Hospitality with dietary restrictions

[azurelunatic]

[Edited to add:

This is apropos of my pulling a wine cooler out of the refrigerator, looking at it, and wondering if it would be polite to offer it to Darkside if he were over, one-on-one in an informal setting. Darkside does not drink alcohol (except for, IIRC, champagne at New Year's) by choice, rather than for medical or religious reasons.]

[Poll #529950]

Comments

[norabombay.livejournal.com]

I say depends. If it's a standard request "No meat, can't eat wheat" type of thing, you can usually just have other items available.

If it's at the point of fatal allergy like peanuts, then you shouldn't serve them to the allergic.

[nilo.livejournal.com]

Here's where I sort of am on this. If one has a vital, life-threatening food allergy (ala peanuts causing death or whatever), then I think it's ok to run this by the host/hostess at the time of the invitation. NOT as one is driving to the function.

But otherwise, if it's a "I don't eat legumes or glucose on Tuesdays" thing, then I don't think it needs to be mentioned. If it's a very, very dear friend, then maybe. But otherwise, no. Come relatively full and plan on having a late-night snack at home afterward. The ONLY way around this might be to say, "I'm doing a food-combining thing, is there anything I can bring which would contribute to your menu? A salad? Grilled tofu?"

[norabombay.livejournal.com]

Right. If I'm having a party, I try to have one item that's meat free.

Like a menu of roast garlic pork, black beans and rice. I don't put pork juice in the beans, as good as it is.

So everybody who isn't into the pork? Can get some food.

But unless there is an allergy to proximity? I don't worry about it.

[azurelunatic]

On behalf of all people who don't do pork, I thank you. (My former roommate was made ill by the meat, even though she loved the taste. Her relatives did not seem to comprehend the "pork = illness" connection.)

[divabat.livejournal.com]

Is the guest Muslim? (Or of another faith that disallows pork?) They may have a problem if the beans & rice were served in the same container or cooked in the same pot that the pork was in (whether currently or ever).

[azurelunatic]

I was thinking more of a one-on-one situation, where the host is already aware of the food preferences of the guest.

[onyxrising.livejournal.com]

It depends entirely on the circumstances, especially whether or not they're you're only guest. Etiquette is always a matter of context.
But if you've a social occassion coming up, you know I'd love to meddle ;)
Oh, and in general for weird etiquette questions, you might find the book "The Bride Wore Black Leather and He Looked Fabulous: an etiquette guide for the rest of us" invaluable. It's etiquette for dealign with alternative religions, altsex people, the queer community, and just about any other quesiton a standard etiquette book won't cover. While I don't think it applies to this situation, it strikes me as the sort of book you'd adore.

[azurelunatic]

(for the rest of the people not in the IM conversation)

No social occasion, just opening the refrigerator, pulling out a wine cooler, and thinking.

Should Darkside come over, would I offer some to him or not? He does not, as a rule, indulge in alcohol. However, he's not religiously or medically prohibited from it, just ... doesn't like it.

figment0, on the other hand, is religiously prohibited from alcohol or caffiene. Would it be polite to offer some to him?

I agree with your conclusion that it would be polite to offer some to Darkside, but not to figment0.

[amberfox.livejournal.com]

I would say, no, it's not polite to offer someone something you know they're prohibited from having.

[wibbble]

I'd say that it's fine to offer Darkside a drink, but rather insulting to offer figment0 one. Of course, it's only insulting because you should know better.

If you know that Darkside doesn't generally drink, then it's probably not worth offering him booze unless you're going to have some yourself, or if you're running through a list of all the drinkables in the house.

[azurelunatic]

On the other hand, it would be insulting for me to offer Darkside an alcoholic drink without making perfectly sure that he understood there was booze in.

[mildred.livejournal.com]

As long as you provide something they *can* eat, then providing stuff they can't shouldn't be a problem - but then it depends on whether they are coming over alone or you are entertaining a lot of people.

If their dietary requirements are extremely specific, then you could ask them to bring refreshments, or at least let you know exactly what will be acceptable.

Plus, it depends if they just do not like something, are avoiding something for medical reasons or are severely allergic and a whiff of it could cause problems.

Generally I'd make sure there was something they could eat or drink around.

[azurelunatic]

In situations with a whole bunch of specific dietary requirements, I might as well make it a potluck, with ingredients listings...

[kiwiria.livejournal.com]

It depends on how many things are unacceptable. If it's only one or two things you cannot eat, I'd offer a list of unacceptable items only. If there are a LOT of things you cannot eat, I'd offer a list of acceptable things, with the unacceptable items at the end.

[xinef.livejournal.com]

Depends on the number coming to dinner and the circumstances. My mother-in-law doesn't eat meat. So when we have her to dinner, we make sure that we can give her a complete meal, but our portions may include meat. Some years ago, we had a number of friends over for dinner, one of whom was allergic to shellfish. With his approval, we did have shrimp with the fondue, but we had two fondue pots going, one down at his end was kept shellfish free. Worked very nicely. In another dinner group, one person doesn't like lamb. Since that would be a major part of any main course we prepared, we just don't serve lamb to that group.

[azurelunatic]

Reasonable solutions. *grin*

One of these days, I'll entertain more...

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

It depends on the reason for the restrictions. If it's medical based, one should not offer the unacceptable item at all; that would just be plain rude. I do not offer anything with mushrooms or eggs in it to Meercat - she's allergic to them, and that's tempting her with things that might be tasty but will HURT her if she accepts. Don't offer sweets to a diabetic. Don't offer peanut butter to someone allergic to peanuts. If it's religious based, don't offer it. Again, that's tempting them to hurt themselves, albeit the hurt would be spiritual and mental. Whether you *agree* with their religion or their religious-based choice matters not - they have made a commitment to their deity to abstain from something, and one ought to honor that commitment, if one honors the freedom to make one's own religious choices at all. (And I've just discovered that I spell the noun 'honour' with a u, but am mentally required to spell the *verb* 'honor' without. How odd. It's rather like I consider the colours 'grey' and 'gray' to be two different colours.)

However, if it is simply a behaviour preference, and not based on any strong *reason* or conviction, then by all means, offer the item, but *do* offer "acceptable" items as well. It is not rude to offer someone who does not normally drink, an alcoholic drink. This leaves the choice with them; they are capable of declining or accepting. Offering multiple items at once makes it clear you are giving them the choice and no onus or stigma is attached to choosing any particular item.

However, this last portion of advice is based on knowing the person you are asking about, so I should qualify that as well - it also depends on *whom* you are speaking about. Some persons will take offense if you offer them an item that they know that you know they do not want. If you offer someone who is on a diet a sweet treat, for instance...some people will simply decline, some people will be tempted, and some people will be offended and pissed off at you for offering it to them, as "You know I'm on a diet and can't eat that!!" If you know the person well enough to distinguish which kind of person they are, then you can choose to offer the item amongst other choices, as discussed above. If you *don't* know the person well enough to be certain they will not take offense...then perhaps one should be better safe than sorry. ^_^

[azurelunatic]

I think my blonder half would be fine either way. He's a good blonder half, he is...

Re: diet restrictions

[wolfieboy.livejournal.com]

Considering that even the smallest amount of beef makes me violently ill, if someone mentions it in a list of things they are offerring me, I feel compelled to tell/remind them that I'm allergic to beef and somewhat allergic to pork. It's just a thing of making sure that I don't ingest any and possibly getting help with such...