Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2014-08-17 12:56 am
azurelunatic) wrote2014-08-17 12:56 am
Entry tags:
A sex dream might have been less embarrassing.
So I woke up to realize that the very pleasant dream that I had been having involved a comfortable bed, something like a ski lodge (and the bed was on the slope or something? it wasn't quite clear) and being the little spoon with a large teddy bear of a fellow.
The dream omitted realistic but unfortunate details such as waking up with a mouthful of hair despite precautions having been taken. I am pretty sure that if he and I ever share sleeping arrangements, his hair is going to become inappropriately intimate with places in my face that won't appreciate it, given what happens when we hug wrong.
I am to hope that my subconscious is taking the clue that things like banging are not actually on the menu in reality. I doubt that platonic napping is likely either, but it's a brain-step in the right direction. If perhaps harder to explain when it will *sigh* inevitably come out in conversation.
Back in 2000/2001, I wasn't allowed to have secrets from BJ. I mean, if I claimed clergy-privilege on something, he'd stop attempting to torture it out of me, but that was a last-ditch thing that I tried, not actually expecting it to work. I could keep something to myself if I said nothing about it and didn't indicate that it existed, but I would have to work on that.
Since I am naturally pretty chatty with those close to me -- I used to come home and tell my mother about my day at school, in excruciating detail every day -- you actually do not have to twist my arm to get me to share. (Figuratively or physically.) If I am close to you, you exhibit an interest in hearing how things are going, and I trust you, you do not actually have to encourage me very much to share in order to hear what is going on.
Despite my general chattiness, after we got together, BJ wanted to know everything that I gave any evidence of not wanting to tell him. He would pester me and tickle me until I told him. Before we got together, he had said that people didn't really have secrets from him. Mostly he accomplished that by noticing little accidental details and asking and asking until people gave in and told him. Once we were together, he added mild physical coercion to the toolset.
(I am sure that I am not blameless; I am sure that I did things in that relationship that would horrify me now. I don't want to remember it, so I don't think about it. But he still should not have been doing that.)
When I say that things will inevitably come out in conversation with Purple, it wants to sound like an echo of my inability to hide things from BJ. It's not.
Purple respects my right to not tell him things. Purple exhibits a radical willingness to be told things in many cases. Purple reassures me that it's very unlikely that he'd take offense at anything I could say to him in good faith, and encourages me when I have trouble articulating stuff. It's always "It's okay -- you won't hurt me", not "It's okay -- I won't hurt you." Even though he wouldn't. He's willing to drop a subject if I don't want to go into it. He remembers my vulnerabilities in order to helpfully avoid them if they come up later, not in order to take advantage of them. He's a really decent guy. Therefore, all sorts of stuff comes up in conversation, and I've learned that even the super embarrassing stuff that touches on our friendship will probably get at least a mention.
I have previously had thoughts touching on Things Involving Purple, wrote them down diligently as I try to do with things that go through my brain, and had the thought: "This is just too personal and embarrassing to mention. I am never going to talk about this with Purple." And yet within the week, I'd find myself slightly pink in the face but mentioning it to Purple. So I've started to accept it as inevitable. I don't know that I'd broach the topic if it doesn't come up by accident, but ...
*facepalm*
The dream omitted realistic but unfortunate details such as waking up with a mouthful of hair despite precautions having been taken. I am pretty sure that if he and I ever share sleeping arrangements, his hair is going to become inappropriately intimate with places in my face that won't appreciate it, given what happens when we hug wrong.
I am to hope that my subconscious is taking the clue that things like banging are not actually on the menu in reality. I doubt that platonic napping is likely either, but it's a brain-step in the right direction. If perhaps harder to explain when it will *sigh* inevitably come out in conversation.
Back in 2000/2001, I wasn't allowed to have secrets from BJ. I mean, if I claimed clergy-privilege on something, he'd stop attempting to torture it out of me, but that was a last-ditch thing that I tried, not actually expecting it to work. I could keep something to myself if I said nothing about it and didn't indicate that it existed, but I would have to work on that.
Since I am naturally pretty chatty with those close to me -- I used to come home and tell my mother about my day at school, in excruciating detail every day -- you actually do not have to twist my arm to get me to share. (Figuratively or physically.) If I am close to you, you exhibit an interest in hearing how things are going, and I trust you, you do not actually have to encourage me very much to share in order to hear what is going on.
Despite my general chattiness, after we got together, BJ wanted to know everything that I gave any evidence of not wanting to tell him. He would pester me and tickle me until I told him. Before we got together, he had said that people didn't really have secrets from him. Mostly he accomplished that by noticing little accidental details and asking and asking until people gave in and told him. Once we were together, he added mild physical coercion to the toolset.
(I am sure that I am not blameless; I am sure that I did things in that relationship that would horrify me now. I don't want to remember it, so I don't think about it. But he still should not have been doing that.)
When I say that things will inevitably come out in conversation with Purple, it wants to sound like an echo of my inability to hide things from BJ. It's not.
Purple respects my right to not tell him things. Purple exhibits a radical willingness to be told things in many cases. Purple reassures me that it's very unlikely that he'd take offense at anything I could say to him in good faith, and encourages me when I have trouble articulating stuff. It's always "It's okay -- you won't hurt me", not "It's okay -- I won't hurt you." Even though he wouldn't. He's willing to drop a subject if I don't want to go into it. He remembers my vulnerabilities in order to helpfully avoid them if they come up later, not in order to take advantage of them. He's a really decent guy. Therefore, all sorts of stuff comes up in conversation, and I've learned that even the super embarrassing stuff that touches on our friendship will probably get at least a mention.
I have previously had thoughts touching on Things Involving Purple, wrote them down diligently as I try to do with things that go through my brain, and had the thought: "This is just too personal and embarrassing to mention. I am never going to talk about this with Purple." And yet within the week, I'd find myself slightly pink in the face but mentioning it to Purple. So I've started to accept it as inevitable. I don't know that I'd broach the topic if it doesn't come up by accident, but ...
*facepalm*
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(I'd offer the real things but we're a good thousand miles distant for that to be practical.)
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I am just so glad that BJ is out of my life.
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It does not terrify the way it did ~six years ago, as I am somewhat physically stronger than I was then, and his business buddy is not currently trying to get us talking again.
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And that
"This is just too personal and embarrassing to mention. I am never going to talk about this with Purple." And yet within the week, I'd find myself slightly pink in the face but mentioning it to Purple.
sounds very familiar: I get that with Mr. E. But it feels good, not awful, you know?
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(It was sufficiently terrible that I stopped being willing to communicate with him within the year after our breakup. For some enlightening contrast, I am still on speaking terms with That Idiot Shawn, the ex who literally set my ponytail on fire one time.)
And yes! Good! Awkward and bewildering and why are we even talking about this and how did we get started and very much the correct decision.
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I mean I do draw a line between behaviour that's technically abusive because the person is neither from Mars nor Venus nor anywhere else in our solar system, and simply doesn't know how to act like a human, and behaviour that's abusive because the person is an abuser. I don't put up with it in either case, but I have different methods of dealing with it.
And wow, I started commenting with Bella because I was short on stabbiness but she's appropriate for this given her perspective.
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