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May. 17th, 1997 08:27 amSaturday, May 17, 1997 08:27
JoshC may actually have more of a chance than he thought he did. If he can prove to me that he is the better man, then he won’t have to worry about Shawn anymore. However, I am more inclined to polyamory than JoshC would like, I fear. So that would be a problem … and the gods know that I don’t want to have a huge relationshipoid problem with JoshC, simply because my belief system allows for polyamory and his doesn’t.
Tried calling Shawn for some helpful ideas on the story. Guess who hung up on me. Ow. Still in pain. I don’t need to cry anymore, but the possible -- hell, probable -- loss of his friendship really, really, really hits me hard where I live. Why did I have to do something so fucking stupid? I’m not going to let Danielle out for a long time until she can prove to us that she can turn over a situation that needs maturity to one of us to handle ... oh gods, Shawn ... what can I say? Fuck. Fuck. I didn’t mean to ... I didn’t think and I hope you can forgive me ... I’m more forgiving than you are. Gods know I wouldn’t forgive you. Not immediately, at least. Gods, the summer stretches before me and I’m not sure I want it. Gods know that the only option that my shadow sees is the only option that my shadow ever sees. I, as me, don’t want the option, not just yet, anyway. There is life after half of it is gone because I shot myself in the foot. Gods know I love life. Gods know I don’t love the reality of the better half being gone. Maybe I should just shoot myself. No, save that for after there’s really nothing left. Immediacy is not either of our strong points. He would not do anything to sabotage my life directly, just with his absence from it, which is sabotage enough. I could not have killed myself more effectively if I’d tried.
Fuck.
Ow.
Forgive me, dear Goddess, because I can’t forgive myself, and I don’t think Shawn can either. His temper is so much like mine at times. Gods, Shawn, I didn’t mean to hurt you ... and to injure your precarious dignity in front of everybody ... I couldn’t have hurt you much more if I’d tried. Shit.
JoshC may actually have more of a chance than he thought he did. If he can prove to me that he is the better man, then he won’t have to worry about Shawn anymore. However, I am more inclined to polyamory than JoshC would like, I fear. So that would be a problem … and the gods know that I don’t want to have a huge relationshipoid problem with JoshC, simply because my belief system allows for polyamory and his doesn’t.
Tried calling Shawn for some helpful ideas on the story. Guess who hung up on me. Ow. Still in pain. I don’t need to cry anymore, but the possible -- hell, probable -- loss of his friendship really, really, really hits me hard where I live. Why did I have to do something so fucking stupid? I’m not going to let Danielle out for a long time until she can prove to us that she can turn over a situation that needs maturity to one of us to handle ... oh gods, Shawn ... what can I say? Fuck. Fuck. I didn’t mean to ... I didn’t think and I hope you can forgive me ... I’m more forgiving than you are. Gods know I wouldn’t forgive you. Not immediately, at least. Gods, the summer stretches before me and I’m not sure I want it. Gods know that the only option that my shadow sees is the only option that my shadow ever sees. I, as me, don’t want the option, not just yet, anyway. There is life after half of it is gone because I shot myself in the foot. Gods know I love life. Gods know I don’t love the reality of the better half being gone. Maybe I should just shoot myself. No, save that for after there’s really nothing left. Immediacy is not either of our strong points. He would not do anything to sabotage my life directly, just with his absence from it, which is sabotage enough. I could not have killed myself more effectively if I’d tried.
Fuck.
Ow.
Forgive me, dear Goddess, because I can’t forgive myself, and I don’t think Shawn can either. His temper is so much like mine at times. Gods, Shawn, I didn’t mean to hurt you ... and to injure your precarious dignity in front of everybody ... I couldn’t have hurt you much more if I’d tried. Shit.
