Conditional Love

The other night I informed my partner that my love, like their cat's, was conditional -- but similarly, the anticonditions are pretty specific.

Their cat, obviously, requires that there be sufficient food, water, and affection, with a regularly scooped box.

I require a continued lack of going into hateful conspiracies and ideologies.

(Which is extremely unlikely for them: the one time I sucked air in through my teeth and went "UM!" was a time they hadn't been aware of a harmful trope, and had unthinkingly replicated it while coming from a place of wanting to respect and acknowledge the achievements of someone who had done something noteworthy and empathic. Upon requesting that they think through it again with the new information, they were similarly appalled.)

Conditional, you see.

♥

Ritalin o'clock

Day -1: Tuesday the 6th. Dr. O. appointment. He heard my experience discontinuing Strattera and was impressed that I'd a) recognized that I was not going to be good to drive while having that level of brain zap, and b) split the powder to keep tapering. Ritalin was next on the list to try, so I get to try it for a month, and will call to talk to someone else in the office if I need any doctor action before he returns from vacation. Dose: 10mg, 5mg before breakfast and the second 5mg before lunch.

Day 0: Wednesday the 7th, last appointment with my old therapist. I got the notification at 3:10-ish, the appointment was 4. I got out the door to the pharmacy within 10 minutes, and had enough time to spare before the appointment that I decided to try out the frozen yogurt place at the other shopping center. I had a nice conversation with the clerk on duty, who liked my necklace but couldn't wear his. The appointment with my old therapist didn't happen; I guess that's one of the things that sometimes happens. Disappointed but not Emotionally Compromised.

Day 1: Thursday the 8th, where I had not checked the calendar adequately and was still putting on clothes when Alex's appointment check-in time was. We got there within 5 minutes of the actual appointment. It took the entire drive on hold to reach a person on the phone to say "BTW, running late". While waiting in the parking lot, I took my first pill, with a chocolate caramel so I wouldn't be taking it on a completely empty stomach. It tasted bitter, but a friendly bitter like coffee, not a potentially poisonous bitter like a lot of hard-to-swallow pills. Within the first 15-20 minutes of taking it, I felt an also coffee-like sense of well-being in my intestines, which I usually associate with the physical warmth of the coffee. It was warm and relaxing, and I felt like I could nap, but no actual sleep pressure. Just took the one, because "breakfast" there was in the afternoon. Upon getting home, I made one obnoxious call after I finished an actual meal, and made 3 others shortly afterwards in the course of updating a household document. Had to drink some carbonated beverage in the evening to make my insides feel ok around about the time it wore off. In the evening I also realized that I wouldn't be able to do the things I wanted to do before bedtime, and left myself two checklist items.

Day 2: Friday the 9th. Took it on an empty stomach and tried to fall back asleep. Didn't. No feeling of well-being this time, but did knock out the two checklist items before the reminders fired. Had a bath, with bath-snacks. Needed carbonated beverage. (Hmm.)

Day 3: Saturday the 10th, day before Librarians' Friendsgiving. All the shopping. Took it without food in the morning-ish, was well-powered through the entire multi-hour trip. (Belovedest started to fade partway through.) Got a carbonated beverage on the Dollar Tree step. Powered through Safeway quickly, without going down all the aisles. Got ginger ale, because now we both seem to need it. Got some in tiny bottles, of a size to carry in my medical addendum bag. Put together the cheese plate and a detailed checklist

Day 4: Sunday the 11th, Librarians' Friendsgiving. Took it around 8:30, went back to sleep, woke up around 10, left only 15 minutes later than originally planned.

The maps steered us around a fuel spill that blocked the entire northbound direction of the highway we would have otherwise used. We rerouted and found a dollar store to get the rest of the serving implements that I wanted for the occasion. (We already had the cheese plate, but we needed some more things like serving tongs, cracker trays, salad tongs, and something that wasn't a plastic bag to serve the blueberries and orange slices.) Unfortunately J&P got caught in the highway closure and spent 3 hours in the car instead of the expected <1. Cheese and crackers sustained us until they arrived. I broke out my crocheting; M broke out her knitting. Her sister's name is the same (roughly) as Mama's.

I took a second one before the feast. I may have had a small reaction, but that might also have been the coffee that was breakfast.

Day 5: Monday the 12th, today. Deliberately declined to take a morning pill, slept in, and took one at lunchtime. "Breakfast" was a little patchy due to wearing a mask.