Stupidest sex-related malady YET

[azurelunatic]

Okay, so. Belovedest and I are in a relationship, and the terms of ours includes sex. I am also surgically postmenopausal. After discussion with my GYN, I am supposed to shove lady cream twice a week, plus swipe it onto any problem areas regularly. If I miss a day, I should double up so I at least get the whole dose in the week. And the best time for me to shove the lady cream is after sex, to promote repair of anything that got overstretched.

I had missed a dose recently, because the ADHD makes it hard. I was also nearly at the end of the tube. I squished the rest of it into the applicator.

I have also acquired enough leg stamina that I can put in actual clockable time on the foot fidgeter, which is cool. I observed last night that I had done two days in a row with more than an hour, so I might be sore.

I woke up this morning with a rectangle of agony in my pelvis, from the top of my hip bone down to the joint, and in between. Grumbling, I took the muscle relaxer and the antispasmodic for my innards, because I couldn't even discern what was hurting. I tried to find a comfortable position. There was not one.

Six hours of Fucking Ow ensued. I couldn't focus on anything for long. Eventually I ate, with the additional barrier that I had trouble identifying food. I grabbed an ice cream bar from the freezer but by the time I sat down with it and opened the package, it had become not-food. Belovedest decided that they didn't want to leave me (and I was going nowhere and didn't have the brain to game), and started playing games remotely.

Another few hours of woe. For the sake of entertainment and ruling things out, I searched up the symptoms of appendicitis. The pain was in the wrong place: too low, and not enough of the other symptoms for me to worry. "If I still had a uterus, I'd almost think this was cramps," I said to myself, and immediately facepalmed.

I had taken lady cream. More than usual. I looked up that and stomped out to the living room to grab some ibuprofen.

In about ten minutes the pain had receded enough that I fell asleep.

Comments

[alexseanchai]

🧸

[vass]

That does indeed sound like Fucking Ow.

[azurelunatic]

I thought I was through with this! I thought there was no way that menstrual shit could fuck up my life now!!!! I thought so very wrong!!!!!!!!

[silveradept]

What seems a simple solution in retrospect needs to have enough brain not taken up by Ow to think of it. Wouldn't have thought that the lady cream could induce menstrual symptoms, though.

[azurelunatic]

I would have thought that too. AND NOW I KNOW.

[andrewducker]

Ow indeed! Glad you worked it out, and the painkillers worked.

[azurelunatic]

It wasn't just painkillers, it was very specific painkillers. I took a thing with acetaminophen and it did approximately merry fuckin' nothing. Aspirin was not a big help when I had cramps with a real uterus, and I tend to avoid acetaminophen to preserve my liver so I don't really have much data on how that behaves for me.

[azurelunatic]

When I told the story to my GP, she also found it appropriately hilarious.

[norabombay]

Ugggggh.

A fun story to tell at parties? Ugh.

[norabombay]

So Azz told me this story, and I laughed. Mostly about the way estrogen cream was prescribed for "post workout".

And all I could picture for the next day was and entire line of "post workout" vaginal products. Creams, supplements. Special varieties of liquid iv and electrolyte drinks. Adorable little spandex post workout outfits. Giant post work out sweatshirts. All to ensure that a vag is the best athlete it can be!

This kind of stuff would have celebrity endorsement. Kpop bands shilling genital workout wear...

And so on

[silveradept]

So, what you're saying is, there's a market for vaginal steams, cleanses, and equipment that would be shilled by celebrities and have dubious actual results?

[norabombay]

Yep. But with bonus publicity and widespread adoption. And cartoon mascot TV ads.

[silveradept]

I mean, we have John Dillermand, so presumably there would be some equivalent in this currently unoptimized market. I can see the potential of your favorite J- or K-Pop idol group all talking about the same equipment they use, or the potential drama if all of the girls use different things and there has to be some attempt at uniformity.

I feel like this is the kind of thing that AO3 would be really good at making fic for.

[azurelunatic]

I'm seeing some horrifying claymation in my head.