azurelunatic: Pretty sparkly polyhedral dice.  (dice)
Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 ([personal profile] azurelunatic) wrote2017-08-28 03:37 pm

The 'No' Game

So I was socialized to stress the idea that if I could do something to help out a friend, I should. This of course results in me sometimes feeling I should bend over backwards when it would actually inconvenience me, or share personal information that I think might be used to harm me.

My partner was traumatized at the hands of their ex, in that saying "no" to the ex's requests was often (but unpredictably) met with punishment.

We wound up improvising "The 'No' Game" in chat last September, when we were talking about selfies. They weren't used to taking selfies, so it rarely occured to them to take some. I asked if I should ask more often. "Yes," they said. "Although I may also want to practice my no." Saying "no" to me was unexpectedly hard for them.

"Hmm, would it help if I asked for something that I didn't actually want, that I know of?" I asked.

So we tried it.

Me: "Would you please drive-by paintball a rival workplace for me?"
Them: "Gods no."
Me: "Would you please plant a whoopee cushion on the chair of a colleague at your next meeting?"
Them: "No."

We worked out some unofficial rules.

The 'No' Game


2 players:
* Asker
* Responder
One six-sided die (optional)
One timer (optional, to determine game end by time)
Scorekeeping paper (also optional, to determine game end by points)

Choose who goes first, by dice roll or other agreed-upon method.
Choose an end condition. Recommended: 10-20 minutes or less of game time, or one player reaching 20 points.


low-stakes practice in saying "No", increased knowledge of game partner's limits, creativity in coming up with requests, and potential hilarity.


Asker: Make a request of the Responder, one which you believe the Responder will honestly answer "No" to.
Responder: Respond honestly. (Do not actually carry out the request at this time.)

If the Responder's answer is "No", or (optionally) the Responder rolls 1-5 after answering "No", the Asker gets another question.

If the Responder's answer is "Yes", or (optionally) the Responder rolls 6 after answering "No", the Asker and Responder switch roles.


If the Responder answers "No", they receive a point.
If the Responder answers "Yes", the Asker receives a point.
If the Responder's answer is a conditional "No", or a "Yes but only if--" type answer, they still receive the point.


When the agreed-upon end condition of the game is reached (or one player is weary of the game, whichever happens first), the game ends.
silveradept: A kodama with a trombone. The trombone is playing music, even though it is held in a rest position (Default)

[personal profile] silveradept 2017-08-29 02:34 am (UTC)(link)
This game is played, essentially without the dice, at official Cuddle Party functions, as a way of getting used to the ability to say no and receive one.
syntaxofthings: Death Fae from the Fey Tarot (Default)

[personal profile] syntaxofthings 2017-08-29 03:25 am (UTC)(link)
Ooh, I like this game! Thanks for sharing.
wild_irises: (Default)

[personal profile] wild_irises 2017-08-29 04:35 am (UTC)(link)
Me too! I don't think I need it, but partner sometimes does, and I know plenty of people who do.
pauamma: Cartooney crab holding drink (Default)

[personal profile] pauamma 2017-08-29 07:28 am (UTC)(link)
Sounds like a fun game, and that some careful thought went into the rules.
jack: (Default)

[personal profile] jack 2017-08-29 09:08 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, that's interesting. It sounds really useful for quite a lot of people.

I seem to have a weird state where I'm *usually* just fine telling people no, I don't feel like I'm obliged to automatically accede. Except in some circumstances I do and I haven't quite figured out when those are. One example is, when someone feels I've promised to do something, I feel really guilty if I can't fulfil, even if I know that's something I didn't want to commit to and didn't intend to promise and don't know where the miscommunication happened.
jeshyr: Blessed are the broken. Harry Potter. (Default)

[personal profile] jeshyr 2017-08-29 09:46 am (UTC)(link)
This is a totally cool game!!

I too have a person who has been socialised that "no" is dangerous/not a valid answer/incredibly rude and we have done a similar thing is a much less formalised way by practicing "no"s on very very low stakes stuff with only safer people around, but I love the idea of gaming it.
vass: A sepia-toned line-drawing of a man in naval uniform dancing a hornpipe, his crotch prominent (Default)

[personal profile] vass 2017-08-29 12:21 pm (UTC)(link)
This is a good game. I suspect it'd work well on public transport, or in other waiting scenarios where neither party is driving.
ankaret: (RPG World)

[personal profile] ankaret 2017-08-30 09:59 pm (UTC)(link)
This is an excellent game. I have been working on saying no with the help of Therapist which has had the unexpected side effect that I sometimes find myself involuntarily yelling 'NO NO NO' at stressors now rather than bursting into tears. It happened recently at Birmingham New Street station when a bloke was trying to push in front of me onto a train. Apparently I've made contact with my inner toddler.
kyleri: (Default)

[personal profile] kyleri 2017-09-06 02:22 am (UTC)(link)
Chances that I'd drive-by paintball a rival workplace for someone I really like: sort of distressingly high, actually. >.>