azurelunatic | Things Azz is not allowed to do as a virtual minion, part 5

Part 4

Don't put anything confidential on any of the internal properties that we've recently acquired that are STILL HOSTED WITH OUR COMPETITOR.

Probably not a good plan to attempt to explain "Sam's Binder" in any detail.

Ought not to send wiki pages as a reply-all to nearly the whole company (well, to an email list containing most of the company) for the sole purpose of shaming some of the guilty parties into updating it. (In my defense, it *worked*.)

Should not attempt to convince the interns I am telepathic.

Should not startle the interns with demonstrations of telepathy, even if not attempting to convince them of anything. (Really, though, her body language was totally clear, the conference tables are wide enough that it's not easy to reach something way over on the other side, she'd been talking about the gluten status of the cakes not five minutes before, the fruit was the only gf option, and she was helpfully labeled. Asking the person on the other side of the table to pass her the fruit, by name, was the obvious thing to do.)

Denying telepathy to the interns, and then turning around and claiming telepathy to the manager, is a pathetic dodge and I should be ashamed of myself.

The point about the lowest actual usable portion of the rolling whiteboard partitions was obvious once pointed out. Sticking a whiteboard marker between foot and sandal, and attempting to actually use the space, is gratuitous and frankly not entirely hygienic from the marker's point of view (let alone the other people who get to test out the beta setup). Plus my footwriting isn't very good anymore.

Not allowed to act on any stupid workplace crushes.

Easter candy does have a shelf life which should not be exceeded. Anything beyond a year is pushing it.

"Maybe you're tired because it's a time of day!" would be a more helpful suggestion if the actual time, instead of a placeholder, were used.

Not allowed to create test appointments on someone else's calendar to go off at fuck o'clock at night and wake them up.

The phrase "BECAUSE [THEY ARE] A NITWIT AND A TROUBLEMAKER" bodes ill in any variety of job interview.

Not allowed to say "online webinar", ever.

Okay, not allowed to say it unless Spider-Man starts holding offline webinars in a context relevant to our business.

Lurking in someone's cube with your smartphone like Anthea is only fun for the first ten minutes.

Encouraged to memorize co-workers' faces, lest the surprise new co-worker incident re-occur.

Ariane Emory is often a poor role model for professional conduct.

Not allowed to set Catering on fire with the power of my mind.

Not allowed to set any other department on fire with the power of my mind.

Allowed to attempt to do this, but must stop before I suffer any injury as a result, or if any of my co-workers become alarmed.

Not allowed to microwave the telephone.

Not allowed to set ringtone to the theme from "Flood".

"Bug report: running too fast" is not the most effective title for a ticket requesting an exterminator visit.

Yes, it is possible to do any number of other things while dialed in to the conference on mute. I should nonetheless exercise restraint.

Yes, it is possible to handle any number of work functions from my cellphone while still in bed. No, it is not necessary to share this fact with customers.

Even when the customer remarks on the earliness of the hour in my time zone.

Not allowed to read jwz's essay on message threading while in any meeting.

Not allowed to email any customer from my real gmail account.

Not allowed to include any prescription or otherwise non-over-the-counter substances in my meeting bag for sharing, even if several of the managers could use sedatives.

Just because that other manager might need ADHD drugs is no reason to include strong stimulants, either.

Ought not to taunt the interns by flaunting the ten color highlighter pack at them.

Allowed to surprise the interns by ordering them highlighters and markers.

Not allowed to tamper with any manager's slide deck.

Not allowed to debate the difference between "mature humor" and "immature humor" with the helpdesk.

Part 6

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hilarious!

Thank you.

You make me wish I could have interned with you. :) Which is amazing, because I hate interning.

My department does its best to be welcoming and helpful.

Ariane Emory is a PERFECTLY GOOD ROLE MODEL.

I don't get to run tape on any insufficiently cooperative co-workers.

There's a difference?

Most fart jokes are't particularly mature.

There is that.

#137. ah, zscaler. Blocking access to the resources that would've prevented an inappropriate use of slang in an all-hands meeting speech.

*facedeck*

LOL why not allowed to set your ring tone to the theme from Flood?

*Steals a neon-green highlighter because those are my favorite!*

Also, you can keel them with your brain*

Due to some possibly-ill-advised road trip experiences, my Overlady will get earwormed with the entire album if she hears any part of it.

This, while hilarious, should not be abused.

I just lost The Game.

I think I would find "Maybe you're tired because it's a time of day!" a very helpful suggestion! A tired

enemyofperfect is sometimes a cranky and intractable

enemyofperfect, but humor can be disarming.

My Overlady's response was approximately "...Azz, it's always a time of day."

Azz: *can't stop giggling*

Overlady: "... yeah, maybe we all need to go home and have a nap."

Manager: "Great plan. Let's."

*grin*

Your workplace is far more amusing than mine, certainly. I hope there will be stories at some point...

Sometimes there are! Though some of the good ones don't rulify well, and some of the good rules are disappointing stories.

*fiddles with settings*

And some of the stories are downright scary and stress-Inducing just to read. Your workplace produces interesting rules, but...wow.

I'm thriving there! Clearly it is the kind of stress that I can take, at least in limited amounts.

I am very happy that you are thriving there. And that you have an excellent Overlady and managers to support you.

Things Azz is not allowed to do as a virtual minion, part 5

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