Things Azz is not allowed to do as a virtual minion (part 3)

[azurelunatic]

Part 2

Azz is not Skippy. Many of these things are rules gathered from situations encountered, rather than actual orders issued. My long-suffering Overlady does in fact know where to find my blog if she so chooses.

39. Should not come to work if I am actively a zombie.
40. Not allowed to emulate Facebook employees and discuss technical work information in the clear on Caltrain.
41. While 10 copies of The Mythical Man-Month would be a hilarious way to underscore a point with an unrealistic manager, we do not appear to have any of those in our department. (I did not pull this prank; I heard about it on Twitter.)
42. Even though getting a papercut from a post-it is a stupid workplace injury, it should probably still be reported as one.
43. Should not cause the fancy, expensive, imported espresso machine to explode. Or dribble water all over the counter.
44. Yes, the gods of the supply closet have yielded 25 each scissors and rulers unto me. They are not, however, to be used for nefarious purposes.
45. Not allowed to have knife fights on the footbridge over IRC nicknames. (Actual order first issued by Rah.)
46. Complaining about the fortune cookies is permitted, but uncouth. (Not only not me, but those fortune cookies sounded awesome.)
47. Should refrain from trolling co-workers who have made incorrect gender assumptions based on lack of overt gender cues in name, and presence in an IRC channel in a technical workplace.
48. It is not necessary to share the "urethra bees" concept with any co-worker, even if it is in an IRC channel.
49. Regardless of how bad that printer actually is, "black & shite" is an unacceptable (if accurate) typo for the purposes of internal documentation.
50. If a manager says that a particular employee is no longer with us, there is no need to ask clarifying questions about his whereabouts.
51. Should refrain from getting into situations where giving IT my network password is in fact the best and only way to troubleshoot the situation. (I did not actually cause the situation, but I was certainly in it.)
52. After giving IT my network password and having them fix stuff, I must change it promptly.
53. Should not share my true feelings about certain in-house technologies with the names attached in public.
54. Should feel free to file bugs about any in-house technology that is not behaving acceptably, especially if it is interfering with my job function. (Heh, heh, heh.)
55. Probably should not make Homestuck references in helpdesk tickets.
56. Not allowed to snipe scheduled conference rooms by showing up five minutes before one meeting ends and barging in before the people who actually scheduled it arrive.
57. As funny as it is to have a joke name such as "James Tiberius Kirk" on an office door, it doesn't help the people using the directory to find your office who have never met you actually locate you. (This is not me.)
58. "Beware of the Leopard" jokes should be used sparingly.
59. Not all Thinkpad laptops are actually named Jim; insisting this is so may attract some weird looks from co-workers.
60. "Let's make friendship bracelets!" is an excellent proposal to air when timed to make the grandboss spray coffee, but not a viable proposal for a fun activity at an upcoming conference.
61. When filing a humorous ticket (in an attempt to snag helpdesk ticket 1,000,000) about the "ceiling of the big blue room leaking", make sure that the facilities guys realize that it's a joke.
62. Should not initiate brawls that kick the meeting schedule off the rails. (Initiating brawls is fine as long as they're productive; it's shredding the meeting schedule that's the problem.)
63. "Over 9000" is probably not an acceptable way to transcribe the customer's answer to "how many [devices] do you manage", even though it is technically correct.
64. As amusing as the "substitute every instance of 'cloud' with 'clown'" game is at work, work is probably the worst place to actually play it. (My Overlady started this one, but I'm the one who has doodles of clouds with red noses.)
65. Adding "rumpus" to the name of a planned meeting only goes so far to liven it up.
66. Must not name meetings "rumpus" when they're with people outside the department.
67. Really must not name meetings "rumpus" when they're with people outside the company.
68. Not allowed to install a zipline for easier transport between buildings. (This was not me.)
69. Not allowed to use trebuchets for easier transport between buildings. (Again, not me.)
70. Not allowed to use trebuchets to get the attention of Facebook. (Part of the same conversation as the above, also not me.)
71. Not allowed to use any siege engines against Facebook. (It was a particularly fun conversation. Still not me.)
72. Not allowed to order miniature siege engines for table toys at the upcoming conference. (This one? Totally me.)
73. No projectile toys of any kind allowed at the conference.
74. No noisy toys allowed at the conference.
75. Those little branded concave metal discs that you push so the wrong side is briefly convex until it pops? Both noisy and projectile, and therefore *double* not allowed. (Drat!)
76. NO VUVUZELAS.
77. "Bring-your-rooster-to-work day" is not a holiday that this company acknowledges or celebrates.
    
78. If the answer to any question starts with "Well, I ran into this thing on the internet...", that question probably does not need to be answered at work.
79. The answer to all the random annoyances of life is not in fact 'trebuchet'.
80. I am totally allowed to hold the bad web design practices of caterers against them when narrowing down the field.

Part 4

Comments

[siliconshaman]

You know, one of these days when I'm CEO of some company I'm going to use these rules as a guideline as to what is allowed . Probably won't get as much work done, but it'll be a fun office!

[elf]

I want to learn code so I can work in an office like yours. (This is likely a short-term desire; I really want to scan & convert textbooks for students with disabilities. Even if the office is not the kind that discusses the merits of trebuchets as office supplies.)

[vass]

Not allowed to emulate Facebook employees and discuss technical work information in the clear on Caltrain.

So, does this mean you are allowed to discuss technical work information on Caltrain if you're speaking in cypher? And if so, how strong does the cypher need to be? Are we talking igpay atinlay, or something tougher?

[silveradept]

Your workplace sounds much more fun than mine, even when it's only "fun". Although I did get away with a lot of horrible puns in a program...

[krait]

41. While 10 copies of The Mythical Man-Month would be a hilarious way to underscore a point with an unrealistic manager, we do not appear to have any of those in our department.

I would like to know details of this prank. :D

55. Probably should not make Homestuck references in helpdesk tickets.

Probably? "Probably" is not "prohibited"! (Hesitation is weakness! Seize the momentum!)

68. Not allowed to install a zipline for easier transport between buildings. (This was not me.)

This sounds like a proposal I would make. :D

[krait]

At that time, I will come and work for you! :D

[azurelunatic]

Only part of this is inherent to the workplace; a lot of this is what I bring with me. I suspect that I am a very surreal co-worker to have.

[azurelunatic]

Apparently (I say because I don't know any of the people involved, and don't remember where I heard this) there was some manager somewhere else who was of the opinion that throwing people at the problem would get it solved in an unrealistic amount of time faster. So 10 of the employees involved each got a copy of The Mythical Man-Month and presented them to this manager; 10 copies of course meant that he could read the thing faster.

My helpdesk request was about a keyboard doubling strokes; I'm not sure if anyone who touched the ticket understood the meaning of "I type enough like Sollux Captor without its help", but it amused me. The eventual solution was that it was a flaky USB scenario, and I should try another port, or maybe not route my keyboard through the flaky 10-key.

[azurelunatic]

Hooray horrible puns! Horrible puns are always called for.

[azurelunatic]

There is someone in my building who has a desktop siege engine.

[azurelunatic]

Probably something tougher. Whatever it is, it shouldn't be trivially understandable by a senior researcher for a company that routinely discusses using siege engines against your company.

[owl]

40 sounds like an interesting tale. I've probably done something similar myself, but got away with it because IT people on the train are somewhat less common where I am.

[azurelunatic]

This is Silicon Valley, and as far as I can tell, the reason you don't trip over a Googler every time you try to get on or off the train is because there are Googlebuses which are quicker and more free than the train.

[azurelunatic]

Also, it's probably worth noting that I don't code -- I know enough dev stuff from training and exposure that I am not entirely lost, but my actual job function is less wrangling code and more helping the interns (we have a nest of interns!) order office supplies.

Technical offices need support staff too, and though does help if the support staff can file their own bugs.

I probably would not have the freedom to share in this kind of detail if more of my work involved the pre-release underbelly of the company's code.

[lacey]

77 is a holiday I celebrate... well, every work day! No one else has to celebrate it for me to celebrate it :)

[azurelunatic]

I have yet to name mine. Perhaps I should ask for suggestions.

[cxcvi]

73: Damn, no Nerf guns?

[azurelunatic]

That one applies to the conference. Though I haven't seen any of them in action in the actual workplace either.

[cxcvi]

Potato.

[vass]

I am picturing them on the train, painstakingly counting playing cards to encrypt the message, saying the cyphertext out loud, then writing it down and decrypting it.

[cleverthylacine]

at least you don't type like Gamzee?

Anyhow naming things "rumpus" is also a Homestuck ref.

[cleverthylacine]

Imagine if there was a Bring Your Rooster to Work day. Now imagine you work with the Bloggess.

My work here is done.

[azurelunatic]

Part 4: http://azurelunatic.dreamwidth.org/6954364.html

[azurelunatic]

It's a slightly less blatant one; you don't actually have to know that it's a reference to realize that it's not entirely coherent.

[azurelunatic]

Every day with me is Bring Your Rooster to Work day.