Plans for the Bachelor Party (archived)

Hi, Emi, Mommy, Alison!!

I'm having a great time, although I'm wrapped up in more Shawn Things. His Best Man has been half-asleep and incoherent for the past several weeks, so I've taken it upon myself to arrange a bang-up bachelor party for the idiot. (Shawn, not his Best Man Rocki.)

I began my planning a few days ago, assuming that no one else had. Shawn had not even considered the concept the last time I had checked with him. I began planning with my current closest cohort, DC. (She's nice. And she's violent. With a black belt. I
feel safe around her. She trusts me. It's a good deal all around.)

First I mentioned the concept to my mother, in the light of a possible location: did she have any ideas. "Absolutely not! You are not attending, even less planning, a bachelor party! Do you know what *happens* at those? Guys get together to get drunk and ogle women! In *bars*! Or *strip* *clubs*!"

"Mo-THER, we wouldn't go anywhere *near* any sort of place like that! For one, we're all too *young*!"

"Exactly. No daughter of mine is attending any sort of event that even *calls* itself a bachelor party."

"But, MO-ther, I *need* to do this! It's my *duty*!"

"The best man is supposed to do the bachelor party."

"Rocki?!??!"

"Just don't call it a bachelor party. Find some other name for it. Olnes Pond? No, that's too far out. I don't know. Someone's apartm...*No.* Alaskaland?"

"Hmm. I dunno, Mama. Too many people who actively *hate* Shawn are hanging around Alaskaland all the time." I drifted off in a planning sort of funk for the phone.

I called DC. "Hey, DC--how does this sound--you, me, Rocki, Shawn, Shawn's brother Chris, River. Do you know anybody else who gets along with him?"

"What the hell?"

"Bachelor party."

"The Best Man does that."

"Rocki???"

"*Oh.* Where are you going to throw it? River's?"

"Naah; would you believe I was *this* close from getting Mama to allow me to borrow the car *by* *myself* and go over to his house around half-past-midnight the other day? Then she wondered what his mother thought of late-night visitors. I explained carefully the concept of night-shift to her, but still no soap. I wonder if she even does know that all the guys hang out there every night. She -- both of them! -- would *freak* if they knew River and I were practically going out. How 'bout Olnes Pond? We
can make all the racket we want, and we won't have to deal with The Wrath of Geneva if we make noise clear into the morning. River can sneak in, can't he?"

"I 'spose. So what are we going to eat?"

The conversation drifted into a more culinary/practical/transportive mode. Next on the agenda: getting the Bachelor Boy into the works.

"Hello, Milady? It's me, Joanie."

"Oh, hi! How are you doing?"

"Um, good. Enjoying my summer, all that. And planning. Would you know if your son is free on the evenings of either the fifth or the sixth of August?"

"Well, I don't know. He's getting--"

"I was thinking about a quasi-bachelor party for Shawn? Seeing as he's getting married and all? Nothing too horrible --"

"Is Rocki going to be there? I really don't think...I mean, if Rocki's there, then there's going to be alcohol or *something.*"

"No, nothing stronger than coffee. I'll put a leash on Rocki. And since this is going to be pretty tame -- you know, hang out together, just us boys, and razz the groom a little, I was wondering if we could include Chris too? A little brother-brother bonding;
surely Chris is old enough to stay out late if his big brother's there too."

"Well, if you've got a leash on Rocki, which I don't doubt, then that sounds perfectly all right. Speaking of wedding plans, what has Shawn told you so far?"

"Not all that much. The reception's at your house, and they've got the date and the minister set. The church is moving or something?"

"Yes. We don't know where, quite; that information is accurate. And, speaking of the reception, I was wondering if your sister's band would like to play for it?"

"NARCISSA! The Lady J wants to know if the Shamrocks can play for Shawn's WEDDING!"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!"

"Hey, Mama! Are the Shamrocks free on the seventh of August, for Shawn's wedding reception?"

"Hmmm...no, we've got that gig at the fair that day. It was nice of her to ask, though."

"Sorry, no soap. Um...Celtic Confusion???"

"I don't know. Well, I've got a cheese sandwich that's calling my name. Talk to you later?"

"Yeah, bye."

And finally, to make sure that the groom knew of the event. "Shawn?"

"Mlumb?"

"You awake, Shawn? It's me, Joan."

"I am now. Hi. What?"

"Do you have anything planned for the evenings of Thursday, August 5, or Friday, August 6?"

"No; I'm getting married Sat--"

"I know."

"Nothing except probably a bachelor party; why?"

"This is the bachelor party."

"Rocki's planning that."

"I see."

"Was that all?"

"Uh-huh. Talk to you later. Oh, and pick up a damn job application for me! I need to get out of this damn house; my family is driving me nuts."

"Sure thing, Joan. Bye."

"Goodbye."

Then, this morning up on campus, having run into Rocki by design. "Rocki?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have anything planned for Shawn's bachelor party?"

"Um, naah, not really. Go over to Steve's with some of the guys and get drunk. Why?"

"But no real plans."

"Well...no."

"Good."

"Why?"

"Would you terribly mind substituting the plans I've made for the plans you had?"

"Um...no, go ahead."

"Great! So would you say the fifth or the sixth?"

"Uh..."

"I was thinking maybe the fifth, since the sixth is the day before the wedding, and we're going to be out all night, and we want him coherent for the wedding."

"Uh..."

"All right then. And Rocki?"

"Yeah?"

"No booze. No weed. Clean party. Chris is going to be there."

"Aww, I was going to take him out to Steve's and get him roaring --"

"NO."

"Aww. You want it the night before, so he'll hardly be able to stand up at the wedding."

"You're the Best Man. DC, we're *on* for the sixth."

(General cheering, while Rocki looks confused.)


So far the party involves fireworks, a large tub of ice-cream, Shawn's oldest little half-brother, Shawn's ex-girlfriend the amateur exotic dancer (amateur in the "no-money-recieved; does this for fun" sense rather than the more dunning connotation of the word), myself, all of Shawn's remaining friends (we ought to be able to fit them into Rocki's car, the Red Menace, which seats six, more in a pinch), and Shawn himself, all in the middle of a rather chilly and remote lake.

Shawn in the middle of the lake literally. The rest...well, we'll see how well everyone behaves himself. I believe that Mariah and I will be the only genetic-females there. (Casting no aspersions on any of the guests, no of course not...) As this is a bachelor party, our presences are rather anomolous unless explained:

I have always been one of the guys.
DC is the obligatory stripper.

DC will *not* be popping out of the cake.

Of course, we're going to have to make up some excuse for DC's presence. Hm...she was spending the night with me (for gods know what reason), but we got our dates screwed up, and now her parents will be out of town, and the easiest thing to do was just to drag her along...I didn't want to be the only girl...Rocki was mad that River got to drag his girlfriend (!) along and he didn't, so he decided to too...DC needs no excuse, she's just there...something. Ideas?

Oh, and we need menu ideas as well. I recently obtained an aphrodisiac cookbook (the type that lists recipes that are traditionally known to work, not drug-recipies) and we're starting off from that. Chocolate candies, guacamole pizza with basil and rosemary slipped into the crust (rosemary, basil, and avacado are all listed, and Shawn's favorite food is indeed guacamole pizza), and lots of fried chicken. Plus the ice-cream. With toppings.

Our intent, of course, is to return Shawn to Christel in a state of intense sexual frustration. That's what bachelor parties are for, after all.

You know, I think this is going to be fun after all. I have been appointed by DC as the Official Bouncer. If anyone gets an attitude with her, she and I will throw them into the lake until certain libidos cool down. I think we'll include Mountain Dew on the menu. Shawn doesn't need to be a father just yet.

Write back, dammit!

joanie, intensely planning, otherwise intensely bored.