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Dec. 31st, 2002
The trouble when my family fights is that we love each other too much to pretend we hate each other when we fight, and when communication skills have all gone kablooie, there is yelling when finally the pressure of unsaid words are too much.
That is to say, when I woke up this morning from the dream where Darkside and I had been wrapped around each other in a long, tight hug, I thought that I was back home at the Temple with the Yelly Lady ranting outside. Guide Dog Aunt was Not Happy, and was using more profanity in one breath than gets used in the Temple in an hour.
Marigold is here.
The first time I woke up this morning, it was to visit the bathroom. Then Deacon helpfully nosed me awake when Guide Dog Aunt got up. Then there was communal yelling. And knocking on the door. And general living room traffic.
Today already feels like the sort of day I should [interrupted to change Inanna's batteries] have stayed in bed. (9:26am)
That is to say, when I woke up this morning from the dream where Darkside and I had been wrapped around each other in a long, tight hug, I thought that I was back home at the Temple with the Yelly Lady ranting outside. Guide Dog Aunt was Not Happy, and was using more profanity in one breath than gets used in the Temple in an hour.
Marigold is here.
The first time I woke up this morning, it was to visit the bathroom. Then Deacon helpfully nosed me awake when Guide Dog Aunt got up. Then there was communal yelling. And knocking on the door. And general living room traffic.
Today already feels like the sort of day I should [interrupted to change Inanna's batteries] have stayed in bed. (9:26am)
weight, celebratory randomness
Dec. 31st, 2002 12:47 am245-ish by Grandma's scale. We'll see how this goes. I am inclined to generally distrust it for an absolute weight, but for seeing relative things, it could be good.
Shall attempt to nobly resist chocolate.
Should ask Guide Dog Aunt if we could stop by <random grocery store> and/or Trader Joe's on the way to see Steph. I am thinking that perhaps some of the Evil Stuff [read: likely champagne] and chocolate may be in order.
Shall attempt to nobly resist chocolate.
Should ask Guide Dog Aunt if we could stop by <random grocery store> and/or Trader Joe's on the way to see Steph. I am thinking that perhaps some of the Evil Stuff [read: likely champagne] and chocolate may be in order.
Character Exposition
Dec. 31st, 2002 01:22 amGuide Dog Aunt is cool. She's the youngest sister of my father.
Her husband, Guide Dog Uncle, is pretty much a nonentity on my radar. He skis, and works for something involving genetic engineering of some sort.
They have two kids. They both like to play computer games. The younger one will only dress in black at the moment. He was something excellently cool for Halloween: a "pander-bear", I believe: a panda dressed as a pimp. Some of his chickfriends agreed to be his hoes, but they came dressed wrong. Or perhaps that was last year. I want to get to know them better... without BJ. They liked him, because he'd play games with them.
Guide Dog Aunt raises guide dog puppies. Right now she's got one of those, and her regular dog, Deacon. Deke is a guide dog flunk-out. Deacon is a large Black Lab, very friendly, very calm, and very, very hungry. He will eat anything and/or everything, but is for the most part well-trained about it. He likes even unlikely items such as apple cores and lettuce. He even licked up a spill of balsamic vinegar that went on the floor while I was pouring it down the drain.
Marigold is Grandma's paid companion, who is scheduled to come for four hours a day, three days a week. This is so Grandma will have someone taking at least haphazard care of her at some point. This includes laundry, cooking, and cleaning. Grandma is not fond of the idea.
Grandma is currently 85 years old as of November. We thought that she had most of her marbles most of the time. It falls out that she has some of her marbles some of the time, which is not boding well for her independence, which she is clinging to with all her stubbornness, which is unabated. One of my family's traits is stubbornness, and it seems to originate from both Grandma and GrandfatherSir's genetic lines. Grandma is still limitedly mobile, with a walker or a cane, but spends most of her day in her comfy-chair. She lives by herself with a few houseplants in SoCal, various distances away from Guide Dog Aunt & Uncle, Aunt & Uncle Fayoumis, Uncle & Mrs. Davy, and Uncle Davy's grown sons Matt & Chris. She has a nice sense of humor, and laughs at my family-style jokes.
She's very self-sufficient, or tries to be, and Guide Dog Aunt and I figured out that the reason she doesn't want anyone else doing anything is this: If she wanted it done, she'd have done it herself. If she admitted that she wanted it done, she'd have to admit that she is incapable of doing it herself. She is unwilling to admit she is incapable of doing anything. She is no longer capable of taking good care of herself on her own. She can't remember whether she's taken her medications or not. She doesn't know what day it is, and has to ask other people. The silly things like forgetting that the daughter of her son would be her granddaughter are just silly things. Medications are worrisome. Not eating when taking blood-thinners is worrisome. Any sort of eating weirdness coupled with diabetes is really fucking bad. Left to herself, she'll eat bread and butter, because she doesn't have the energy to come up with anything else.
And yet she's unaware, or seemingly unaware, that things are really this bad for her.
Uncle Davy: Way cooler than I'd heard he was from FatherSir. Rather too much like FatherSir, only with more of GrandfatherSir's Jack of All Trades thing going. Exploded things when he was a kid. The coolest flypaper on earth.
Grandma's house: a small house in Glendale, CA. It features a nice living room a little larger than the Temple's, with a fireplace, a dining room with lots of windows and glass doors, a pantry that's very small, a decent kitchen with a very wobbly microwave stand, Grandma's bedroom and an extra one, a small bathroom and a "powder room", and assorted closets with Unseeable Things in their deep nether depths. There is a front yard and a back yard and a vacant lot. The front yard has weeds and flowers and a few bushes. The back yard has a brick path, a compost bin, some trees, a bit of a terrace. There's a live oak in the front yard, and a tangerine tree in the back. The vacant lot doesn't have much of anything. Acorns.
Grandma has a neighbor, Dee, who took care of an invalid husband with Lou Gherig's Disease for five years, and is now remarried after her late husband's death. Dee is cheerfully loud and meddlesome. If not for the fact that her heart is at least somewhere near the right place, I would have taken an instant anti-shine to her. She calls to check up on Grandma once a day at the least, and stops by frequently. Grandma helped her with her husband; now Dee helps Grandma.
Uncle-Fayoumis is very, very shy. More shy than Darkside, even. He likes computers, but seems to be an eternal Clueful User. He seems to have mellowed, or grown more into his own, since last I met him.
Her husband, Guide Dog Uncle, is pretty much a nonentity on my radar. He skis, and works for something involving genetic engineering of some sort.
They have two kids. They both like to play computer games. The younger one will only dress in black at the moment. He was something excellently cool for Halloween: a "pander-bear", I believe: a panda dressed as a pimp. Some of his chickfriends agreed to be his hoes, but they came dressed wrong. Or perhaps that was last year. I want to get to know them better... without BJ. They liked him, because he'd play games with them.
Guide Dog Aunt raises guide dog puppies. Right now she's got one of those, and her regular dog, Deacon. Deke is a guide dog flunk-out. Deacon is a large Black Lab, very friendly, very calm, and very, very hungry. He will eat anything and/or everything, but is for the most part well-trained about it. He likes even unlikely items such as apple cores and lettuce. He even licked up a spill of balsamic vinegar that went on the floor while I was pouring it down the drain.
Marigold is Grandma's paid companion, who is scheduled to come for four hours a day, three days a week. This is so Grandma will have someone taking at least haphazard care of her at some point. This includes laundry, cooking, and cleaning. Grandma is not fond of the idea.
Grandma is currently 85 years old as of November. We thought that she had most of her marbles most of the time. It falls out that she has some of her marbles some of the time, which is not boding well for her independence, which she is clinging to with all her stubbornness, which is unabated. One of my family's traits is stubbornness, and it seems to originate from both Grandma and GrandfatherSir's genetic lines. Grandma is still limitedly mobile, with a walker or a cane, but spends most of her day in her comfy-chair. She lives by herself with a few houseplants in SoCal, various distances away from Guide Dog Aunt & Uncle, Aunt & Uncle Fayoumis, Uncle & Mrs. Davy, and Uncle Davy's grown sons Matt & Chris. She has a nice sense of humor, and laughs at my family-style jokes.
She's very self-sufficient, or tries to be, and Guide Dog Aunt and I figured out that the reason she doesn't want anyone else doing anything is this: If she wanted it done, she'd have done it herself. If she admitted that she wanted it done, she'd have to admit that she is incapable of doing it herself. She is unwilling to admit she is incapable of doing anything. She is no longer capable of taking good care of herself on her own. She can't remember whether she's taken her medications or not. She doesn't know what day it is, and has to ask other people. The silly things like forgetting that the daughter of her son would be her granddaughter are just silly things. Medications are worrisome. Not eating when taking blood-thinners is worrisome. Any sort of eating weirdness coupled with diabetes is really fucking bad. Left to herself, she'll eat bread and butter, because she doesn't have the energy to come up with anything else.
And yet she's unaware, or seemingly unaware, that things are really this bad for her.
Uncle Davy: Way cooler than I'd heard he was from FatherSir. Rather too much like FatherSir, only with more of GrandfatherSir's Jack of All Trades thing going. Exploded things when he was a kid. The coolest flypaper on earth.
Grandma's house: a small house in Glendale, CA. It features a nice living room a little larger than the Temple's, with a fireplace, a dining room with lots of windows and glass doors, a pantry that's very small, a decent kitchen with a very wobbly microwave stand, Grandma's bedroom and an extra one, a small bathroom and a "powder room", and assorted closets with Unseeable Things in their deep nether depths. There is a front yard and a back yard and a vacant lot. The front yard has weeds and flowers and a few bushes. The back yard has a brick path, a compost bin, some trees, a bit of a terrace. There's a live oak in the front yard, and a tangerine tree in the back. The vacant lot doesn't have much of anything. Acorns.
Grandma has a neighbor, Dee, who took care of an invalid husband with Lou Gherig's Disease for five years, and is now remarried after her late husband's death. Dee is cheerfully loud and meddlesome. If not for the fact that her heart is at least somewhere near the right place, I would have taken an instant anti-shine to her. She calls to check up on Grandma once a day at the least, and stops by frequently. Grandma helped her with her husband; now Dee helps Grandma.
Uncle-Fayoumis is very, very shy. More shy than Darkside, even. He likes computers, but seems to be an eternal Clueful User. He seems to have mellowed, or grown more into his own, since last I met him.
Happy New Year, tooooo youuuuuuu...
Dec. 31st, 2002 01:50 amThoughts on this past year:
Dude.
That was a lot of stuff.
2002 has been an interesting year. I gained three new lovers, two of whom are no longer mine. I lost a friend. Whether that friend comes back into my life or not is still an interesting question, but not one I dwell on overmuch. LJ has been a strong presence in my life this year. Magic's been a key part of my life. I've been loved, extensively, and I love. I almost lost someone very dear to me. There has been drama, turmoil, pranking, silliness, and change. I've become more disillusioned with the way the world works in playing with each other. I've written. I've improved my writing. I've met someone more up-and-down turbulent than I am, who's managed to survive darker, longer soul-nights, and has come out of it a strong Soul-Knight with dented, tarnished, yet shining armor, and have faith that I can do the same.
I've put down my blade for the moment, but rest assured, she lies close to hand, and while I've been slacking off at some things, I Know that there are other things that I've been honing to near-perfection, even though I would be hard-pressed to name them at present. I've had pen in hand, not sword, but that can be just as dangerous. I've been refining, redefining, love. I've been honing myself, my shell, my user interfaces, and I'm sure that someone looking at me from the outside will see differences that I am unaware of from the inside, and will remain unaware of until it comes time to in fact do something.
I've quit my soul-sucking job, and have been running dry, and am experiencing the interesting side of things there. Time. Money. The interesting things. School. Work. Play.
I'm just not sure what's going on inside my head. I am a powerful force for change. I just don't see what it is that I've been so drastically changing... but myself.
This journal, more than anything else, is a measurement by which I watch myself. Where have I been? What words do I use? How much time do I devote to myself, to others, to updating the journal, to dreaming, writing fiction, writing fact? What are my interests, enthusiasms? What books have I been reading?
It's perilous to define the selfness too closely, too narrowly. Exactitude can be deadly if not defined with wide enough parameters. Was Cherryh a kaos worker when she wrote the Manual? Field too wide can be either scary or delightful when it comes up in one's personality/ies. Stepwise variables. Ranges. Must look up what 'domain' means again as to the computer, and see how it fits me. Range is all the different possibliities in a category. Domain is that category itself.
I have new friends. I have become a Mentor, of sorts. An orientator. After having slipped gently out of a Circle in past years, one now forms before me, in a form convenient to the Age. Disparate members, interesting times.
What holds the next year? Immediately, I get to meet old friends, form new bonds. I get to see a wedding. Perhaps meet someone I must be careful to not pedestalize too bloody much. Reunite with my boyfriend. Explore whatever lies ahead with him; explore whatever lies ahead with Darkside. Neither of us wanted to let go, in that dream we had last night where he held me. We knew we had different paths to trace then, and we had to, but with the promise of reuniting after class was over. As we always have. Separating us still binds the bond...
I anticipate, in this next year, seeing what my year of the Fool has brought me, discovering interesting new aspects to myself and my life, and exploring them.
Dude.
That was a lot of stuff.
2002 has been an interesting year. I gained three new lovers, two of whom are no longer mine. I lost a friend. Whether that friend comes back into my life or not is still an interesting question, but not one I dwell on overmuch. LJ has been a strong presence in my life this year. Magic's been a key part of my life. I've been loved, extensively, and I love. I almost lost someone very dear to me. There has been drama, turmoil, pranking, silliness, and change. I've become more disillusioned with the way the world works in playing with each other. I've written. I've improved my writing. I've met someone more up-and-down turbulent than I am, who's managed to survive darker, longer soul-nights, and has come out of it a strong Soul-Knight with dented, tarnished, yet shining armor, and have faith that I can do the same.
I've put down my blade for the moment, but rest assured, she lies close to hand, and while I've been slacking off at some things, I Know that there are other things that I've been honing to near-perfection, even though I would be hard-pressed to name them at present. I've had pen in hand, not sword, but that can be just as dangerous. I've been refining, redefining, love. I've been honing myself, my shell, my user interfaces, and I'm sure that someone looking at me from the outside will see differences that I am unaware of from the inside, and will remain unaware of until it comes time to in fact do something.
I've quit my soul-sucking job, and have been running dry, and am experiencing the interesting side of things there. Time. Money. The interesting things. School. Work. Play.
I'm just not sure what's going on inside my head. I am a powerful force for change. I just don't see what it is that I've been so drastically changing... but myself.
This journal, more than anything else, is a measurement by which I watch myself. Where have I been? What words do I use? How much time do I devote to myself, to others, to updating the journal, to dreaming, writing fiction, writing fact? What are my interests, enthusiasms? What books have I been reading?
It's perilous to define the selfness too closely, too narrowly. Exactitude can be deadly if not defined with wide enough parameters. Was Cherryh a kaos worker when she wrote the Manual? Field too wide can be either scary or delightful when it comes up in one's personality/ies. Stepwise variables. Ranges. Must look up what 'domain' means again as to the computer, and see how it fits me. Range is all the different possibliities in a category. Domain is that category itself.
I have new friends. I have become a Mentor, of sorts. An orientator. After having slipped gently out of a Circle in past years, one now forms before me, in a form convenient to the Age. Disparate members, interesting times.
What holds the next year? Immediately, I get to meet old friends, form new bonds. I get to see a wedding. Perhaps meet someone I must be careful to not pedestalize too bloody much. Reunite with my boyfriend. Explore whatever lies ahead with him; explore whatever lies ahead with Darkside. Neither of us wanted to let go, in that dream we had last night where he held me. We knew we had different paths to trace then, and we had to, but with the promise of reuniting after class was over. As we always have. Separating us still binds the bond...
I anticipate, in this next year, seeing what my year of the Fool has brought me, discovering interesting new aspects to myself and my life, and exploring them.
The Wheel turns, and things change.
I feel Darkside and I are on the verge of something very interesting and new, something having the properties of our comfort with each other, our intertwinedness, and the way we hold together like magnets when we are together, and the way we reconnect, still magnetized to each other, after separation.
I have the insight that we will be entering a period of separation, and that is what the dream last night was meta-telling me, as well as the immediate hope of Darkside that things with my family be better. I needed the knowledge that he still will hold me, last night. Even in a dream, his arms around me, and mine about him, are a comfort.
I don't need directional energetics. I just need the link.
I've known for some time that distance is irrelevant for certain things.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
iroshi's tooth, for example. (Speaking of which, even though the lithium quartz point is still back in Phoenix, I can still use it, dear, if you need me to.) Have just added my link to Darkside to that immediate mental space that does not require skating the astral in any way/shape/form.
That's what having any sort of bondmate is all about: having a link so strong that it remains. <insert poetry here>
I feel Darkside and I are on the verge of something very interesting and new, something having the properties of our comfort with each other, our intertwinedness, and the way we hold together like magnets when we are together, and the way we reconnect, still magnetized to each other, after separation.
I have the insight that we will be entering a period of separation, and that is what the dream last night was meta-telling me, as well as the immediate hope of Darkside that things with my family be better. I needed the knowledge that he still will hold me, last night. Even in a dream, his arms around me, and mine about him, are a comfort.
I don't need directional energetics. I just need the link.
I've known for some time that distance is irrelevant for certain things.
iroshi's tooth, for example. (Speaking of which, even though the lithium quartz point is still back in Phoenix, I can still use it, dear, if you need me to.) Have just added my link to Darkside to that immediate mental space that does not require skating the astral in any way/shape/form. That's what having any sort of bondmate is all about: having a link so strong that it remains. <insert poetry here>
Whee, we made it!
Dec. 31st, 2002 05:08 pmMove every 'zig'.
I am at the place wheresithjawa is catsitting, and there is much good and giggleage.
The insanity is far too personalized for most sane interpretations. There was a cleaning frenzy. May wind up calling Microsoft for help getting Tigereye set up. The MSN dialer has since failed to work...
Much, much fun. The spacebar on this computer does not work, and we are forced to resort to paste.
I am at the place where
sithjawa is catsitting, and there is much good and giggleage. The insanity is far too personalized for most sane interpretations. There was a cleaning frenzy. May wind up calling Microsoft for help getting Tigereye set up. The MSN dialer has since failed to work...
Much, much fun. The spacebar on this computer does not work, and we are forced to resort to paste.
Happy Season
Dec. 31st, 2002 08:30 pmThere is battle with the ants. They are coming in, and there is very little anyone can do about them. We found the ant poison, and are spraying that carefully. Cassie was in the closet for a bit. Cassie is the cat that Sithjawa is sitting.
Called Darkside. Got his mother. She said call back in an hour; he just left work ten minutes ago. So I have her blessing to call back. Silly man will have to yell at her first.
So indeed I shall call back.
Called Darkside. Got his mother. She said call back in an hour; he just left work ten minutes ago. So I have her blessing to call back. Silly man will have to yell at her first.
So indeed I shall call back.
Sunshine...
Dec. 31st, 2002 08:59 pmCalled Darkside. Vented. Didn't realize I was that stressed until I'd told him all about everything.
*sigh* I miss him. When I told him that, he said, "Excuses, excuses"...
I miss him so very much. How did he get to know me so well?
*sigh* I miss him. When I told him that, he said, "Excuses, excuses"...
I miss him so very much. How did he get to know me so well?
Evil, doom.
Dec. 31st, 2002 11:25 pmDoom, evil.
And stuff.
There's a post that I very much want to see, when it gets posted.
And stuff.
There's a post that I very much want to see, when it gets posted.
Grocery list
Dec. 31st, 2002 11:56 pmsithjawa and I found an interesting list of items, perhaps from a game, that looked like a shopping list.We, being our ever-creative selves, added to it a bit, causing it to read as follows:
- Lactose-free DOOM!
- Milk
- Eggs
- Temporal Flux Shield
- Particle Vortex Cannon
- Reactionless Thruster
- Plasma Blaster
- Proton Masor Beam
- Sardien Optimizer
- Bread
We could only find a few of them when we went shopping, and of course we forgot to take the list...