Dream log, and poly weirdness.

[azurelunatic]

Dream involved a comedy of errors in an attempt to sleep with Shawn.

If I were being perfectly frank with myself, I'd be either somewhat scared, garnetdagger considers a "danger" (her wording) of me falling for him again.

When Dagger says "danger", she means it. If Darkside and I are somewhat of a social mismatch ... well, if a random reader thinks we aren't, there's nothing I can say that would be able to convince them that we're not, but ... I have problems with self esteem and social situations. It's difficult for me to trust that someone actually cares about me sometimes. But when I'm in my right mind, I have no doubts that Darkside does care. For someone who doesn't express emotion well, he's done a good job at somehow reassuring me that I'm cared about. (the swap between my right mind and my wrong mind is vast, and anyone catching me in my wrong mind should send me to bed.)

But. Shawn is distinct danger to me, because (BDSM terminology) he's not a good Master. He does not provide the care that a submissive needs, doesn't do the "I am master, I'm in charge, which means I'm responsible" wellness checks. There is history. There is bad history. Dagger has forbidden that I take up with Shawn again, which means that as much as Shawn and I would get on like a house afire in bed now (memory says that our kinks are eminently compatible now that I've grown more into mine) ... no. Absolutely not.

Thank you, Darkside, for being a wonderful man and respectful of me...


My teenage fumblings of sex with Shawn were just as much of a comedy of errors as the dream was, which I find refreshing and amusing. Oy. Oy vey. My sex dreams tend to be extremely realistic, and feature the correct personality of my partner(s) as I know it. And. Yeah. Not happening. What garnetdagger says, goes.

Comments

[ataniell93.livejournal.com]

Trust me when I say the absolute worst thing in the world for you is someone who hits all your bulletproof kinks and is not able to take care of you when they have you there. This is what Hiroshi was to me.

And this is why I do not blame Priscilla for wanting to run like hell even though I think they'd make a lovely V.

[azurelunatic]

This is what he is. This is what he does to me.

It would be so easy to say "He did not even take care of me when he wasn't hitting my kinks," but the details of the matter are obscured by time, and best so. In the defence of both of us, we were fifteen through nineteen when all this was happening, and a remarkably naive and idealistic girl whose idea of romance came from Heinlein and Lackey is not a good match at all for a young man who's already a jaded swinger as well as an attention whore and a Tien.