Thank you. (Depression, past thoughts of suicide.)

[azurelunatic]

Thank you to River, who did have time one afternoon when I called asking if he had time to talk. I don't remember what we talked about. I don't remember if I told him that it was very good that he'd had time, because I was desperately in need of human contact, and he was the last person on my list of people who wouldn't make it worse.

I was very careful to ask if he had time. Starting a conversation and having someone turn out to be too busy would have been another rejection, and I knew how very precarious my brain was just then.

After that, I owed him one. A big one.


Then there was boojum, who called when I posted a desperate entry with my new phone number. I fell entirely apart that time, just a sobbing mess.


Ro took me apart and gave me the tools to put myself back together, with near-infinite patience.

Darkside had less patience, but would never hurt me, and didn't take too kindly to me being cruel to myself.


When I went long enough without a job to be convinced I was worthless, and was incapacitated enough with that to be useless at effectively finding one, Kat was just randomly assuring me that I was a worthwhile human being and it totally undid my defenses and I broke down and then a song came on the radio and that helped too. I'd had a plan.


After that I decided that since my brain was going to be that sort of dick, I might as well use mental judo. So now my plan is natural old age.

Comments

[zarhooie]

<3

[azurelunatic]

<3