Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/11/i-have-to-co-manage-with-my-husband-coworker-talks-with-his-mouth-full-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34345

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I have to co-manage with my husband

My husband and I work for the same organization and live in a VERY small tourist town in the U.S. (~600 year-round residents and we live about an hour from a Wal-Mart or big box store).

Our organization receives (received) a lot of federal funding. Most of that funding has been cut so we’re looking at downsizing and layoffs. Right now, my husband and I are managers in related but separate departments (think: youth outreach vs. adult education). His department is him and another full-time manager who supervise three full-timers and some seasonal employees, and my department has slightly more staffing. The most likely restructuring would combine our departments, and he and I would likely be the remaining managers for four full-time and around 10 seasonal staff.

Hence, my letter because I have Concerns. While we are very good at keeping our work and relationship separate (we’ve been together for nine years, worked for the org for eight years, and people are routinely surprised when they see us holding hands when out and about in town), the logistics and optics are concerning. If one of us has conflict with an employee, will they feel comfortable going to the other person? When one of us makes an unpopular decision, will they think we have a united front because we’re married and not because we think it’s the best interest of our organization?

Do you have any advice on how to mitigate potential issues and how to establish trust with our seasonal workers or new full-timers? We may have some (very limited) input in how our departments are restructured, so any ideas there?

(And if you’re curious, “Why keep the married couple?” One, we are both very good at what we do, having both received regional awards and been nominated for national recognition in our respective fields. Two, my co-manager is retiring and his co-manager, while kind and lovely, struggles with some of the more intricate parts of the job and has expressed interest in moving back to his former position. Three, our jobs involve delivering various services to vulnerable local and satellite communities, and it takes years to build relationships with those communities. He and I have spent years building up trust and only now are able to connect in the way that we need. Firing one or both of us could have long-lasting impacts in the community and our org’s ability to efficiently fulfill its mission. And, we don’t want to leave. We love this org, we love what we’ve built, and because we’re in a small rural town, there just aren’t that many other options so we want to try to make this work.)

The biggest thing you can do is to deputize someone for people to go to with concerns about either of you — someone who is not one of you and someone who it’s understood has real capital and influence (so that people are confident that this person is well-positioned to actually raise the concerns with you or someone above you). There should also be a clear pathway for people to go over your heads if something is serious, such as by having your own boss cultivate relationships with  your team and be deliberate about creating avenues for ongoing conversations with them (both formally and informally), so people feel comfortable approaching her if something about the Couple Set-Up makes them uneasy approaching either of you. You could be clear about what topics would warrant that (for example, concerns about harassment, discrimination, significant management issues, or ethics).

It will also help to have very clear delineations of responsibility for each of you — so you’re not both responsible for XYZ, but rather you are responsible for X and he is responsible for YZ — and try to keep clear boundaries there as much as you can.

Last, give some thought to how this will impact your relationship! That is a lot of life overlap, so find ways to ensure that when you’re not at work you’re relating to each other as a married couple, not as colleagues.

2. Lunch with a coworker who talks with his mouth full

Very low stakes question: I have a colleague who I used to work with (he’s since moved teams but still in the same building) and we have had a lunch due for a while. We went last week and it was AWFUL: he talks with his mouth full CONSTANTLY. He talks a lot and he takes big bites. It was really not nice and very obvious, we had a table very close by and the two guys eating there even noticed.

If relevant, this person has enough work experience to have learned social cues on eating in public at least in a professional setting. And it’s not a cultural thing. The lunch was informal but still during working hours close to the office.

He paid and said next it’s on me. I am dreading having to spend again an hour seeing food in his mouth. I don’t want to offer a coffee as it feels like being cheap.

Since he moved teams we don’t interact anymore work-wise but I feel, out of politeness, that I need to eventually return the invite. What would you advise?

There are some relationships, even work ones, where you could say, “Dude, you’re talking with your mouth full!” But assuming this isn’t one of them (and I’m guessing it’s not or you wouldn’t be asking) … suggest coffee next time.

Most people aren’t keeping track of this kind of thing closely enough to feel deep resentment if they paid for a lunch and then you returned the favor with a coffee. It would be different if he were buying multiple lunches and you kept reciprocating with just coffee (assuming you were peers), but him paying for a single lunch does not obligate you to undergo another display of terrible table manners.

3. How do I explain my predecessor’s poor work quality to clients?

I am a manager of managers at a job that essentially comes down to writing extremely lengthy technical reports. While we are a private company, the reports are depended upon by numerous state and federal agencies, nonprofits, and others. It would not be an exaggeration to say people’s lives depend on the reports.

Before I started this position, the person who managed this unit was full of passion but not great at the job, and the reports from that era are sloppy and full of errors and don’t provide what is needed. My predecessor was let go, and I was brought in to get the department in shape. I’ve been leading the unit now for several years, and there has been an enormous turn-around and now we are nationally known in our field for the quality of our work. (Yay!) However, I still get calls occasionally from people needing one of the older reports. I feel like I should give a disclaimer, and usually I do, that the work isn’t reflective of who we are now and that I would be happy to redo the report at no cost. At the same time I am nervous about exposing us to liability by saying, “Hey when we did this job for you? We may have totally screwed up.” What are your suggestions for how to navigate this?

Could you say something like, “We’ve made some changes in our methodology for doing these so if you’d like us to rerun it using our current process, we’d be happy to”? Or even, “We’ve made some changes in our methodology, which has made these more precise, so if you’d like us to rerun it using our current process, we’d be happy to”?

4. Is it a risk to work for a very small company?

I’ve been reading your column for a long time and it’s really helped me with workplace norms in a decidedly abnormal field.

However, I have a question about small companies. A lot of times people write in asking if such-and-such is legal or not — and it seems like, a lot of the time, what’s illegal for a large company is legal for a small company. If I understand correctly, in many states, companies with under 50 employees can basically get away with anything, including wage discrimination, age discrimination, gender discrimination, not providing healthcare to full-time employees, not providing certain accommodations … the list goes on.

This makes it seem like a significant risk to accept work with a small company. For those applying to jobs, should this play into the calculus? For those (like me) who already work for small companies, how do we navigate these issues when we’re exposed to them, especially if we can’t use the law as leverage?

That’s not entirely correct, although sometimes it is. The federal laws against discriminating based on race, sex, religion, pregnancy, disability, and other protected classes, as well as the federal laws against harassment, kick in at 15 employees. (You said 50, but that’s just the number of employees where FMLA applies.) But many states have similar laws that kick in at lower thresholds (often at one employee). Not all do, though — so yes, if you’re in a state that doesn’t and you’re at a company with 14 or fewer employees, you will have substantially fewer legal protections than at companies with 15+ employees.

And yes, that should play into the calculus when considering a job at a very small company — along with all the other potential issues with working for very small companies, like that any dysfunction tends to be magnified. Without legal protection, your only real leverage is your willingness to leave (or to band together with colleagues and push for change).

5. When should I start job-searching?

I have been laid off from my software development job at a manufacturing company. My last day is eight months away. When should I start applying for new jobs?

Now. You don’t know how long a job search will take, particularly in this economy. You can be choosy if you start the search now, whereas the longer you wait, the more pressure you’ll feel to take whatever is offered.

The post I have to co-manage with my husband, coworker talks with his mouth full, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/11/i-have-to-co-manage-with-my-husband-coworker-talks-with-his-mouth-full-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34345