Thought upon waking up and looking at journal:

[azurelunatic]

"Good gods, am I insane?"

Why, yes. I measure out my sanity to Darkside relative to myself, not relative to any particular objective standard. Usually I have a well-ruled mind; these past few weeks have been tough on me.

Comments

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

You need to read this entry in who_took's journal.

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Oh, and NO, you're not insane.

[azurelunatic]

Relative to myself, I have been lately. Recognizing personality reshuffling's been a big help. I only think of myself as insane when I get reactions that I can't explain, and recognizing stuff like that, being able to explain myself to myself, makes my mind feel comfortable with itself. When I don't understand what's happening to me, I consider myself insane; when I do at least have an idea of what to expect (including the unexpected), I'm quite all right, even if bonkers by US standards. Functional, I suppose is the word.

Re:

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Insane is completely separate from confused, dear. I'm not comfortable with people using terms that are generally considered derogatory about themselves, especially when wholly inaccurate. You, of all people, should understand the need to be accurate when labelling one's self.

Main Entry: in.san.i.ty
1 a : a deranged state of the mind usually occurring as a specific disorder (as schizophrenia) and usually excluding such states as mental retardation, psychoneurosis, and various character disorders b : a mental disorder
2 : such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility

Main Entry: sane
1 : proceeding from a sound mind : RATIONAL
2 : mentally sound; especially : able to anticipate and appraise the effect of one's actions

Main Entry: 1ra.tio.nal
1 a : having reason or understanding b : relating to, based on, or agreeable to reason : REASONABLE

You are not deranged, you do have a sound mind, you are able to anticipate and appraise the effect of your actions, and you have reason and understanding. YOU ARE NOT INSANE.

Being abnormal is not the same as being insane. Insanity is not being able to trust your senses, because you are not connecting with reality. *You*, my dear, are fully connected with reality. Being confused about one's self is understandable, acceptable, and even desired from time to time, in order to analyse and grow. It is not an indication of insanity.

But then, I dislike it GREATLY when you occasionally

[iroshi.livejournal.com]

Got almost all of it...

But then, I dislike it GREATLY when you occasionally refer to your MPD as insanity. It is not lack of sanity, it is simply an unusual mental mechanism. It's different, not wrong.

Yes, I'm fervent on the topic. You need to trust in your sanity...lack of trust in your own mind = Baaaaad things for Az.

[azurelunatic]

What I've been trying to say is that in the last few weeks, I've not felt that I've had a sound mind at all. I've been confused, muddled, and clouded. I've felt insane. In the state where I'm sleep-deprived, I am not operating on all thrusters.

I know the difference between my sane and my insane. In the past few days, I have not been sane. Yesterday sometime marked a return to sanity.

[azurelunatic]

I only remember myself referring to the MPD as insanity when some sort of great irrational cloud of confusion's been caused. When I'm in normal rational operating mode, I still appear odd to the world in general. When I'm not in a rational operating mode, I may appear just fine to the world in general. I don't feel fine.

When slightly confused about something, I try to hide it by not discussing it. When greatly confused and in pain, I yowl to the corners of the universe. Sometimes I don't realize that I'm slipping from a lesser degree of confusion to a greater one.

[azurelunatic]

I suppose I'd be a lot clearer on the topic of the correlation between my MPD and sanity if I'd been multiple when this journal started. MPD is a mechanism of mine for mainaining sanity.

When the multiples don't actually exist, trying to maintain them is a cause of insanity. When multiples exist, trying to keep the mind not subdivided is a cause of insanity. Insanity, in me, is the not-recognizing of things that exist, or the continuing to see things that don't exist.

Multiple personalities themselves are just a convenient filing method for personality traits. A management strategy.

[azurelunatic]

I suppose I should rephrase some bits of the original post.

Darkside regularly asks me, "Are you insane?", and I answer honestly. When answering, I compare my current mental state to my usual and ideal mental states. If all is OK, I am sane and just fine. If all is not OK, I am occasionally insane. My sanity is relative only to myself.