The Lunatic Is In My Head

Had one of those mornings with Darkside where the tension was palpable. Not helped by the arrival of Bald Guy. There was some mutual mouthing-off at, and I stomped out before I said anything worse. An AOTC discussion does not need yelling.

Came back in, cooled down but mute. Fragmenting under stress again. Darkside knows my responses well. We wrote back and forth. Progress was made in the communication thing. He's not very huggy.

Cast of Characters: Old Crew

Old Crew:


marxdarx: An old friend (1987) of Votania's who recently returned from the "people we used to know back when..." limbo and has started hanging out on the weekends, whenever he can make it here from BFE.

HSBF, Shawn: High School Best Friend, an interesting fellow with a knack for pyrotechnics. We've lost touch over the past couple years. He's got a daughter now, and a wife.

DC: an old friend from high school days back at home in Fairbanks. Very much like Sis. Expecting a daughter in June 2002.

Hawk: Votania's late beloved car, a Buick Skyhawk of uncertain age (pretty damn old). Went to the Summerlands in mid 2001.

Ginger: A friend since we were both in the womb. Wildly liberal, politically, environmentally, and socially active. Artistic, brilliant, and somewhat abrasive. Hung out with in the 5th grade a lot.

Galadriel: Friend from the 5th grade. Tiny, pale, delicate, artistic, beautiful. My first crush, female.

Gaia: Friend from the 5th grade. Artistic, brainy, down-to-earth.

BJ: My former fiance, 2 of 2. Used to be a fluffy-headed, over-religious and irritating high school buddy who I sometimes hung out with but more often wanted to smack some sense into. Is now most likely a drug dealer, and is on my blocked senders list.

the Lady E.: My former fiancee, 1 of 2. Still a good friend. Met her at CTY with pyrogenic.

old entry for this

Friends

The entire idea of a close beloved friend who does not want to hurt you is alien to me, almost completely outside of my experience. Or at least that's the way it seems sometimes. I've certainly had plenty of friends that haven't wanted to hurt me: Ginger & Galadriel and Gaia: we hung out together in fifth grade; Savil; votania, ralmathon; any of a number of delightfully remembered old friends. River. Shinji. boojum, pyrogenic, the Lady E, the argh/spink gang.

But Shawn and BJ? They hurt me. They wanted me changed, other than who I am.

I'm still growing used to the novelty of having a beloved friend, someone I love with all my heart, who cares about me as genuinely and lovingly as I do for him.

He doesn't even have to love me. He just cares. I perhaps should stop doubting that I'm worthy of being cared for. I bleed when he's cut. Should it surprise me so much when he bleeds for me, and allows me to hold his hand?

The only changes he wishes in me are changes that it must be my will to make unto myself, changes to make me stronger, healthier, happier, more myself. He's walked some of the same paths. He's cried some of my same tears. Now he reaches out a hand to catch mine.

Catch me if I fall.

I & Thou: a link given by The List.

http://www.buber.de/en/i_thou.htm

Exception Handlers

So Ron's subbing Thursday in Java, and he's talking about exceptions, and what to do with them, and all of a sudden my lightsaber switches on, noisily.

I turn it off in haste, and Ron remarks, /*I know I've told everybody to make sure their cellphones and pagers don't go off in the middle of class, but I've never run into a lightsaber before...*/

I make on-topic comment about exception handlers, and class order is restored after the requisite giggles, including from teacher.


When relating the story to Votania -- she got it.

My little geek!!