hurt... you haven't forgiven them, and to say you have, or feel you should, would be a dangerous lie, an evil self-deception.

Comments

[iwascaite.livejournal.com]

I've been through this.

There are two things you're missing. First, the person-who-was-wrong must actually be sorry, not just want to be forgiven.

Second aspect, if you do manage to forgive someone and they haven't changed, you cannot hold absolved sins against them and therefore cannot prepare for what you know will happen.

There are unforgivable things. And it is good to say, "No." No matter what happens, it's okay to never tell them they are forgiven. If you decide you want to forgive someone, it's your business. No need for them to know. Seems fair that they should eternally be unsure.

I have discovered that the big proponents of obligatory forgiveness are people who haven't suffered more than the emotional equivalent of a skinned knee. If after a some time, you find that maintaining the enduring anger is not worth the effort, then re-evaluate.

Only forgive someone when you are ready to do so. And keep in mind that forgiving someone who isn't genuinely sorry can actually put you in danger. Those kinds of people will do it again and you will not be prepared.

[boojum.livejournal.com]

I think the distinction between "forgive" and "forget" is important here. It's possible to forgive someone something -- to not be angry at them or fearful of them, to stop thinking of what they did at unrelated times, to not avoid them or snap at them -- without forgetting that they did and what that implies about them. If someone borrows my treasured thingymabob and leaves it out in the rain, I may or may not forgive them, but either way I'm less likely to lend them my treasured whatsit when they ask.

There's sort of a gray area of things that might be related to the original fault. I think it's reasonable to assume that the person who left the thingymabob in the rain is in general less likely to be responsible about other things, like showing up on time or babysitting, but I'm not sure where the line is. It might be one of those "I'm learning from my mistakes; you're having trouble forgiving; that person's holding a grudge" things.

[azurelunatic]

I have long since forgiven Shawn for erasing all the data on my calculator, even the notes I needed for the math final the next day.

I have not forgotten it. I am much less likely to give him mission-critical items or data without making sure there is a viable backup plan in place. Just because I do not hold a grudge (over *that* incident) does not mean that I am stupid.

[azurelunatic]

I'm with boojum, and think that there's a very distinct difference between forgiveness and what you're talking about.

Forgiveness, to me, is not being mad at them for that specific offense anymore. I have long since forgiven Shawn for erasing all the data on my programmable graphing calculator, even the things I needed for the math final. I have not forgotten, and am unlikely to give him anything mission-critical without having a backup copy somewhere. Forgiving does not mean leaving your ass unguarded.

There's a difference between still holding their sins against them, and realizing that they are likely to repeat their actions.