azurelunatic | Writers and silliness and poems, oh my!

#1 thing that I miss my cellphone for: the timer. (Cellphone is still drying out. We'll see if it works again.) Timer is a very good thing for group, as group has gotten used to the idea of it beeping and time being up.

There were a lot of good things at group tonight. Poking people and getting them to share stuff to help get over sticking points is a whole lot of fun and really helps with the creative process. I should push a little harder more often.

Dinner was fun. There was the thing with the syrup on the chair (I saw a chair with syrup on the seat, I tried to get our server's attention, our server was preoccupied, and then knelt in the syrup while taking our orders, oops) and the teabagging discussion, and all sorts of other things. Evidently the way I eat has been deemed sexy by M, which is amusing.

There was weirdness with a thing, so there was a massive convergence upon some Fresh Start peoples.

myrrhianna and I worked on debunking some idiotic internet myths. ZOMG where do these people get their bad ideas about IP addresses? *smacks heavily* I probably should work on not shouting "bullshit" in a crowded room, though.

I should also work on volume control. A dramatic reading of the story behind "Dogfire" wound up with the ladies next door shouting back at us.

I'm still so very glad that Darkside got to spend some geek bonding time with my friends. Yay!

Still battling psychotic paranoia. Either I'm crazy or I'm crazy, and only time and so forth will tell exactly what kind of crazy it is. I'm hoping for the mere "there's something wrong with my senses" level, because that would be a relief and I wouldn't have to re-learn all kinds of social things. I hate having to re-learn social rules and skills, because on some level I still know I'm no good with it. But this is exhausted-tired talk talking here, so I need bed more than I need introspection.

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I talk about the paranoia in public because if I don't talk at least around it in public, it gets worse.

I could just say "I'm having a paranoia flare-up" and leave it at that, but I don't feel like making a private post with details, and in order for it to get better, I need to write at least vague details somewhere.

But yes. Flare-up. I have no idea whether it's warranted or unwarranted. I suspect a little of both, just to make things confusing.

I have to talk about it in public, or else it turns into something shameful to be hidden. It's not the sort of thing that is worth getting professional help from at this point, but I should probably mention it at whatever next mental health check I have, if it gets more serious than just this. I can't make it disappear if I have it in public, and I hope to fucking gods that I don't make it worse somehow.

Clarity: "make it disappear" = make myself ignore it and pretend it's not there. Wish I could make it go *away*, but that's not "make it disappear".

I probably should work on not shouting "bullshit" in a crowded room, though.

I've done this (or something like it) many times, and I'm sure i'll do it many more times before it's over.

I should also work on volume control. A dramatic reading of the story behind "Dogfire" wound up with the ladies next door shouting back at us.

For all of my bitching about volume control, i'm shitty when it comes to it myself.

It would probably be dangerous for you and I to meet in a restaurant. Dangerous, and fun. I want to come visit you this summer for such an undertaking. Much raucous fun will be had.

Still battling psychotic paranoia. Either I'm crazy or I'm crazy, and only time and so forth will tell exactly what kind of crazy it is. I'm hoping for the mere "there's something wrong with my senses" level, because that would be a relief and I wouldn't have to re-learn all kinds of social things. I hate having to re-learn social rules and skills, because on some level I still know I'm no good with it.

Am having trouble with this pretty consistently myself, but it's so constant i'm pretty used to it.

Heee. Writers group is already insane enough that one more person rarely makes a difference! That could be lots of fun!

The paranoia thing is something I have to keep careful watch on, because it otherwise threatens to eat my head. I don't want that.

The paranoia thing is something I have to keep careful watch on, because it otherwise threatens to eat my head. I don't want that.

I've noticed it in my behavior really the past 5-6 years... worsening as I get older, but i've had it in some measure or another since the beginning. I'm just that way I guess, but I have to watch to make sure it doesn't get to unreasonable levels. There are times to be paranoid and times not to, and i'm trying to learn to differentiate.

Re: writers group, good point. And it would be lots of fun :D

My problem tends to be either "people are talking about me behind my back" or "this behavior is caused by THEY HATE ME BECAUSE I AM A FREAK AND HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO WEIRD THEM OUT AND OMG I LOSE AT LIFE". Which sometimes, yes. And sometimes, no. It depends.

At least I don't get the "people are plotting against me"; that would suck.

I don't have the last one. I do have the first two, especially the very first. There is usually hardly any reason for me to think that, either, but that doesn't invalidate the reaction, just the reason.

It is almost like a preventative paranoia for me at this point: I carefully guard everything and carefully police everything concerning me so that there won't be treachery/talk/etc. However, that sort of behavior is unnatural, and will cause people to talk. Which leads to you wondering if they are, and policing to make sure they can't, etc. A cycle.

Sometimes I wonder what it is like not to have this sort of thinking process, but I'm of the "Be prepared!" school of thought, and besides; my behavior might be regarded as paranoid, but that doesn't mean that there aren't really problems out there to guard against.

It's the song that never ends, the 21st century version.

And I think that even though I regard this as self-protection, it makes me a difficult person to live with. Think Michael Corleone in Godfather II.

Think Michael Corleone in Godfather II.

Except without all the hitting and killing, etc.

It's all good until it starts interfering with having sane interactions with other people, and then it gets annoying.

Oh yes. I know >.>

The blonder half has been teaching me by example that I should try to stop assuming that it's worst-case-scenario if contact gets lost or something inexplicable happens, and that's been helping a lot.

I think that's probably the best thing he could do. If someone close to you can provide a type of grounding, it helps a lot.

Fortunately, it's not a Huge Scary Thing very often, just when my sleep and hormones are acting up. Bleh.

Ah. Well, it's good it isn't all the time! Mine is all the time, heh.

Writers and silliness and poems, oh my!

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