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Dec. 25th, 2002
For great justice...
Dec. 25th, 2002 01:18 amFor Airport Security's amusement and edification, I'm bringing along a personal item that I might otherwise have left at home. It's a delightful small "personal massager", of the sort that takes one AA battery. "Pocket Rocket" might be the brand, or it might be a clone.
In any case, it's in a clear plastic baggie, for convenience of inspection.
In any case, it's in a clear plastic baggie, for convenience of inspection.
(no subject)
Dec. 25th, 2002 01:41 am...I miss Darkside already. ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
yaksha42 isn't around either, but he hasn't become the sort of presence in my life that touches me at every turn...
...Darkside knows me, psychologically, inside and out. It's so relaxing, refreshing, to spend time with someone where you don't have to expend the energy to put up masks, or to worry about how they're going to take this or that socially iffy bit of personal information when they stumble across it. I don't have to guard myself from him, for fear he'll hurt me, or for fear he'll use something the wrong way, make the wrong reference at the wrong time. Most people, I don't know whether they'll harm me or not, even those close to me. Even unknowing, I trust that when either of us slips up around the other, and says the wrong thing, which we will and we do, we will sit down right then and there and make it right, and hug each other better.
I still wear masks around him. I think I wear masks around everyone. I know I do. Around him, though, I know that if he reached out and took the mask off me, I'd let it come off in his hand, let him see me underneath. I know that the mask is there to let us not touch the wrong thing by accident, so we can play a little rougher. Protective gear, donned knowingly for a mutually enjoyed sport, rather than armor for war.
'Intimacy is meaningless without barriers to overcome.'
He still wears heavy ceremonial armor near me, but he's taken off a few of the pieces, which is more than he does for anyone else outside the family. I think most of my friends list would have a hard time reconciling the man they would know if they worked with him or went to school with him, cold, prickly, quiet and closed, with the man I know, warm and laughing, gentle and open and caring.
He's glad that I don't yet know how to send bonk over the phone, nor get it through his shields.
There's nothing that compares well to the sensation of being carefully, gently, held in his warm regard. He can see to, through, the darkness, the hyperactivity, the stress, all my negatives as well as my positives, and he cares all the same. He delights in my company. Little by little, he unfolds to me, as I have to him, and I smile and accept him, bad points as well as good, for that is who he is. My mind enfolds him as he enfolds me.
yaksha42 isn't around either, but he hasn't become the sort of presence in my life that touches me at every turn... ...Darkside knows me, psychologically, inside and out. It's so relaxing, refreshing, to spend time with someone where you don't have to expend the energy to put up masks, or to worry about how they're going to take this or that socially iffy bit of personal information when they stumble across it. I don't have to guard myself from him, for fear he'll hurt me, or for fear he'll use something the wrong way, make the wrong reference at the wrong time. Most people, I don't know whether they'll harm me or not, even those close to me. Even unknowing, I trust that when either of us slips up around the other, and says the wrong thing, which we will and we do, we will sit down right then and there and make it right, and hug each other better.
I still wear masks around him. I think I wear masks around everyone. I know I do. Around him, though, I know that if he reached out and took the mask off me, I'd let it come off in his hand, let him see me underneath. I know that the mask is there to let us not touch the wrong thing by accident, so we can play a little rougher. Protective gear, donned knowingly for a mutually enjoyed sport, rather than armor for war.
'Intimacy is meaningless without barriers to overcome.'
He still wears heavy ceremonial armor near me, but he's taken off a few of the pieces, which is more than he does for anyone else outside the family. I think most of my friends list would have a hard time reconciling the man they would know if they worked with him or went to school with him, cold, prickly, quiet and closed, with the man I know, warm and laughing, gentle and open and caring.
He's glad that I don't yet know how to send bonk over the phone, nor get it through his shields.
There's nothing that compares well to the sensation of being carefully, gently, held in his warm regard. He can see to, through, the darkness, the hyperactivity, the stress, all my negatives as well as my positives, and he cares all the same. He delights in my company. Little by little, he unfolds to me, as I have to him, and I smile and accept him, bad points as well as good, for that is who he is. My mind enfolds him as he enfolds me.
General note: Darkside and I are not, and have never been, sexually active with each other. It is, in fact, a major sticking point of our friendship. I want him; he expresses clear and polite disinterest in me.
Somehow, though, we manage to keep the friendship.
His next girlfriend will have a lot to live up to, for he'll be comparing their friendship to ours.
Somehow, though, we manage to keep the friendship.
His next girlfriend will have a lot to live up to, for he'll be comparing their friendship to ours.
Ooooh, hisssss.
Dec. 25th, 2002 01:46 amThe orange-underlined links on Enki, in LJ?
those are the result of fucking spyware.
Fuckity-fuck-fuck.
Bloody fuckheads.
I want to kill something now.
those are the result of fucking spyware.
Fuckity-fuck-fuck.
Bloody fuckheads.
I want to kill something now.
It's almost eight on christmas morning, and I'm the only one awake! How can this be?
I had a relatively peaceful night, though I did inadvertently flash Votania when her insomnia kicked in after I was about ready to go to bed.
Now, we sit and wait for her father to arrive to take us to the Party of Doom!
I had a relatively peaceful night, though I did inadvertently flash Votania when her insomnia kicked in after I was about ready to go to bed.
Now, we sit and wait for her father to arrive to take us to the Party of Doom!
Poorly-written smut.
I want PLOT, dammit!
I want PLOT, dammit!
I go bye-bye for the day...
Dec. 25th, 2002 09:02 am...The morning is not my time.
I think I'm going to find a very small corner with a lot of ice. I didn't get enough sleep (I tried, though!) and my shields are waaaaay down.
I don't know if I can deal with people who don't talk to computers.
I think I'm going to find a very small corner with a lot of ice. I didn't get enough sleep (I tried, though!) and my shields are waaaaay down.
I don't know if I can deal with people who don't talk to computers.
Hell, going to
Dec. 25th, 2002 09:33 amI told some happy "helpful" spyware to go to hell, and that I didn't recall giving permission for them to install their crud on my system. This was when I clicked the "Please uninstall this" button, and it redirected my browser to their site, with the helpful feedback form. No thanks. I don't want your lookups on my browser, and you can just bite yourselves.
Bah.
This is really putting me in the appropriate seasonal mood, y'know? The cat discovered the tape in the wrapping paper, and was none too thrilled with getting some on his paw.
Bah.
This is really putting me in the appropriate seasonal mood, y'know? The cat discovered the tape in the wrapping paper, and was none too thrilled with getting some on his paw.
Back, by all the gods, and safe!
Dec. 25th, 2002 06:18 pmWent to votania's mother's house. I must say, a far more enjoyable holiday experience than most of mine there have been.
I think the most tense moment was when the new dog, Buddy, who's not quite yet a year old, decided to get it on withmarxdarx's leg. There was, of course, the expected amount of laughter, at the situation and at his reaction: "Auugh! Get away!" but when Great-Grandma declared that if the dog did this again, she'd want to kick it, there was the usual mother/daughter sniping between her and Votania's mom.
The lunch was the main meal, and good. Roast beef, turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, yams, rice... all manner of good things, and not a bit of pork in sight. Amazing!
Glyph and the girls showed up at the beginning of the lunch. Glyph and That Woman seem to be separated, but he's at least back on the scene now, which is reassuring. Jewel gave me big hugs, and helped me bead on the ritual shirt I'm making. I seem to be gifted with at least a little of the mommy instinct, because noises from the kitchen send me running to see what the clatter with the children is.
The girls still give the attention-starved clinging hugs. I told Jewel that she was a tough girl and she could make it, without even hearing what it is that's happening this time.
When Great-Grandma got tired and wanted to go home a little before four, I tagged along, and got dropped off back here.
It's good to be home.
votania's mother's house. I must say, a far more enjoyable holiday experience than most of mine there have been. I think the most tense moment was when the new dog, Buddy, who's not quite yet a year old, decided to get it on with
marxdarx's leg. There was, of course, the expected amount of laughter, at the situation and at his reaction: "Auugh! Get away!" but when Great-Grandma declared that if the dog did this again, she'd want to kick it, there was the usual mother/daughter sniping between her and Votania's mom. The lunch was the main meal, and good. Roast beef, turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, yams, rice... all manner of good things, and not a bit of pork in sight. Amazing!
Glyph and the girls showed up at the beginning of the lunch. Glyph and That Woman seem to be separated, but he's at least back on the scene now, which is reassuring. Jewel gave me big hugs, and helped me bead on the ritual shirt I'm making. I seem to be gifted with at least a little of the mommy instinct, because noises from the kitchen send me running to see what the clatter with the children is.
The girls still give the attention-starved clinging hugs. I told Jewel that she was a tough girl and she could make it, without even hearing what it is that's happening this time.
When Great-Grandma got tired and wanted to go home a little before four, I tagged along, and got dropped off back here.
It's good to be home.
Called Darkside to see how his day went. He saw the LotR movie again.
They were putting a thousand-piece puzzle together when I called. I got to hear his family being goofy together. And happy. I like happy.
I inquired about the present. He said that as soon as the photo is developed, his parents will mail it to me. Something about opening a pair of black silky dragon boxers does some odd things to one's facial expression, and his parents captured it on film.
There was much silliness.
I hope to see him in January.
They were putting a thousand-piece puzzle together when I called. I got to hear his family being goofy together. And happy. I like happy.
I inquired about the present. He said that as soon as the photo is developed, his parents will mail it to me. Something about opening a pair of black silky dragon boxers does some odd things to one's facial expression, and his parents captured it on film.
There was much silliness.
I hope to see him in January.
Conspiracy
Dec. 25th, 2002 07:19 pmI'm evidently in trouble with Darkside. He thinks that his mother and I should never conspire again.
Evidently, if it had been Sailor Moon boxers that he'd opened, he would have burned them on the spot.
I asked if he'd model the dragon boxers. That got a resounding negative.
Much, much silliness. He made noise around my meeting his mother, not the "you should", but the "if you ever get the chance to", that was not the "I do not think you should ever".
Evidently, if it had been Sailor Moon boxers that he'd opened, he would have burned them on the spot.
I asked if he'd model the dragon boxers. That got a resounding negative.
Much, much silliness. He made noise around my meeting his mother, not the "you should", but the "if you ever get the chance to", that was not the "I do not think you should ever".
I love you.
Dec. 25th, 2002 10:29 pmBefore I go to bed I must, in case it may be my last entry, post this declaration yet again. May it not be my last words, but stranger things have happened:
Again I pour myself out before you, my beloved. I do not love you because I can pretend you are perfect: I love you because I can know that you are as human as I, that you are as imperfect as I, that you know that I am human. You, of all, see me. You, of all, I allow to see me. You, I trust to see me. You, I hope to be allowed and trusted to someday see...
I have told you my Name. I told you that you were the first, the only, that I had given my Name to. You offered to forget. I beg, do not do that, beloved. I tell you my Name; I give to you that Word, to hold and cherish if thou wilt. In a dream I had of us both, a dream that may have rung high and true, you told me yours. I cannot remember the Word, from the dream, but I remember the Sound: a low, glorious, triumphant sound: a gong, a shout, a cry of rage and victory and pain and love. That is ever your Name, my love. The light falls bright and crisp through the darkness to shine upon you: light from a thousand stars kisses your skin, as your own heart-fire burns steadfast within. The cracks in that rock that shelters your Fire have fused, some.
My love has been thine, ever since that first day we joined hands and Powers, and my love for thee continues...
Again I pour myself out before you, my beloved. I do not love you because I can pretend you are perfect: I love you because I can know that you are as human as I, that you are as imperfect as I, that you know that I am human. You, of all, see me. You, of all, I allow to see me. You, I trust to see me. You, I hope to be allowed and trusted to someday see...
I have told you my Name. I told you that you were the first, the only, that I had given my Name to. You offered to forget. I beg, do not do that, beloved. I tell you my Name; I give to you that Word, to hold and cherish if thou wilt. In a dream I had of us both, a dream that may have rung high and true, you told me yours. I cannot remember the Word, from the dream, but I remember the Sound: a low, glorious, triumphant sound: a gong, a shout, a cry of rage and victory and pain and love. That is ever your Name, my love. The light falls bright and crisp through the darkness to shine upon you: light from a thousand stars kisses your skin, as your own heart-fire burns steadfast within. The cracks in that rock that shelters your Fire have fused, some.
My love has been thine, ever since that first day we joined hands and Powers, and my love for thee continues...