Crash

My blood sugar did that thing again. Ate turkey. Feel much better.

All I ever talk about

I'm one of those freaks of nature, not easily classifiable. I need at least two friends: one to be madly in love with, and one to babble endlessly about said beloved to.

I'm one of those scary all-or-nothing Geminis.

I'm feeling increasingly claustrophobic. I feel as if I can't be myself without stepping on someone's toes. So I retreat, and leave myself in my space, and keep my own hours, and isolate myself.

Which increases my madness.

I feel like I'm going to have to leave, if this keeps up, because I just can't take it. I don't know what I can do. I don't want to leave. This is my home. I'm panicking now, on the verge of tears, verge of hyperventilation. It's too late. I'm not thinking straight. But this thought has been an undercurrent in my mind: leave. Leave. Leave. Leave. Leave before it's too late. Leave before you have to die. Leave before you go somewhere Darkside can't follow.

My entries cycle between sane and not, proportional to the hour of the day. I know this. I know this. Was there ever a time, though, that late-night was comfort, strength, creativity, not fear and terror?

We've all been stepping on each other's toes, lately.

I'm terrified. Terrified of what I might do to them, with careless words, terrified of what I might do to myself upon hearing careless words.

I'm not safe anymore.

Perhaps I never was.

(no subject)

yes, Darkside. I'm staying. You can follow me anywhere I'll go. I'm staying.

Trigger?

All I ever talk about is Darkside.

This is, unfortunately, still a sore subject with Votania.

The combination makes both of us feel horrible.

Oooh yum.

Fic rec: Pawn to Queen, WIP, strong deliberate homage to Cyteen, Harry Potter fic, Hermione/Severus.

(no subject)

Have found, to my complete bogglement, another someone who's got some of the personality traits that Darkside and I share. Have been learning quickly that I can sort out self in Darkside's absence, and the important thing from said self-sorting is that I keep him appraised of the progress, rather than him actually being an active participant. He just makes me face up to myself, is all, where others of my friends may be too gentle in the name of kindness.

Tradition-forming: Interest Log

For the mutable personality or persona, which I may be, I shall begin caching my LJ interests upon changing them, to track what I found key when.

( Baseline )

"Industrial Secret" by Gavin Gunhold

The oil companies don't want you to know
That the average car will run on
Consomme,
If you can figure out a way
To get the parsley out of the carburetor.

strega

Oooooooh.

"Strega... knows things. She believes in herself, because she's found out that she's right a lot. She decided, at some point, that being what she is is more important than belonging with other people. She walks her own path."

...

"Are--- is there such a thing as male strega?" Ginny asked.

Blaise shook her head, amused. "It's only witches. Don't know why--- there's a lot of explanations for it---" she held up a hand, ticking them off on long white fingers. "The religious types say it's because witches are closer to the goddess, the spiritual ones think it has something to do with the life force, the medical or scientific thinkers---" she giggled--- "sort of agree with the spiritualists, they think it's got something to do with hormones and the ability to have babies. The social and psychological theorists--- they're the ones that make the most sense to me--- say it has to do with cultural stuff, with what Carol Gilligan--- she's a Muggle psychologist--- calls 'loss of voice', where girls in adolescence stop listening to themselves and speaking their own minds in order to be accepted, because there's all this cultural pressure to be nice and sweet and take care of other people and not threaten your boyfriend's masculinity by beating him at something." Florian snorted. "So with all that pressure, for a witch to overcome that, she has to be really powerful, mentally I mean--- really tough inside. Add in the magic and you've got a force to be reckoned with."

...

"Okay, easy example--- what it 'means' is what I just did with Cho out there--- strega has a force of will that can make other people back down. When she knows something--- and I know Harry didn't kill Diggory--- other people stand aside."


from Pawn to Queen

We may have one or two of those, or at least, in-training, around the place here...

...

That is what Darkside pushes me towards. Not towards him. Not towards love. Towards myself.

...I hope I do the same for him.

I've been a cripple long enough. Time I stopped bowing down that brilliant man's shoulder by leaning on it, and time to dance as I ought.

(no subject)

He's letting me in.

I can be allowed inside his family, or that's the way he's starting to speak. I noticed that today, when we talked, and he mentioned his father, Darkside called his father "Father", not spoke of him as "my father".

Subtle, but important.

Occult resource

This looks like a good site.

Hair

Went and paid rent. Saw digitalambience in there, with his roommate, and some older lady -- his mom?

Janie noticed that my hair's been getting long, and that it curls. Yeah, it's natural, all natural. Though some of the color isn't.

w00t for geeks-in-training

Nephew has his own e-mail address now, so he can send letters to Grandma and get e-cards from her. His reading level is not particularly high at the moment, but he's getting better every day. He can read his own name, and can make most letter-sounds, and can write his own name, and type it. (He types better than he writes, of course.)

More w00t: wrist brace

I've been having trouble with my left wrist for some time, and it's directly related to mouse action. Today I finally broke down and got myself a wrist brace.

My wrist feels amazingly better.

Rule of Decoration:

Unless you wind up with a smear of glitter on your nose and no real knowledge of the exact way it got there, you haven't been doing it enthusiastically enough. Or you don't have anything with glitter on it, which is a real waste.