the spear in the heart of the Other

[azurelunatic]

The Spear in the Other’s heart is the spear in your own: you are he. - Surak, Spock's World, Diane Duane

When I hear the voice in the back of my head whispering cruelly: "You castigate others fiercely for denying c'thia, and yet you deny c'thia yourself in a thousand tiny ways each day," my first thought is to fight. Deny, destroy, get the hurtful intruder out.

I've been down that path a lot. The harder I fight it, the harder I claim it's wrong, the worse I fall, because while that voice is cruel, it knows from experience that the deadliest weapon it has to skewer me with is things which are true in objective fact. I am harsh at people who deny c'thia, that handy Vulcan word that represents the unwavering truth that includes and transcends all individual experiences. Yet in my daily life there are so many moments where I think and act in ways that are inconsistent with the harmony with c'thia that I purport to desire to embody. The voice reminds me: This is c'thia. That is you. See how they do not match up?

This process gets tiresome. I do not like this voice. It tells me about things that I know I should change, but have not yet. It points out all the shortcomings without fail, and does not make allowance for the good things. Listening to it, I would believe that I am nothing but failure, and then feel bad about myself for believing myself a failure in the face of my clearly awesome accomplishments. One cannot win.

Greetings and defiance. I really have been stabbing myself in the heart, haven't I.

Greetings and defiance, fairest and fallen. You would have me fail more by pointing out all my existing failures, twisting the virtues I seek to uphold into unattainable nightmares. And here I am trying to stab you and make it worse. The spear in Your heart is the spear in my own, for You are me.

I've wrestled too many years with you to have not learned a few tricks. First, I'll pin you down with words and strip naked in public, exposing both of us to the clean light of the internet. Then, I'll take these two little green capsules, the ones that keep my brain chemistry clear enough to recognize You for Who You are. Then, I'll go to bed, because You always do seem to come out when I need sleep.

Comments

[alexseanchai]

Ah, brainweasels. Joy. Hugs?

[azurelunatic]

Hugs! :D

[vass]

Sleep well. And confusion to your enemies.

[azurelunatic]

Thank you.

[majoline]

*sends all the energy I can spare*

[azurelunatic]

Thank you.

[cleverthylacine]

yeah, I don't think that voice is the voice of c'thia. In point of fact, the voice I have that says things like that is a liar. You can in fact totally lie with facts, if you choose them right.

[azurelunatic]

Indeed so.

[tamouse]

Agreed -- the conscious mind can be vicious, it lies to us constantly, tells us things are such and so when they are not. Even the voice saying "you are not c'thia" is lying. You are. You are truth. Not all thoughts and beliefs are truth, but you (and when I say "you" I do mean "me") are not your thoughts and beliefs, you just have them. Searching for c'thia, like all other truths, means not listening to the voices that say you don't have it, you are not it, you are false. It means reaching beyond the conscious mind into the infinite beyond, and learning about that which transcends the voices that deny it.

[litotease]

♥

(Inadequate, but all I've got.)