Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azurelunatic) wrote2017-02-14 12:45 am
azurelunatic) wrote2017-02-14 12:45 am
Entry tags:
Sleep class!
So because not only do I have insomnia, I also suffer from it, the most-recent in the chain of moderately alarmed sleep-adjacent professionals (the neurologist at Deer Creek) referred me to the Improve Your Sleep! class, which has been eating my Monday evenings over the last month.
The main feature of this class, in the eyes of the neurologist and my counselor, has been the CBT aspect of it. Apparently the number one thing that cures insomnia is CBT. So everyone was hopeful. (I had specified to the neurologist that I would in fact be running anything suggested in the CBT past my Supervisor and my therapist. Which was a good call to have made.)
It turns out that when Guide Dog Aunt loaned me a book on sleep a few years ago, the one that pointed out that there was not in fact any moral value to any specific sleep schedule, and that instead of saying stuff like "I'm lazy because I sleep until noon", one should look at it in terms of "My most productive hours are in the evening, and I schedule my life in a way that suits my sleep schedule" -- that general tool of re-framing the guilt and fear around sleep is in fact the very CBT that this class relies on. So, unfortunately, the CBT that I had hoped would be new information was not, in fact, new information at all. The book specifically addressed Negative Sleep Thoughts. The class then expanded the concepts of re-framing runaway negative thought chains in a better light, which is also a Fishmum trick that I've been teaching my little fishies and my partner...
The other main leg of this class is meditation and the relaxation response. I believe that I can trace my habit of meditative breathing in particular to the summer when I read ... some Heinlein book or other ... and thought that taking up meditation would be a grand idea. The latest that could have been was 1996. Then I formally took up meditation (and learned all of the techniques discussed in the meditation unit of this class) in 2001-ish, when I went to DeVry toget a degree in Holistic Massage join a coven. So depending how you slice it, I've been familiar with, and practicing, meditation for anywhere from fifteen to twenty years.
The main new information I got out of the class, in fact, was that sleep-maintenance insomnia was recently discovered to be associated with a sleep-time body temperature that has not dropped as it ought to for that part of the night. And I do, in fact, routinely overheat while attempting to sleep. Which means that if I'm in bed and even slightly think that I might not get to sleep soonish, I should immediately go and get the ice pack, and not try to be a hero.
Also, low doses of sedating antidepressants are also used as sleep medications. The instructor was down on this practice, because antidepressants are only good for people with depression. FUNNY THING, THAT.
Pretty much all the rest of the class was review, and (due to my internets research) I was often in possession of more detailed information than the instructor. I came to feel that I could probably have taught the class myself, given the curriculum.
The first class was pleasant enough. I think there were about ten of us. One woman came in late, and borrowed a pen from me. We had a pleasant chat while she was waiting for her husband to pick her up. She's sleep-deprived to the point that she can't safely drive, and caretaking for her autistic son has done a number on her sleep schedule and ability to stay asleep.
I reviewed the materials in the packets for the four weeks. The second week, the cognitive re-framing, was going to be hard, since the materials blithely suggested that "most people" could get away with abbreviated amounts of sleep with nothing more terrible than a loss of creativity and a bad mood. Pro tip: when your patient reports suicidal ideation and impulses tied to as little as one night of abbreviated sleep while under stressful circumstances (and the current Republican administration is nothing if not stressful circumstances) telling the patient that everything is probably going to be okay if they blow sunshine up their own ass is life-threateningly bad advice. So I realized that I had better sit next to the door in case I had to step out of the room.
During the second class, the instructor was trying to impress upon us the way that a poorly timed nap can fuck up your sleep schedule pretty badly. My friend said that this was going to be a problem for her: you put her in the car (as a passenger) and she passes out pretty much instantly.
"It should be easy to stay awake in the car!" said the instructor.
"It's hard."
"Well, life is hard."
At this juncture, I decided that the most constructive action I could take was going to be going and sitting in the hall for a bit (and angrily texting my partner). I came back in after about five minutes.
Later in the evening, the instructor planned to lead us through more meditation/relaxation, to include the rest of the class period. I abruptly realized that I did not actually feel that making myself vulnerable to and in front of this instructor was a good idea, and grabbed my stuff and left the building.
In the third class, I sat by the door. (My friend did not show up for this class, or the following week.) When the meditation/relaxation section arrived, I popped both headphones in and proceeded to listen to podcasts, and only emerged when that bit was done. At the end of class, I asked the instructor about the bits in the next one, saying without explanation that I would not be taking part in the relaxation exercise, and would likely leave the room. He said when the long one would be, and there would be another short one later.
In the fourth class (tonight), I sat by the door, and took a chair with me when I popped out for the duration of the exercise. The instructor came and fetched me when it was done. And I did other things for the short one.
I did ask, this time, what he recommended to keep you awake when the sleep pressure is high but it's a bad time for a nap. And if there were resources on being a millennial and not having a whole house to work with in terms of keeping stress out of your bedroom. (Do something loud. And, probably, somewhere.) I asked about next steps. He recommended the meditation class, or the anxiety class. "That really doesn't seem to be a recommendation geared for someone who has been practicing meditation for fifteen years," I said, smiling aggressively.
He recommended tai chi.
"That's really rather along the same lines," I said, still smiling.
There was a class evaluation form, which asked about how much we learned from the class, and how helpful it was. It was ... not.
So I'll be asking my GP, my counselor, and my psychiatrist about next steps, then. Now that I've taken this miserable class so they'll take me seriously.
The main feature of this class, in the eyes of the neurologist and my counselor, has been the CBT aspect of it. Apparently the number one thing that cures insomnia is CBT. So everyone was hopeful. (I had specified to the neurologist that I would in fact be running anything suggested in the CBT past my Supervisor and my therapist. Which was a good call to have made.)
It turns out that when Guide Dog Aunt loaned me a book on sleep a few years ago, the one that pointed out that there was not in fact any moral value to any specific sleep schedule, and that instead of saying stuff like "I'm lazy because I sleep until noon", one should look at it in terms of "My most productive hours are in the evening, and I schedule my life in a way that suits my sleep schedule" -- that general tool of re-framing the guilt and fear around sleep is in fact the very CBT that this class relies on. So, unfortunately, the CBT that I had hoped would be new information was not, in fact, new information at all. The book specifically addressed Negative Sleep Thoughts. The class then expanded the concepts of re-framing runaway negative thought chains in a better light, which is also a Fishmum trick that I've been teaching my little fishies and my partner...
The other main leg of this class is meditation and the relaxation response. I believe that I can trace my habit of meditative breathing in particular to the summer when I read ... some Heinlein book or other ... and thought that taking up meditation would be a grand idea. The latest that could have been was 1996. Then I formally took up meditation (and learned all of the techniques discussed in the meditation unit of this class) in 2001-ish, when I went to DeVry to
The main new information I got out of the class, in fact, was that sleep-maintenance insomnia was recently discovered to be associated with a sleep-time body temperature that has not dropped as it ought to for that part of the night. And I do, in fact, routinely overheat while attempting to sleep. Which means that if I'm in bed and even slightly think that I might not get to sleep soonish, I should immediately go and get the ice pack, and not try to be a hero.
Also, low doses of sedating antidepressants are also used as sleep medications. The instructor was down on this practice, because antidepressants are only good for people with depression. FUNNY THING, THAT.
Pretty much all the rest of the class was review, and (due to my internets research) I was often in possession of more detailed information than the instructor. I came to feel that I could probably have taught the class myself, given the curriculum.
The first class was pleasant enough. I think there were about ten of us. One woman came in late, and borrowed a pen from me. We had a pleasant chat while she was waiting for her husband to pick her up. She's sleep-deprived to the point that she can't safely drive, and caretaking for her autistic son has done a number on her sleep schedule and ability to stay asleep.
I reviewed the materials in the packets for the four weeks. The second week, the cognitive re-framing, was going to be hard, since the materials blithely suggested that "most people" could get away with abbreviated amounts of sleep with nothing more terrible than a loss of creativity and a bad mood. Pro tip: when your patient reports suicidal ideation and impulses tied to as little as one night of abbreviated sleep while under stressful circumstances (and the current Republican administration is nothing if not stressful circumstances) telling the patient that everything is probably going to be okay if they blow sunshine up their own ass is life-threateningly bad advice. So I realized that I had better sit next to the door in case I had to step out of the room.
During the second class, the instructor was trying to impress upon us the way that a poorly timed nap can fuck up your sleep schedule pretty badly. My friend said that this was going to be a problem for her: you put her in the car (as a passenger) and she passes out pretty much instantly.
"It should be easy to stay awake in the car!" said the instructor.
"It's hard."
"Well, life is hard."
At this juncture, I decided that the most constructive action I could take was going to be going and sitting in the hall for a bit (and angrily texting my partner). I came back in after about five minutes.
Later in the evening, the instructor planned to lead us through more meditation/relaxation, to include the rest of the class period. I abruptly realized that I did not actually feel that making myself vulnerable to and in front of this instructor was a good idea, and grabbed my stuff and left the building.
In the third class, I sat by the door. (My friend did not show up for this class, or the following week.) When the meditation/relaxation section arrived, I popped both headphones in and proceeded to listen to podcasts, and only emerged when that bit was done. At the end of class, I asked the instructor about the bits in the next one, saying without explanation that I would not be taking part in the relaxation exercise, and would likely leave the room. He said when the long one would be, and there would be another short one later.
In the fourth class (tonight), I sat by the door, and took a chair with me when I popped out for the duration of the exercise. The instructor came and fetched me when it was done. And I did other things for the short one.
I did ask, this time, what he recommended to keep you awake when the sleep pressure is high but it's a bad time for a nap. And if there were resources on being a millennial and not having a whole house to work with in terms of keeping stress out of your bedroom. (Do something loud. And, probably, somewhere.) I asked about next steps. He recommended the meditation class, or the anxiety class. "That really doesn't seem to be a recommendation geared for someone who has been practicing meditation for fifteen years," I said, smiling aggressively.
He recommended tai chi.
"That's really rather along the same lines," I said, still smiling.
There was a class evaluation form, which asked about how much we learned from the class, and how helpful it was. It was ... not.
So I'll be asking my GP, my counselor, and my psychiatrist about next steps, then. Now that I've taken this miserable class so they'll take me seriously.
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I am so sorry you (and the other people in the class!) had this experience!
Thank you for writing about it,
and please write about other sleep stuff you encounter in future if you feel comfortable doing so,
both myself and my SO have longstanding and significant sleep issues, so more knowledge in this area is always good. ^_^ <3
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I admire you for the sheer cussedness and hard work it takes to put up with that crap. I know it's not f***ing optional because of the requirement to accept crap to get passed along to anything new to try, BUT you still did something pretty impressive. The longest I've put up with 'I could teach this' is a few hours at a time, and it wasn't medical.
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*realizes this story is more personally applicable than I want it to be* Gahhh and I dunwanna deal with the medical things or the sleep things of my own either *hides* oh noooo it even found me at the bottom of my cup of chamomile tea. *makes pillow fort* If I stay here long enough that's LIKE sleeping right?
I hope that your docs give you something actually useful to try next.
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And apparently I have a very well-developed chain of associations leading to bedtime, and I shouldn't interfere with that now that I have that developed. But getting the random cruft out of my brain before bed is also a helpful habit, and I should integrate that better into my new bedtime routine.
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I take a low dose of one of those sedating antidepressants for sleep (since other ADs keep me from sleeping for long enough, and keep me from going to sleep) and it is glorious. I sleep enough. I fall asleep within 20 min unless my brain is really on about something. I am awake in the morning (if I've slept enough). For people with depression, it's (ime) not a bad call.
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ETA: It makes a noticeable difference when I forget to take my meds--I'll be lying in bed going "why am I not asleep yet" and then I remember. So it's not that I'd be getting to sleep the same anyway.
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Amtriptyline is super effective--I hated it the first time around because it creates dry mouth. But having taken both lithium and Wellbutrin, my default hydration is so high that I'm loving the Amtriptyline this time around. 30mg at dinner.
Sleepy at bedtime.
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(The class, I mean.)
The one time I ever took one of those, the instructor at least gave out a quick questionnaire to see who knew anything about what was going to be discussed. I sort of tested right out of that class. But yours! Ugh.
Here's hoping something works out for your sleeping.
(Is it just getting to sleep or is it staying asleep? Mine's trouble getting to sleep and then I can't stay asleep and then I wake up early early when I do manage to stay asleep. It's remarkable how you can want to stab your brain.)
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Then I can't stay asleep, except that then I *do* go back to sleep, and when I wake up then it's noon.
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I took melatonin once upon a time and I thought I was *nuts* when I found I was taking a dose some site thought was clinically insignificant, increased my dose, and it stopped working.
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From an email to my prescribing psychiatrist:
I would not recommend that patients who have researched insomnia on their own and already made lifestyle changes be enrolled in this class, although the paper packets may contain some 5% or less of new information. Patients who have already studied relaxation and mediation may find up to half this class redundant. Patients with a history of trauma may find this class unsafe to participate in. I would not recommend that patients whose response to insufficient sleep includes suicidal ideation or impulses be enrolled in this class, *ever*.
Unfortunately, the CBT principles of reframing negative thoughts around sleep are something I've already been practicing for several years. I hadn't known that was what was meant by CBT.
At our next appointment, I'd like to discuss medication to address my continued inability to remain asleep.
Re: From an email to my prescribing psychiatrist:
From an email to that neurologist:
I've completed this class (it's now 4 weeks, not 5). I wanted to give you feedback to improve your recommendations for other patients. I would not recommend it for the following groups of people:
People who have researched insomnia and are following best practices, who practice meditation, and who have already learned to check their negative thoughts around sleep for accuracy and re-frame the inaccurate ones. This class is just above 101 level, and was a poor use of my time.
Patients whose response to as little as one night of insufficient sleep includes suicidal ideation or impulses: the CBT portion of the class is unsafe for anyone in this situation to try. These patients might try working on personalized CBT with individual therapists, but this class is not suitable for them. I did not participate in this section.
Patients with a history of trauma, if they feel it is unsafe for them to participate in the guided relaxation exercises in a group setting. Didn't do this one either.
Re: From an email to that neurologist:
Guided relaxation means making yourself vulnerable to a source that's at best untrusted, or at worst actively hostile. It means lowering your defenses and voluntarily cooperating with (and thereby letting in) inputs that could be misguided and damaging, or hostile and damaging.
Pre-recorded guided relaxation *might* be safe if it's pre-screened for safety, and is found to not contain anything that would be unsafe in an unguarded moment, but there's the challenge of listening to such things all the way through and *not* being lulled by them.
Someone with relevant trauma might be able to assemble a DIY guided relaxation thingy based on common elements found in relaxation tapes, so they'd know exactly what was in it, and only listen to it while in a safe environment. Because letting your guard down when you're in a hostile environment is of course unsafe.
Re: From an email to that neurologist:
ETA: WOULD YOU MIND IF I MADE ALL MY REPLIES IN THIS DISCUSSION IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE ASK ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL TWATWASH?
Re: From an email to that neurologist:
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This is a prime example of why CBT is so, so bad for anybody with a trauma history. My thoughts aren't the problem, it's my body literally trying to protect me by telling me a situation is unsafe. (Which is why I have insomnia -- I spent my childhood being forced by an abusive parent to go to bed when I wasn't tired, and in fact, not actually experiencing sleepiness partly because of that and partly because my body pretty much shut off any awareness of internal senses because that was too dangerous to have in the situation I was in. Telling myself to think better thoughts won't fix it, it'll just cause more shame because I can't perform.)
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Like, I assume you've been trying to radio-tag your brainweasels... and what is weasel-stomping but feral CBT?
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The idea would be to locate someone with a degree, and go "This is a weasel, Mustela cerebris ssp. androgynae (or whatever); I've radio-tagged it, but I need some help actually *catching* the sucker. What do you think would work?" And depending on how well they proposed handling it (nets? traps? explosives?) they might or might not be allowed the chance to help catch it, and if the catching went well according to their plan, they might maybe be offered the chance to identify other weasels in the future. Because a degree and a Field Guide to the Weasels of North Geekorama does not actually qualify you to identify
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/me hands over a net, a set of tags, and a tranq gun
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The other thing I do with professionals who I semi-trust is bring them uncharacterised possible-weasels and ask for help with identification of said creature. How they do with this task tells me a LOT about their trustworthiness and whether they should be trusted with future situations.
It also lead me to the very odd realisation that my current therapist has more trust in me than I have in me which is ... a very odd feeling. It's nice though.
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See, the fundamental problem that kicked off my depression, lo these many years ago, was basically that I was doing a Ph.D. And, as happens with many Ph.D.'s, my research was in a state where it was not remotely possible to do all of the things that I had planned and promised to get done in the next N months, for many values of N. Also, as happens with many Ph.D. students, I was basically gaslighting myself into believing that it was in fact possible (and of course enlisting my advisor in helping me with that gaslighting, which is trivially easy to do with even good advisors). The result was that I would sit down at my desk and try to figure out what to work on -- and my brain would basically rebel because there was nothing that I could work on that would accomplish the desired goals, and I would thus procrastinate and feel guilty about procrastinating.
It would require a very astute and sophisticated understanding of the problem for a CBT practitioner to not approach this situation with what would amount to affirmations of "I am capable!" and "I can get things done today!" and thereby further entrench and inflame the problem.
(Now that I think about it, I was probably already doing that myself, repeating the patterns of the inspirational-speakers-for-teens audiotapes that my mom played in the car on long drives all through my teenage years.)
So, thank you for giving me the bump I needed to connect those dots. I think the relevant bump was the validation that my "I have no interest in doing this" feeling could be connected to a reasonable expectation of the value of CBT -- I'd processed that feeling with my tools at the time and assumed it was just me not wanting to do the work (and of course the people recommending it were probably right), and I hadn't ever re-processed it.
The precise correspondence between graduate school and abusive situations, with a particular nod towards how like certain kinds of abusers it enlists the traumatized person in perpetuating their own trauma, is left as an exercise for an eager psychology Ph.D. student....
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There are therapists who do CBT (usually not exclusively CBT) who can be helpful, but that's because therapy has more to do with the nature of the relationship between you and your therapist than it has with theory.
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I had in fact done sleep-related CBT, not realizing what I was doing! Except instead of bullshit like "This class has helped most others, so it will help me", it was stuff like "I am not a bad person because I need sleep", and "A safe amount of sleep is more important than a social event, and I should not feel excessively guilty for making that decision" and such. Because I was going after the guilt about caring for myself like I am a person who matters, and not trying to dismantle the things that have kept me safe.
The affirmations for someone with a history of trauma are so radically different. At one point in their messy breakup (which is still not fully finished) my partner was trying to tell themselves that they would be okay. That was way too positive an affirmation for someone with that trauma history, and it was making things worse. "I probably won't die if I go to game night" was better. "My partner doesn't hate me" was true, but not related to the problem. "My ex's firearms are in the possession of a third party" was helpful. And so on.
Even the not-traumatized members of this class would probably have been better served by affirmations like "That is a work problem, and I can think about it when I am at my desk" rather than "I will perform just fine even if I am only allowing myself to stay in bed for four hours."
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wait that's abusive
(I know, I know, what have you been saying this entire post)
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(It's not much of one, is it. /o\)
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I did start a pretty rigorous group discussion of the ways and careers where creativity and good mood/surface acting were important.
I certainly hope that I validated the doubts of my classmates...
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ETA: ALSO COMMUTING, WHICH MANY WORKERS DO.
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Ah, but that won't work! See, CBT-I's secret sauce is to use high levels of sleep deprivation to force sleep episodes. So if you don't sell the
markspatients on the idea thatthe feather will make them flythey don't need sleep, how will you convince them that only sleeping hour hours a night is adequate?CBT-I is two tablespoons of useful sleep hygeine mixed in a pound of patient-shaming and gaslighting: It's not that you can't sleep as much as you need, it's that you don't need as much sleep as you think you do. Your body will always sleep the amount you need, there is no such thing as a sleep disorder. If you think you're exhausted and under-rested after sleeping, that's because you're a whiner.
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...
...
...
*locates shovels and rakes and implements of deeestruction*
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THIS CLASS WAS IMPLEMENTED AS DESIGNED?! JESUS CHRIST FUCKING A POGO STICK, THIS IS NOT OKAY.
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CBT-I
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CBT-I#Sleep_restriction
Allow me to cut through the TLAs and make this clear: if you can only get four hours sleep a night but it takes you two hours to fall asleep, CBT-I requires you to only spend four hours and 20 minutes in bed each night – waking up and getting out of bed after two hours, if it took you two hours to fall asleep – until you become so exhausted that you fall asleep promptly whenever you go to bed, and get the four hours you can in the window you've allocated.
The assumption being there will come a point when you are so exhausted that you will fall asleep in less than 20 minutes.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CBT-I#Cognitive_therapy
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I WONDER WHY THAT COULD BE
I WONDER WHAT COULD HAVE LED THEM TO BELIEVE THAT
I'm like, I can see the logic, and I can see that there might be people this could work for. I can't imagine that there are that many of them (especially as a car really ought to count as heavy machinery).
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FOR FUCK'S SAKE THIS IS WHY I'M NOT ALLOWED MORE THAN 33% RESPONSIBILITY FOR AN INFANT. WHICH MAY WELL WIND UP BEING SOMEWHAT OF AN ISSUE IN MY RELATIONSHIP, POTENTIALLY.
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SOMEHOW I DOUBT THESE FUCKERS WANT TO TAKE ME INPATIENT, BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY LEVEL OF SUPERVISION WHERE I'M WILLING TO TAKE ON THAT LEVEL OF SLEEP DEP. AND THAT SOUNDS GENUINELY HELLISH AND ALSO EXPENSIVE.
OR MAYBE I COULD TAKE A NAP. OR STAY IN BED UNTIL I'M RESTED. THOSE THINGS WOULD BE GOOD TOO.
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I mean, I knew that being tired meant low executive function meant difficulty getting to bed. In a vague handwavey sort of way. But did I know it in a way I could explain concisely in a single phrase? No, I did not.
Nor had I actually tagged it with an "executive function" label, and that label is really useful because it cross references in my head to strategies to deal with lack of executive function.
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Oh, right. This is why I do things like reading in bed. So that I can go to sleep without needing to involve executive function for more than "put down the thing I am reading". Aha. Nice to know that that's a useful solution strategy and not a practice to avoid.
Also I suspect that the answer to my above question may be, "It helps to have sufficient baseline executive function so that even when it's drained by tiredness there's enough left to easily get one to bed." I'd like a magical unicorn pony (that doesn't need me to look after it), too.
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When I was first faced with the concept that one of the bad effects of being in bed while unsleepy was building associations between bed and frustration and all the other negative emotions of insomnia, my useful reaction was to break that association by removing the aspect of boredom (and therefore a lot of the frustration). (There were some unuseful reactions before I arrived at the useful one.) That was when I started curating a selection of low-light, low-brain games on my phone for bed (and I generally only use those while getting ready for bed); I personally can't read as a preparation for sleep because a sufficiently good book will wire me and keep me awake for longer.
The pair of brainhacks that started getting me into bed more effectively were:
Giving myself permission to go to bed even with certain important tasks left undone. Do I want to not brush my teeth, or leave dirty dishes out? No, but sleep may be more important.
The second was a conditioning trick for chaining actions, presented to me in the context of piano lessons. The standard way to practice a piano piece is from the front going backwards. This results in knowing the front quite well, but stumbling the further along one goes. Instead, one can practice the piece (or train the dog, or whatever) starting from the last piece first.
Go to bed.
Brush teeth, then go to bed.
Take a shower, then brush teeth and go to bed.
Brush hair, then take a shower... and so on.
At a certain point it started to become more difficult to stop the chain than to just go through it fairly brainlessly. (This chain didn't fully survive the move from California to the PNW, but I'm working off and on towards rebuilding it.)
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Bleurgh.
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(And also, it makes a surprising amount of sense now why some of those particular affirmation attempts failed so spectacularly.)
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re what he recommended to keep you awake when the sleep pressure is high but it's a bad time for a nap
i'm just...the next time someone tells me that maintaining a 'normal' sleep schedule is Of Utmost Importance, i'm going to thank them profusely and express how extremely GENEROUS it is of them to take on board supporting me financially and physically while i spend this time utterly useless for getting anything done other than Attempting to Maintain Normal Sleep Schedule. I am so very done.
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[I'm about to attempt the latest round of shifting my sleep cycle back so that it both starts and finishes earlier. I actually had to wait to start the attempt, because during the teaching part of semester (Which just finished), i had to get up by 8 or 9am quite often, which i am not supposed to do while i'm shifting my sleep schedule (which is currently more like 3am-11am, if left to its own devices). I'm supposed to let myself sleep until 11am until i am actively working on shifting it!!]
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