Sleep class!

[azurelunatic]

So because not only do I have insomnia, I also suffer from it, the most-recent in the chain of moderately alarmed sleep-adjacent professionals (the neurologist at Deer Creek) referred me to the Improve Your Sleep! class, which has been eating my Monday evenings over the last month.

The main feature of this class, in the eyes of the neurologist and my counselor, has been the CBT aspect of it. Apparently the number one thing that cures insomnia is CBT. So everyone was hopeful. (I had specified to the neurologist that I would in fact be running anything suggested in the CBT past my Supervisor and my therapist. Which was a good call to have made.)

It turns out that when Guide Dog Aunt loaned me a book on sleep a few years ago, the one that pointed out that there was not in fact any moral value to any specific sleep schedule, and that instead of saying stuff like "I'm lazy because I sleep until noon", one should look at it in terms of "My most productive hours are in the evening, and I schedule my life in a way that suits my sleep schedule" -- that general tool of re-framing the guilt and fear around sleep is in fact the very CBT that this class relies on. So, unfortunately, the CBT that I had hoped would be new information was not, in fact, new information at all. The book specifically addressed Negative Sleep Thoughts. The class then expanded the concepts of re-framing runaway negative thought chains in a better light, which is also a Fishmum trick that I've been teaching my little fishies and my partner...

The other main leg of this class is meditation and the relaxation response. I believe that I can trace my habit of meditative breathing in particular to the summer when I read ... some Heinlein book or other ... and thought that taking up meditation would be a grand idea. The latest that could have been was 1996. Then I formally took up meditation (and learned all of the techniques discussed in the meditation unit of this class) in 2001-ish, when I went to DeVry to get a degree in Holistic Massage join a coven. So depending how you slice it, I've been familiar with, and practicing, meditation for anywhere from fifteen to twenty years.

The main new information I got out of the class, in fact, was that sleep-maintenance insomnia was recently discovered to be associated with a sleep-time body temperature that has not dropped as it ought to for that part of the night. And I do, in fact, routinely overheat while attempting to sleep. Which means that if I'm in bed and even slightly think that I might not get to sleep soonish, I should immediately go and get the ice pack, and not try to be a hero.

Also, low doses of sedating antidepressants are also used as sleep medications. The instructor was down on this practice, because antidepressants are only good for people with depression. FUNNY THING, THAT.

Pretty much all the rest of the class was review, and (due to my internets research) I was often in possession of more detailed information than the instructor. I came to feel that I could probably have taught the class myself, given the curriculum.

The first class was pleasant enough. I think there were about ten of us. One woman came in late, and borrowed a pen from me. We had a pleasant chat while she was waiting for her husband to pick her up. She's sleep-deprived to the point that she can't safely drive, and caretaking for her autistic son has done a number on her sleep schedule and ability to stay asleep.

I reviewed the materials in the packets for the four weeks. The second week, the cognitive re-framing, was going to be hard, since the materials blithely suggested that "most people" could get away with abbreviated amounts of sleep with nothing more terrible than a loss of creativity and a bad mood. Pro tip: when your patient reports suicidal ideation and impulses tied to as little as one night of abbreviated sleep while under stressful circumstances (and the current Republican administration is nothing if not stressful circumstances) telling the patient that everything is probably going to be okay if they blow sunshine up their own ass is life-threateningly bad advice. So I realized that I had better sit next to the door in case I had to step out of the room.

During the second class, the instructor was trying to impress upon us the way that a poorly timed nap can fuck up your sleep schedule pretty badly. My friend said that this was going to be a problem for her: you put her in the car (as a passenger) and she passes out pretty much instantly.

"It should be easy to stay awake in the car!" said the instructor.

"It's hard."

"Well, life is hard."

At this juncture, I decided that the most constructive action I could take was going to be going and sitting in the hall for a bit (and angrily texting my partner). I came back in after about five minutes.

Later in the evening, the instructor planned to lead us through more meditation/relaxation, to include the rest of the class period. I abruptly realized that I did not actually feel that making myself vulnerable to and in front of this instructor was a good idea, and grabbed my stuff and left the building.

In the third class, I sat by the door. (My friend did not show up for this class, or the following week.) When the meditation/relaxation section arrived, I popped both headphones in and proceeded to listen to podcasts, and only emerged when that bit was done. At the end of class, I asked the instructor about the bits in the next one, saying without explanation that I would not be taking part in the relaxation exercise, and would likely leave the room. He said when the long one would be, and there would be another short one later.

In the fourth class (tonight), I sat by the door, and took a chair with me when I popped out for the duration of the exercise. The instructor came and fetched me when it was done. And I did other things for the short one.

I did ask, this time, what he recommended to keep you awake when the sleep pressure is high but it's a bad time for a nap. And if there were resources on being a millennial and not having a whole house to work with in terms of keeping stress out of your bedroom. (Do something loud. And, probably, somewhere.) I asked about next steps. He recommended the meditation class, or the anxiety class. "That really doesn't seem to be a recommendation geared for someone who has been practicing meditation for fifteen years," I said, smiling aggressively.

He recommended tai chi.

"That's really rather along the same lines," I said, still smiling.

There was a class evaluation form, which asked about how much we learned from the class, and how helpful it was. It was ... not.

So I'll be asking my GP, my counselor, and my psychiatrist about next steps, then. Now that I've taken this miserable class so they'll take me seriously.

Comments

[lilysea]

Urgh. :(

I am so sorry you (and the other people in the class!) had this experience!

Thank you for writing about it,

and please write about other sleep stuff you encounter in future if you feel comfortable doing so,

both myself and my SO have longstanding and significant sleep issues, so more knowledge in this area is always good. ^_^ <3

[alatefeline]

*headdesk*

I admire you for the sheer cussedness and hard work it takes to put up with that crap. I know it's not f***ing optional because of the requirement to accept crap to get passed along to anything new to try, BUT you still did something pretty impressive. The longest I've put up with 'I could teach this' is a few hours at a time, and it wasn't medical.

[azurelunatic]

Two hours per week, over four weeks.

[alatefeline]

Eeesh. I'm sorry that the world is stuffed full of sh** of this sort.

*realizes this story is more personally applicable than I want it to be* Gahhh and I dunwanna deal with the medical things or the sleep things of my own either *hides* oh noooo it even found me at the bottom of my cup of chamomile tea. *makes pillow fort* If I stay here long enough that's LIKE sleeping right?

I hope that your docs give you something actually useful to try next.

[quartzpebble]

Waugh. That's horrible. That does not sound like an environment that is good for inducing vulnerability. Good for you noticing that.

I take a low dose of one of those sedating antidepressants for sleep (since other ADs keep me from sleeping for long enough, and keep me from going to sleep) and it is glorious. I sleep enough. I fall asleep within 20 min unless my brain is really on about something. I am awake in the morning (if I've slept enough). For people with depression, it's (ime) not a bad call.

[azurelunatic]

How long have you been on that regimen? One of the things in the packet was all "but it wears off!"

[quartzpebble]

Years, at this point. The last 2 years continuously, and at least another year or two previously.

ETA: It makes a noticeable difference when I forget to take my meds--I'll be lying in bed going "why am I not asleep yet" and then I remember. So it's not that I'd be getting to sleep the same anyway.

[jesse_the_k]

I've been taking low-dose tricyclic antidepressants to help me sleep for years. Every three - four years I rotate to a new one.

Amtriptyline is super effective--I hated it the first time around because it creates dry mouth. But having taken both lithium and Wellbutrin, my default hydration is so high that I'm loving the Amtriptyline this time around. 30mg at dinner.

Sleepy at bedtime.

[sporky_rat]

That sounds like the most miserable, most aggravating load of codswallop I have ever heard.
(The class, I mean.)
The one time I ever took one of those, the instructor at least gave out a quick questionnaire to see who knew anything about what was going to be discussed. I sort of tested right out of that class. But yours! Ugh.

Here's hoping something works out for your sleeping.
(Is it just getting to sleep or is it staying asleep? Mine's trouble getting to sleep and then I can't stay asleep and then I wake up early early when I do manage to stay asleep. It's remarkable how you can want to stab your brain.)

[azurelunatic]

It used to be both. After shifting the timing of my melatonin to sunset/dinner and reducing the dosage (apparently .5mg [500mcg] is less likely to overload your receptors and leave you going "WEEEEEEEEE!" in the middle of the night), and getting a powerful incentive to be in bed at a certain predictable time every night courtesy of a certain partner (mmmm) (even though we don't share a bed yet), the going-to-sleep is no longer such a problem.

Then I can't stay asleep, except that then I *do* go back to sleep, and when I wake up then it's noon.

[sithjawa]

........................Oh.

I took melatonin once upon a time and I thought I was *nuts* when I found I was taking a dose some site thought was clinically insignificant, increased my dose, and it stopped working.

[redsixwing]

Oh noooo. Good for you, getting through that and writing useful information so they can tell where they done gone wrong.

[azurelunatic]

When the instructor started going over the (unsafe) suggested CBT affirmations, I started (not subtly) shredding that page in my packet.

From an email to my prescribing psychiatrist:

[azurelunatic]

I have now completed the Improving Your Sleep class.

I would not recommend that patients who have researched insomnia on their own and already made lifestyle changes be enrolled in this class, although the paper packets may contain some 5% or less of new information. Patients who have already studied relaxation and mediation may find up to half this class redundant. Patients with a history of trauma may find this class unsafe to participate in. I would not recommend that patients whose response to insufficient sleep includes suicidal ideation or impulses be enrolled in this class, *ever*.

Unfortunately, the CBT principles of reframing negative thoughts around sleep are something I've already been practicing for several years. I hadn't known that was what was meant by CBT.

At our next appointment, I'd like to discuss medication to address my continued inability to remain asleep.

Re: From an email to my prescribing psychiatrist:

[quartzpebble]

GOOD YELLING.

[alexseanchai]

Auuuugh /o\

[tim]

Ugh. Sorry you had to expose yourself to that toxic waste.

This is a prime example of why CBT is so, so bad for anybody with a trauma history. My thoughts aren't the problem, it's my body literally trying to protect me by telling me a situation is unsafe. (Which is why I have insomnia -- I spent my childhood being forced by an abusive parent to go to bed when I wasn't tired, and in fact, not actually experiencing sleepiness partly because of that and partly because my body pretty much shut off any awareness of internal senses because that was too dangerous to have in the situation I was in. Telling myself to think better thoughts won't fix it, it'll just cause more shame because I can't perform.)

[tim]

I ended up wanting to expand more on that thought, so I wrote a post and linked to this one. If you don't want it linked to, I'll be happy to take it out. Thanks for the inspiration in any case :)

[azurelunatic]

I had in fact done sleep-related CBT, not realizing what I was doing! Except instead of bullshit like "This class has helped most others, so it will help me", it was stuff like "I am not a bad person because I need sleep", and "A safe amount of sleep is more important than a social event, and I should not feel excessively guilty for making that decision" and such. Because I was going after the guilt about caring for myself like I am a person who matters, and not trying to dismantle the things that have kept me safe.

The affirmations for someone with a history of trauma are so radically different. At one point in their messy breakup (which is still not fully finished) my partner was trying to tell themselves that they would be okay. That was way too positive an affirmation for someone with that trauma history, and it was making things worse. "I probably won't die if I go to game night" was better. "My partner doesn't hate me" was true, but not related to the problem. "My ex's firearms are in the possession of a third party" was helpful. And so on.

Even the not-traumatized members of this class would probably have been better served by affirmations like "That is a work problem, and I can think about it when I am at my desk" rather than "I will perform just fine even if I am only allowing myself to stay in bed for four hours."

[silveradept]

At least you're not having your time wasted so thoroughly at this point.

Bleurgh.

[azurelunatic]

Have you read the comments? It gets better.

[shehasathree]

I haven't read all of this post (i...had insufficient sleep last night after a very stressful day, and am getting ready to go out and conduct a research interview for my PhD project on fatigue and sleep in chronic illness...) but reading the bottom few paragraphs is causing me to the feel the metaphorical flames of RAGE on the side of my face.

re what he recommended to keep you awake when the sleep pressure is high but it's a bad time for a nap
i'm just...the next time someone tells me that maintaining a 'normal' sleep schedule is Of Utmost Importance, i'm going to thank them profusely and express how extremely GENEROUS it is of them to take on board supporting me financially and physically while i spend this time utterly useless for getting anything done other than Attempting to Maintain Normal Sleep Schedule. I am so very done.

[azurelunatic]

SO MUCH CRAP

[tim]

Thanks again for this post and all the comments -- it helped me better articulate a few things that have weighed on me for a long time.

[azurelunatic]

I'm so glad it helped.