
Darkside's new haircut still looks like him. He always looks like himself. I always want to hug him when I see him, and today especially. We hadn't seen each other in far too long.
Most often-heard comment by people seeing or hearing the two of us interact: "You two really need to get together, or get it on, or something...."
What I don't want to do is jump the gun and try pulling something on him before he's ready for it. Surest way to fuck up a friendship, and I don't want to try to do anything romantic at him that isn't easily backed out of if he expresses discomfort. He knows I love him; he knows I'm attracted to him. We're honest enough with this issue; we just avoid discussing it.
I have been working carefully with him on getting his heart un-broken. It'll benefit everyone in the long run: him, for not being broken inside; me, for not having to deal with his pain (though I can block him out any time I choose, it still hurts me to see a friend in pain); Sis, so she'll know he's stronger for it all; his eventual Significant Other, whoever she may be, for having someone who's whole at heart. He never did the whole high school dating thing, where you get your heart broken while you're still young, with a short attention span and hyperactive hormones. He's waiting until twenty-two to get his heart mangled over and over again.
I've been reaching out to him and clasping both his hands. We're friends, and that's likely to be eternal. Though I'm not Sis, and I'm not his lover, and I perhaps never will be, he's learning that it doesn't hurt to be touched anymore ... never mind that this is all in the stretches of the imagination on a plane other than ours.
Today he reached back.
Today, as I was stressing over other paperwork, he walked up to me, grinned at me, made a few snide comments, and then told me he did have to leave. I put my hand up to wave goodbye, and he reached out and laced his fingers through mine and clasped my hand for a few seconds.
The sensation has remained with me all day.
I think I'll stop trying to hide it when I am upset or unhappy, at least around him, to maybe show him that other people have dark emotions as well. He knows me best as a bright creature of air and fire; I have a cheery nature and a quick temper. He's never seen sullen anger rise in me and remain for years on end. He's seen the end results of such an anger, something that's scarred me for years, and may well continue to disfigure my mind for years to come. He's never seen such an anger grow and eat away at me. He's never seen me after someone's broken up with me. He's seen my discontent at being single; my frustrated sexual energy being diverted to nervous occupations such as staying up all night typing online, but he's never seen me truly lose control of my temper; never seen me fly into an absolute rage.
The people back at home used to be afraid of me, because they never knew how my uncertain temper would erupt next. They knew they'd been asking for it, but when they got it, usually a screaming session from me, or something involving their schoolwork and utterly arcane, they never knew how I'd gotten from point A to point B, though they all admitted that I was effective.
Bottom line is, we've all got problems.
Bottom line is, no matter what his fuckups are, I love him, as he cares about me no matter my fuckups.
He thinks he's unworthy, the poor fellow.
That's as may be. I intend to prove him wrong. Not by proving myself lower, but by proving us both human.