The Ballad of Purple's Cell Signal

[azurelunatic]

Purple has a flip-phone that's about ... 5? 6? years old now. It charges off MiniUSB (not MicroUSB). Every now and then someone calls him "Captain Kirk" for using it. This tends to result in some parking lot improv.

Every now and then someone suggests to Purple that because he is a software engineer in the tech industry, perhaps he should be getting with a smartphone. Purple has a standard rant prepared for this occasion. The gist of it is:

Purple has a home phone. Purple has a work phone. When you find a smartphone plan that costs $100 a year, come tell him about it. Meanwhile, Purple is over here with his prepaid flip phone, which works perfectly well at getting him calls and texts while he is out and about; while he is out and about he is also not likely to need to be emailed, because he's generally driving or at dinner or in some other situation where really, you should not need email. (Also, in recent years he has added an iPad to his set of gear, and you often don't need a second portable computing machine at that point.)

Now, that's been the situation for nearly as long as I've known Purple. It's something that I've come to accept and even like about him.

Over the past months and weeks, Purple has noticed that his signal has become patchy. His noble little cellphone (which often does fun tricks like leaving the screen light on, which chews through battery, or failing to charge for some reason, or occasionally even pocket-dialing) has been getting signal in fewer places. First he noticed he wasn't getting it reliably inside his office anymore. (That chewed up battery.) Then there were other spots of spotty service. At some point, his prepaid cell outfit gently pointed out that his little old phone was 2G only, and the 2G network around these parts is going away. Soon. Now. And maybe you should get a new phone, bro.

I would describe myself as a procrastinator.
I would describe Purple as the kind of procrastinator who will cheerfully spend 15 minutes every week and a half to twice a week (depending on temperature) using a cigarette lighter plug portable air compressor to refill his slow-leaking tire, for over a year, rather than making the appointment to get the tire fixed or replaced. (I cannot throw too many stones. He knows where a lot of my stuff is hidden, too.)

Purple has allowed as how he will probably need to get himself a new prepaid flip phone that uses a slightly more modern cell network, and maybe takes a charger that more people are likely to have on them. He allows as how he may continue to put this off.

Last Friday at the ex-co-worker-crowd dinner, Purple invited his old friend GG (and her husband) as well as Ms. Antisocialest Butterfly and me. I texted Purple to let him know that I was running about 10 minutes late. I arrived to find that he hadn't got my text, as he'd no signal in the restaurant. Ms. Antisocialest Butterfly arrived somewhat after me. She'd become delayed in some event-related fuckery on 101. She'd tried to call Purple!

GG proceeded to give Purple a hard time about his Luddite refusal to have a smartphone, pointing out that Purple is a well-paid engineer who can afford a fucking smartphone and a data plan. GG does this sort of thing, it turns out -- gives Purple a hard time about things. And Purple continues to be his cheerfully procrastinatory and stubborn self.

I learned long ago that when Purple took a hard stance about something, that I was wasting everyone's time if I kept arguing about it, and the way to get around it was to accept his viewpoint and let him get around to it in his own time. Possibly by setting a good example by way of my own anti-procrastination efforts. Occasionally by saying "Eh, maybe you should get on that thing?" but not when he'd just been ranting about it.

Tonight I was halfway to dinner when I realized that I hadn't let Purple know that after we'd agreed on a time and place, I'd poked our mutual friend phone (whose favorite lunch spot it was) to let him know that we were convening for dinner and he'd be welcome. I thought about texting (hands-free, wheeee!) but realized: Purple wouldn't get that text. Anyway, I wasn't sure whether phone would be able to make it. So, we might as well see if he showed up...

I eventually remembered to text phone to let him know where we were sitting. He and his boyfriend showed up quite promptly thereafter, and we took a bit bigger table, and had a lovely time.

I may inquire gently with Purple, tomorrow, when he thinks he's going to actually get that new flip phone. 💜💜💜☎️🙄😘

Comments

[wibbble]

He could always get himself a phone that does both: https://www.amazon.com/Lenovo-MTK6582M-Google-Android-Screen/dp/B00SCM9GV2

[azurelunatic]

He could!

[casimirian]

My partner had used the same cell phone for 10+. It's possible. :)

[azurelunatic]

It is indeed possible! But he's starting to miss the ability to call people while out and about.

[casimirian]

((Perhaps time to replace it.)) ;) ;)

[batrachian]

i agree with Purple's rant and stance, in all particulars.

(the only reason i have a smartphone is because i wanted to keep my personal chatstuff off the work computer. and despite verizon being a tremendous bag of cocks, i have not yet actually managed to either change phones or providers. because that is work.)

or, to quote someone elsenet: "Yes, it doesn't work, but in a very familiar way!"

[azurelunatic]

I feel that keeping personal chatstuff and work computer well-separated is an excellent life choice.

[silveradept]

That sounds like a person determined to get every scrap of value possible from the things they have. I can certainly applaud Purple's determination.

[azurelunatic]

I think it's a cheerful unwillingness to switch away from something that's Working Quite Well, Thanks, mostly, rather than sheer frugality. But frugality's also an excellent point which I can't argue with.

Purple brings the classy.

[azurelunatic]

It turns out that one of the other factors influencing Purple against a smartphone is size. Now, Purple habitually wears jeans and a t-shirt, with a flannel or similar shirt thrown over that when the weather is cooler.

Purple: >technical details snipped< 
Purple: that would cause me to opt for a smaller less annoying phone
Purple: i.e. fit in a pocket
Azz: Aye. 
Purple: I don't have handy large storage like some I know
Azz: smartphones are not very pocket friendly. 
Purple: :> 
Azz: Are you saying that my tits are big? :-P 
Azz: :>

Re: Purple brings the classy.

[silveradept]

Classy person, indeed. Although I have seen plenty of people pull smartphones, wallets, and otherwise from their pockets, regardless of the size of the support being given.

Re: Purple brings the classy.

[azurelunatic]

Fun fact: the pockets installed so handily in my clothing that Purple refers to are in fact pockets from old pairs of shorts. So, regardless of placement, they are the size of a fairly standard pocket from a pair of men's shorts.

(Purple is at the head of his class.)

Re: Purple brings the classy.

[wohali]

HAH! I concur, I find it really hard to pocket this Samsung I recently inherited...it's always falling out of my clothing and barely fits in my purse. I admire everything about his decisions to date, but agree that if 2G is being switched off...time to at least upgrade to a non-smartphone modern phone.

There's gotta be compatible 3G non-smartphone devices at least, I bet he could get a $5 one from eBay if he looked.

Re: Purple brings the classy.

[azurelunatic]

eBay! That's a thought. I seem to recall that he's a pretty decent eBayer.

[alexseanchai]

I had the same stance as Purple, and now I have a Tracfone smartphone that I am about (in the next two weeks or so) to load another year's worth of service onto. (400 min, 400 texts, 400 MB data, for $100 altogether; I will be interested to discover if my triple-those-figures promotion that came with my first Tracfone phone has survived the transition to this second phone.)

This may not be the right solution for Purple, obviously! But it does answer his stated objection to smartphones.

[azurelunatic]

That may in fact be his current provider.

[alexseanchai]

Oh, huh. Okay then.

[azurelunatic]

I also think it's possible that he has not even researched the smartphone options available there. :D :D :D

[alexseanchai]

Don't forget it's possible to bring a different phone to Tracfone service!

Only not the BLU Advance 5.0. It will work, that's what I have now, but it's apparently designed for a less memory hog Android. Rant to follow if desired.

[azurelunatic]

How do you find the data allowance working out for you?

[alexseanchai]

I started the year with 1200mb in mid-Sept and have 500-odd mb still. I think I used most of that difference during two weekends because there is no WiFi in the theater green room. (I did chat with whoever else was offstage at whatever point. But you know.)

[azurelunatic]

#introvertlife

[alexseanchai]

Precisely

[azurelunatic]

(And, he has not yet researched the current options. Tracfone's website is ... Tracfone's website.)

[alexseanchai]

yuuup

[mathemagicalschema]

Would Purple have any possible interest in a 1st-gen Moto G locked to Republic Wireless? It can get unlimited calls+texts for $10/mo. I'm looking to get rid of my old phone; if he's interested I'd send it his way for cheap.

[azurelunatic]

He's most likely to stick with the vaguely terrible provider he knows, I think...

[sithjawa]

I have heard there are new-gen dumbphones for people who miss the dumbphone days. Being a diehard iPhone user, I have not enquired further of the universe.

[azurelunatic]

I honestly have no preference as to what *kind* of phone Purple winds up with. I just kind of want him to have a phone that *works*.

[andrewducker]

Yes. Important detail is that you can get messages to him.

Hopefully he'll eventually realise this is important to him too.

[azurelunatic]

The current blocker appears to be the absolutely terrible user experience of the website of the phone provider in question. I wish him fortitude.

[wibbble]

If their website is truly terrible, you might pass on this one: http://willmyphonework.net

That plus any place you can pick up cheap/odd handsets (https://dx.com, https://www.aliexpress.com, are both good for some weird shit) should give him any number of options, including tiny ones that sit in your ear and phones the size of a small stack of credit cards.

Or just small 'feature phones' and Android handsets with 3.5/4" screens, which are definitely pocketable.

[jesse_the_k]

I sit with purple n change-resisting.

Two days ago I received the 3G replacement for my dying 2G phone. It's half-step up from smartphone (pretends to be an icon-driven, but actually isn't.)

Happy to provide live commentary & opinions if desired.

[azurelunatic]

I suspect that Purple will devote a very unhappy evening sometime soonish to poking through the phone provider's terrible website to figure out what the options are. He will probably have Opinions. He doesn't appear to be opposed to the concept of smartphones, he just doesn't see the use case given his current pocket situation. :D

[wohali]

Perhaps we need to start him on estrogen treatments? :D

[siderea]

I am right there with him. Not just as a dedicated flip-phone user[*], but also as a prepaid phone user who was just pushed to upgrade because of the G2 system retirement by my cell company which has a tremendously awful web interface.

I found there were no flip phones available through them. No physical keypad phones, either.

I got shipped an allegedly smart phone running Android, but I haven't activated it yet. Wee.

[* Was just reading about a nasty set of three zero-day exploits on the iPhone, and in the comments, someone rebuked another commenter for saying they were giving up on the iPhone, pointing out that the only real alternative was the even more security-problematic Android phones. "Unless you're using something like a Motorola RAZR." Which.

[azurelunatic]

I have been showing my Jorno knockoff bluetooth keyboard to my various keyboard-loving friends (mostly tech dudes). It lives in the pocket of my Jacket of Holding, and I don't use it enough that it needs frequent charging. Purple now has one that lives at work for his iPad, but it's Yet Another Piece of Gear.

I'd offer Purple my dealing-with-terrible-websites research services, but I suspect his phone preferences are going to be sufficiently different than mine that I may not be able to anticipate his needs accurately.

[siderea]

You use that for texting?

[azurelunatic]

Rarely. Only when I'm doing something fairly lengthy. But that's mostly because I have it paired by default to the iPad, and the combination of predictive text, my current level of fine motor control, and swype are doing fine on the Android. But the keyboard is pretty easy to deploy when pre-paired.

The iPad keyboard is a little too big to operate with one finger.

I've lately been experimenting with voice recognition texting, though that would probably burn data. Mostly I'm doing it via my watch, which puts it a little more under my control than saying magic words to my phone or trying to hit an onscreen button without seeing what it is. The watch has hardware buttons which I've asked to have summon the texting app (long press on the up button from home screen, and then I know the in-app patterns to get to voice text).

#gadgetfreakproblems

[siderea]

Ah, this is a bit of a non-sequitur wrt phones with hardware keypads.

[kk1raven]

A 3G dumb phone shouldn't be hard to get. I'm with Purple in seeing no need for a smartphone. I have plenty of other computing devices with bigger screens that are more pleasant for me to use. I want my phone to make and receive phone calls. That's it. If he uses a provider whose phones are compatible with AT&T's phones, both Best Buy and Walmart stock appropriate phones that are inexpensive. The new ZTE phone that I bought several months ago after finding that my old phone no longer worked at my sister's house cost all of $7.50.

[azurelunatic]

I think the hardest part is going to be finding the time. I may poke him to hang out this weekend.

[kk1raven]

Making time to do that kind of thing is often the biggest obstacle. I know it took me a couple of months to get around to figuring out what phone to get and where to buy it. There were too many things that seemed more important. My old phone still worked fine around where I live though, so the incentive to do something wasn't as big as it could have been.