Holding up.

Thanks, iroshi. I took a very warm shower, curled up in bed, and went somewhat reluctantly to sleep; my body was saying I was still good for another five hours. I seriously considered asking Adam to come over and hold me.

Have been writing on paper this morning just randomly to help me chill out. Darkside's been reading over my shoulder and not objecting to my holding on to his forearm for support.

Still feeling shocky.

Dawn is going to be giving me big hugs when she comes in. she called rather late last night, which woke me up; that was OK.

Been burning off nervous energy to answer backlogged comments.

Oooh, interesting thought.

wiredferret has some interesting thoughts on depression.

I can see how that's applicable. I know myself that once I get down low enough to be really bad, I don't want to change, because as it stands, it's a place that I've been before, and I don't really care to expend the effort. It would hurt too much, take too much energy, to try and drag myself out. So what if loving that idiot Shawn is hurting me? I love him, and my love of him is an integral part of me. I can live with it; learning how to unlove him, unlove him because he hurts me on purpose with his words, would be not-me.

It's scary what we define ourselves around, sometimes.

Joke:

How do you safely hug a depressed introvert?

( ... )

( ... )

Class

Speech class: Ashford read various bits of poetry for us. Some Robert Frost (the road less traveled, Birches), an excerpt of Poe (Annabell Lee), some Shakespeare (Hamlet's famous soliloquy, with some commentary afterwards by the teacher), and some e.e. cummings.

I'm thinking of doing a few selections of LMB. I'm thinking the disarming of the wineshop raiders from _BiA_, the very short lost chapter of the Black Gang's formation from _MD_, and either part of the bug butter fight (I'm thinking Roic's entrance here) from _ACC_, or else the love letter.

Between classes, found Dawn. Got hugs. Bitched about Votania's mom's worse aspects, and expounded on the relationship between the Capulet and Montague families. Votania's mom is in her sweet control freak aspect now, which is half a relief to me, but the other half of me is hoping that she'll leave Votania enough space in which to recover...

Database class. Was late, but needed the hugs. Went over ERD's. Much bewailing of weak entities occurred.

Now:

Waiting for English class, catching up on friends list and e-mail.

Silly songs

You know that childhood classic, "There's a Hole at the Bottom of the Sea"? Well, this morning, my brain's been singing a variant on it. My eye happened to be caught, this morning, by my post on the local characters, and thus, I have been singing to myself, and passed on to Neighbor":

( perhaps not for work )

Neighbor is choosing to be amused, as it's the sort of song that really sticks in the brain. He's planning to pass it on to someone else, as a "favor" to them.

Perhaps it shouldn't be so funny, but this is Phoenix, and it is. I guess that I, and probably Votania as well, would be less likely to eep and giggle in a somewhat condescending way if the profession were legal, as it should be, and with safety inspections and regulations just like any other personal service.

Great-Aunt Milly

I met my Great-Uncle Bob and my Great-Aunt Milly this summer when I went on vacation to Iowa with Aunt-Fayoumis.

Aunt Milly died September 4th. She had cancer, and was growing more and more ill. She got very sick the preceding Thursday, but was able to stay home until the day before she died; she spent her last day at the local Hospice.

Aunt-Fayoumis will miss her far more than I will, since I barely knew her, just the few days.

Blessed be, Aunt Milly.

Woops

It's a fair measure of my mental state, and my physical state as well, that I'm feeling hyper, and have perpetrated two errors in hyperlinking within the last hour. Both have been corrected.

I'm still a little panicky and a little shocky.

Hungry!

Came home from English class. Everyone wishes Votania a speedy recovery. According to the message her mom left, she's feeling much her usual self, and is demanding clothing other than the damn hospital gowns.

She also said that the Philly cheese steak and fries in the fridge should be mine. Therefore, I am eating them, as I haven't eaten since the evil chocolate stuff at breakfast (I did put a serving of the protein-supplement in there; I knew my meal schedule would be wonky), and had two slim-fasts and a handful of crackers yesterday (I was too stressed to eat). Is it very much too awkwardly sentimental to kiss the symbol of one's absent roommate?

Her dad's here, and as soon as I've gotten everything together, we pick up the kid, and head over to visit Votania.

(no subject)

purse
outfit: sweatpants, tshirt, sandals, underwear
outfits for nephew
socks underwear, shorts, shirt, pokemon vitamins

Back.

Visited Votania in the hospital. She's still weak; collapsing like that really takes it out of you. Evidently it was work that was stressing her out the most.

Needless to say, she's getting a new job as soon as she's well enough to be up and about again.

Grandma and Grandpa are on the pickup lists for school and daycare, so they'll be doing that. I packed him up two more outfits and his Pokémon vitamins. Votania and hospital gowns don't do well together at all. Hopefully she'll be out of ICU soon.

She's doing fine, though, and is happy to hear that people send her hugs, etc. I didn't tell her the jokes yet; we were too busy catching each other up on school and so forth. Nephew's grounded from hitting games for a week because he hit someone who wasn't in a hitting game. The other kid hit first, of course.

Bleh. I still feel too full. I guess not eating much for two days shrinks your stomach.

Dinner, balance

Eating crackers with cheese. Well, snacky-crackerish things with spray cheese; does that count? I think it does. I'm not concerned that it's too much whatever, since I haven't eaten official dinner yet, and that counts. I need to remember to eat when stressed out. Must remember that.

Still a little out of it. Darkside sensed how very much not-right I was this morning, and allowed me to clasp his wrist when I felt I needed to. I needed to, a lot.

Darkside, balance.

Darkside sensed how very much not-right I was this morning, and allowed me to clasp his wrist when I felt I needed to. I needed to, a lot.

We've been working, he and I, on defining mutually acceptable boundaries, especially regarding physical contact. I doubt, if asked, that he'd phrase it that way, but that's what it is. Hugging shall be rare; sparring shall be according to the moods of both individuals and what they're currently busy with and what they're currently wearing; reach-out-and-touch is for shoulder, arm, especially forearm. Touching of the face, rare; touching of the hair, discouraged for me to do, permissable for him. Kiss: no. Bite: don't even try it. (Interestingly enough, I'm certain that a symbolic bite is more allowable than a symbolic kiss.)

Touching is to be limited; touch too often and there is discomfort. This clause of the rules is the most difficult to pin down. If Darkside's in a grumpy mood, there is little physical contact. If I am upset, he generally allows my sense of propriety as well as the ground rules to determine the level of physical contact. If I am too withdrawn to reach for him, he will initiate physical contact; it is up to me to maintain it, and determine when I no longer need a friendly hand. When we're both happy and silly, bystanders occasionally inquire after our health and continued functioning, because it occasionally looks like we're about to kill each other, in the most friendly way.

Blows:
Leg (away from genital area)
Kick Ass (occasional, playful)
Torso (he attempts to evade hitting my breasts)
Neck Nerve Pinch (also a non-combatative touch when no pressure or minimal pressure is applied; it counts as a shoulder-touch)
Strangle (hands around throat)
Strangle (arm around throat: rare, only when playful)
Bonk (head)
Mercy
Arm-Wrestling
assorted nerve pinches (the current favorite is on the inside of the upper arm between the two major muscles)
Upper-arm punch (used as punctuation as well as combative)

Most of the above attacks are only used when in a playful mood. The head-bonk is a classic way of bringing me back from a depression, however, and the upper-arm punch is often employed by me as a response to a bad pun. The low-pressure neck nerve pinch is a sign of affection from me, and is an acceptable substitute for hug or kiss.

Not surprisingly...

... the immediate "in love" feelings for Votania have simmered back down to a comfortable "if ever she decides she is interested, she has but to say the word", and "I could spend the rest of my life happily keeping house with this woman", just like it was before.

I have a strong probably-more-than-suspicion that the "in love" part of the feeling stemmed from my perception of her rising stress level, or something more esoteric, clueing me in that I needed to be very much attached to her, Right Now.

And sure enough, the stress level got past that threshold level, and that's when body and mind decided to say, "OK, enough of the bullshit; you are realizing just how damn bad that job is if we have to put you in the hospital to make you realize it."

This is not the first person I've seen writhe and thrash and have madly flailing eyes and unsafely unsteady breathing when the pressure of the mind builds too high to be withstood. Those times, though, it was crystal clear to all spotters involved, the nature of the cause, and the nature of the mind-trip, and that hospital-standard modern medicine would be less than clueless about the cause, or the fix of it, until the patient came to, and by that point, everything would be fine -- or the patient wouldn't come to, with soul and body dissociated. I'd never dealt with that before; left to my own devices, unknowing of the history, I might have called 911 as well, and been perfectly justified.

From what I heard, though, this time was a much scarier episode, with body and mind overstressed, a war between a strong sense of duty and a stronger sense of self-preservation (that job would drive anyone insane!), a war using the body and mind as battleground, with all the stresses of the past gods-know-how-long used as ammunition. This time, it was beyond local expertise.

We hung on to her. Marx was there the whole time; he hung on hardest. I got there late: reinforcements, I suppose. Precisely on time? We hung on, and she came back, and she's back, and we're so glad.

I still, of course, love her. A lot. Not surprising, as she's Inner Circle. I love my parents a lot, too. Except, with my parents, I don't leave the option for "more than friends" open on my side. Not going to happen, of course: she's straight, and that's not one of those rules that has many exceptions, and I doubt I'd be that exception for her. Don't know if there's a woman born who'd be that exception. I don't mind. We're sisterfriends, and that's excellent, now that body and mind have made their point.

(no subject)

And I hope they're right, and I'm right, and it was just the stress/overwork/exhaustion catching up, and not something less diagnosible and more deadly. They did a brain scan, and that looked fine. It shouldn't be anything more. Gods, I hope not.

Before I forget

I trimmed the split ends of my hair. Feels much nicer; will look much better. This may cut down on my Hermione-hair mornings.