Notes: chat with the Viking = reflections on myself at sixteen:

Some events shift your perceptions so drastically that you must re-perceive everything again. Disorienting as hell.

When I was seven or eight or so, my body switched sensations on me for "You need to pee". Confused me at first, and weirded me out. I think that has to be one of the single weirdest things that has ever happened to me, mentally or physically. Whenever it was, we were in the new house, and we had the blue couch.

I had to rebuild some of my mind after Shawn helped me total it. Does it still count as an acid trip of your own if someone else has actually taken the drug and is dragging you along with him on his trip?

I've finally come up with a physical model for Simon, and one for Cordelia as well. From _TVG_, Simon is "slight, bland, ... brown hair greying at the temples". Now who do I know who is slight, does a very, very good bland to most people, and could be considered to have brown hair? Hmm. I think I'll be seeing someone very close to that description tomorrow morning... From the same book, Cordelia obviously has the red hair, and is "grey-eyed, striking, her pale face seemed so alive with flickering thought one scarcely noticed she was not beautiful." Not sure about the grey-eyed part, of course, but iroshi just might fit. I could paint her as Cordelia, based on that photo.

Every time my personalities shift, I have to run around inside my head, figuring out where everything goes. I am reminded that I must now redefine for myself the varying types of love. Since the only possible method to do that is observation, I must observe one person who I am in love with, and one person who I am not in love with, starting there, and write down the differences in my attitude toward, feelings about, permissions, communication with, et cetera. Then I shall move on to more tricky cases, and see what patterns emerge.

One really can't get anywhere complex if one must keep reworking these things for oneself on a continuous basis. I have patience, though. If I can progress this far from sixteen, where will I be if I take care to ease my senses into new areas of perception, without the jolting disjoint of trauma?

Glad I have people to talk to on this, and things like this. Don't know where I'd be if I had only myself to depend on. I've tried being an island; we partitioned it off into four sections, and sometimes cooperated. Most of the time, actually, except we had to keep that little silly Joan(prime) from realizing how depressed she was, while still realizing that she was prone to depression. I was only able to regroup when I had others to talk to who I could talk to about anything.

What do you get when you isolate an extrovert? A whole lot of her.

Ooooh.

Nature of happiness. Rant. Yum.

Must respond to this when I get the time and brain.

(no subject)

274. Slowly but surely.

Had delightful happy flirtydream between midnight & 2:30. I think it was iroshi who I was flirting with, because it didn't feel like votania.

I've been waking up earlier and earlier.

Darkside

Morning contained two of those, "Ummm..." moments.

Moment number one: I was talking with Darkside about some things he could put in his paper about the advantages of airplanes, and mentioned the opening of the Alaskan Bush. Darkside snickered. "Wasn't that Shawn's job?" he asked.

I strangled him mildly, then said, "Actually... I shave."


Moment number two: Darkside and I were talking, and he pointed out that I might want to retrieve my necklace from between "those". Long necklace does get caught in cleavage...

(no subject)

I am now giggly. Darkside does not know what is up with that.

I have the suspicion that it's because he's undeniably cute.

He and I were talking about alcohol, and its effects on the uninitiated. He is curious, and would like to sometime try it in the privacy of his own home with recovery time.

He also shaved.

He is wearing a white kitchen uniform that shows off his equipment package very well, especially when he's seated. He has been checking out my cleavage.

I am giggly. Just ask ralmathon.

More innuendo

"Are you sure?" Darkside asked me.
"Yes."
"Positive?"
"Yes."
"Are you a cathode ray tube?"
"Yes."
"If you were a cathode ray tube, what part of you would be the emitters?"
I reached over and wrapped my hands around his neck.
"Hey!" he protested. "That was a legitimate question!"

Riiiight. Three shots of innuendo in one day? Right. This is definitely a coincidence.

Hypoglycemia?

I should really get screened for this at some point or other, since my mother has problems that aren't quite hypoglycemia, and I seem to take after her in that whenever I don't eat, I get horribly, terribly, insanely grouchy, bitchy, irrational, and agorophobic until I do get something to eat.

Votania recognizes these symptoms from when her diabetic father is getting low blood sugar.

Happy.

I woke up at two-something this morning, completely happy. I was warm enough. I was well-fed. I was snuggled up in a nice blanket. I was loved, or at least had been in the dream. I'm trying to remember where and when I've ever been so happy before; the only responses that are coming back involve snuggling next to Darkside on the couch (only that had a lot more UST), and pre-party for one of my family's delightful Winter Solstice parties. There have been family moments with Neighbor and Votania, and every now and then with digitalambience, but ....

...this felt like home.

I miss it.

Kid news

Nephew lost his first tooth: one of the bottom ones. He says it was in an apple. He's excited to put it under the black pillow at night.

Oh, and yeah.

Welcome to all the people who have added me in the past bit. I'm rather stunned that approximately 93 people (well, somewhat fewer, as two are novels, at least one is fictional, and three of them are the same person) are reading my journal.

( For your amusement, the LJ quiz, probably more about my LJ life than you want to read )

(no subject)

Watched The Crow. Mmm. Gooooood movie.

memories

It's obviously the universe's week to be reminding me of Shawn. The soundtrack from The Crow is one of the discs we'd play in his car. That and Blade and Fight the Future...

Brings back memories of summer 1998. Golden summer. Crisp blue sky. Dorm in the fall. Beautiful.