Swearing at Work: a caveat

[azurelunatic]

I have seen http://nic.ferrier.me.uk/blog/2013_04/swearing-at-work going around, and it says some very sensible things. I have another caution to make.

I am not opposed to swearing with trusted intimates in any private situation, even if that private situation happens to be within the workplace. Behind my Overlady's closed office door, we have used language that would shock a sailor.

However. You are immensely unlikely to be working exclusively with your best friends, and even within a supposedly same-ranked group, some people may have a little or a lot more social power or potential, and may not realize it.

The advice to not swear at people is dead on. Nic suggests swearing at or about bad situations. What went not greatly mentioned is that some complete jerks take it out on everyone around them when they are in a bad situation. I do not mean to imply that you, the reader, are one of these. What I mean to say is that any given person in the room could have known one.

One of the signs of danger in a domestic abuse situation is any form of expressed anger, or signs of loss of control. If you stay very quiet and do not make things worse, you might not get hurt even if the offending object is destroyed.

If you choose to express anger in the workplace, swearing or not, be aware of your colleagues' reactions. Respect it if someone tells you to simmer down, but that is not what to worry about. Look to see if anyone flinches and goes small and quiet, or goes frozen and fragile. The people affected badly are the least likely to speak up.

Dial back the rage, apologize briefly with good humour. "Sorry, it's just so frustrating." And carry on.

Comments

[enemyofperfect]

This is a very good caveat, I think.

[azurelunatic]

Given that one of the usual factors behind people not swearing in the workplace is self-control (rather than it coming naturally), and that one of the situations that is going to tempt people to swear in the workplace are also frustrating enough to exercise self-control enough to weaken it, plus adding swearing to outbursts of frustration is one of the warning signs that someone with anger management issues is about to lose it again... yeah.

[vass]

Dingdingding.

A quiet, wry "well, fuck" is a lot less scary (to me at least) than raised voices and other signs that the situation might escalate.

[azurelunatic]

At one point I was over at a friend's, and her boyfriend got upset over something, and yelly.

I froze.

She mentioned that this reaction to someone getting yelly was perhaps indicative that my past had contained people who went beyond just yelly.

[wendelah1]

If you choose to express anger in the workplace, swearing or not, be aware of your colleagues' reactions. Respect it if someone tells you to simmer down, but that is not what to worry about. Look to see if anyone flinches and goes small and quiet, or goes frozen and fragile. The people affected badly are the least likely to speak up.

This, exactly.

[azurelunatic]

And this is why I apologized to the interns after they saw me with my "somebody's going to die" face on, and let them know that they had done nothing to cause it.

[snippy]

I actually taught myself to say "oh frustrating" instead of "oh fuck" and "sloppy" instead of "shit" at work. With all appropriate emotional tone for the phrases I was trying not to use. It helped around my minor children, too.

[azurelunatic]

I trained myself similarly when I was in a call center environment with live phones all over the place. Especially after that one time where I was monitoring and I heard Rev. Not-So-Nice Supervisor saying something that shouldn't ought to have been said in the background.

(He was the one who had the cheerful little song "I just wanna kill people". He was hilarious -- if you knew him.)

[darkemeralds]

I honestly never, ever thought of this angle. The swearing prohibition has always struck me as simply kind of prudish, catering to the highest-common-denominator of moral rectitude.

When I think over my generally fuck-you attitude I can remember a few silences that I interpreted as "shocked" (as in pearl-clutching) that might, in fact, have been frightened.

The idea of myself as a frightening person is eye opening, to say the least. Thanks for the insight.

[azurelunatic]

I think everybody is potentially frightening to somebody. The thing is figuring out who, and when.

[ravan]

I was talking with a colleague about this the other day. I work in operations, systems engineering. High pressure, site up, etc.

We swear. Fuck, shit, damn, etc.

But the difference, like the author pointed out, is that we don't swear at each other.

It's the difference between "This is fucking stupid" and "You stupid fuck". One you are talking about the work, the other is a personal attack.

I cuss at my computer - it's a thing. I cuss at software - it's a thing. If someone tells us of a new mandate from on high that is idiotic, I'll cuss at it. It's an abstract thing.

Things don't have feelings. My desktop isn't going to get all pouty and run to HR saying I'm abusive.

Cussing then becomes an expression of shared frustration, not personal anger or abuse.

[azurelunatic]

Exactly.

I can't always pin down the reasons why seeing some people angry at things doesn't alarm me, and seeing other people angry at things does. I wonder if some of the distinction is whether I think they see me as a thing rather than a person.

[kimboo_york]

I've seen all flavors of workplace anger handled poorly over the years. To me, it's quite honestly surprising when people use a lot of foul language or start yelling. I just assume they had a poor upbringing (I do not mean financially poor, but poor as in lacking proper parental guidance). I mean, this is all COMMON SENSE.

I once burst out with a quiet but sincere f-bomb at work due to some tech glitch; my boss looked at me and said "It is so strange to hear you curse." I had to laugh because I swear a blue streak pretty regularly, but it is second nature to me to curb it in "professional" environments, be that a job or a classroom or, you know, in public.

But then, I have worked for jerks who felt that screaming insults at their staff was a form of motivation. Some people, honestly, are just crazy. :P

[azurelunatic]

"Fudgemuffins!" was my favorite phone-safe expletive for years. Also, tasty.