Odd Dreams

Dreamed about needing to go somewhere on an airplane, and having gotten eletronic tickests, and I had my recipt printed out, but Darkside, who had been added to the trip at the last minute, didn't have his. He hadn't thought that he'd needed it, but then realized, when I pointed it out to him, that he did need it. It was late, too late for the computer places in the airport to be open, and we needed it soon. So we got in the car and drove around town, looking for somewhere like a Kinko's. It was, of course, the standard searching-dream, where you go everywhere in search of something, and it just is nowhere to be found.

I woke up at some point during the dream, wandered to the bathroom, then jumped back in bed. I know that I tend to resume dreams if I go back to sleep without much room for rational thought in between there, but realized, upon reviewing what had been up, that Darkside would never do such a silly thing as drive all over town fruitlessly looking randomly up and down streets for a copy place -- no, he'd locate the phone book, and a map of the city, find a place, call ahead to see that they were open and to see that they offered the services that we needed. He's just so very well-organized and well-prepared...

...and the dream did not return.

Fwd: PLS HELP

DEAR friend.

I AM PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA ONLY SURVIVOR
OF THE ROYALFAMILY OF ALDERAN (ALDRN).
I AM MOVED TO WRITE YOU THIS LETTER,
THIS WAS IN CONFIDENCE CONSIDERING MY
PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCE AND SITUATION.
I WAS FALSLEY IMPRISONED UPON THE
IMPERIAL BATTLESTATION ("DEATH STAR") ( ... )

Dream-logic

I can't tell you how delighted I am that the portion of my brain responsible for dreams has figured out that Darkside can be convinced of simple fact by me. For every reason both logical and illogical, I used to have literal nightmares about Shawn not listening to me. It seemed that every time I had more information than he did, and I was right and he was improperly informed, he would not listen to me when I tried to tell him what needed to be done.

And then of course, he would run up smack against whatever it was that needed for him to have his ducks in a row in this order, and then he would be upset because he hadn't gotten things right.

This was a reflection of reality. While Shawn may have listened to me about things that I had more information about than he did, sometimes, there were times when he so very much did not. It would frustrate everyone involved. It got to the point where my undermind had to give me a nightmare about it, to point out that this was a Wrong.


I had a dream last night wherein Darkside was mistaken and I had more current information. So, anticipating a power struggle/battle of Wills (for whatever reason, I often identify Darkside with Shawn, to some degree, because I was deeply in love with both of them, more deeply than I've loved anyone else) I told Darkside that he did in fact need the paper printed out in order to fly.

At this point, Shawn would have argued with me, not even letting me get to the point where I would point to the bit of the paperwork (and the large airport sign) saying that passengers flying with electronic tickets would need the confirmation page printed out along with their ID before they could get past security to get on. Darkside let me say what I was going to say, read the information for himself, and agreed with me, with no arguement. Somewhere in there, a part of my mind conked out in shock, and, when it recovered, gasped, "He listened to me?"

My dreamscriptor function, though, had it in there as an of-course. Darkside is a sane, rational man, with quite a bit of respect for me.


And on the topic of respect... votania's still fuming about the hug thing... he doesn't know, yet, how very much it hurts when he won't hug back, mostly because I'm very careful about trying to hide it from him. Darkside hugs Dawn back when she hugs him, mostly because he's afraid that he'll insult her by not doing so. Other than that, he says, he really does not hug anyone but family. And I'm not family. He hugs Votania, though, and she's not family... I don't think he has any idea how much that hurt. It hurts to the point where it makes my fingers ache, because I dare not release the hurt where it can hit anyone else...

I don't think he knows how much it hurts, because he can't see the energy surges happening in me, he just sees their physical effects on me. He constantly misinterprets lust as emotional upset, for example. So he doesn't know until I tell him. I need to tell him. I also need to tell him how much the crowbar joke really really hurts, because it has a far too close relationship to the truth. It's going to shut me down one of these days... Furthermore, when he jokes about pushing me away when I hug him, and I take it seriously, there is an upset, and he tells me he's kidding. But since he's got the Vulcan-face thing going on, I can rarely tell when he's joking and when he's serious... so I never know when I truly am going to hug him too much, if he doesn't really mind when I hug him some and he still shoves me away.

Miscommunications.

If anyone here thought he knew how very much the hug issues were hurting me, he would be in a proportional amount of physical hurt.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, wolfshaman.

votania update...

She's spending the weekend at her mom's house. She should be home Sunday night or Monday morning. In the case that her mother tries to feed her pork, there is a grocery store within walking distance, and she can buy food. In the case of Severe Drama, she has the pager number of a friend with a car.

All shall be good.

All was good last night when I called and checked up. She and her dad were music-geeking over Linkin Park.

Dwarves?

Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezey, Bashful, Doc, Sleepy.

Duuude! I can remember all of them!

Dwarves today: Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Sneezy.

Levels of Serious (necklace)

Those who know what I wear will know that I always wear, never taking off, a black adjustable-length hemp cord with two silver medallions of the same size on it: an octogram (reflecting every 3rd point) and a pentagram. The pentagram has a Celtic knotwork border, and an amythyst in the center. The octogram is cut out so that you can see the pentagram medallion through it, mostly the knotwork and the amythyst, if the octogram's on top.

I take that necklace off if it gets tangled in my hair, or to wash the cord. For family occasions with votania, while we were still being very quiet about the whole witch thing around Great-Aunt and Great-Grandma (thanks to blabbermouth cousin, we can now happily wear our stars, just not get into debates with the old ladies), I would pull the cord long, and it would go under my shirt. I wear it under my shirt for job interviews. It does not come off.

This is not because of the necklace's religious significance. I can connect to the Divine and be protected by the holy spirit without anything other than my own awareness. The octogram is nice, and fits with the pentagram nicely, but if I were to wear just one, it would be the pentagram. The pentagram was given to me by Darkside, almost two years ago, and it's stayed with me since then. (Yes, I've left it randomly lying on the bathroom counter overnight at times, but there have been no significant lack-of-wearings.)

Yesterday, for Darkside's graduation, I took the necklace off.

I still kept it with me, of course. It was in my pocket, and from time to time I reached and touched it, just making sure it was still there. I wanted, though, to make my best possible impression on Darkside's parents. As they're Christian, and evidently the variety that doesn't always approve of other religions, especially non-major ones, I wanted for there to be no possible reason to have a conflict. So the necklace came off.

I do tend to wear necklaces, though, so I had to choose another one to wear.


I can't remember where in Africa this style of bead comes from, but there is a style of beautiful, teardrop-shaped glass beads called "wedding beads", because they're worn by brides. I came by a few maybe seven or eight years ago, and have had them around ever since. I only brought one of them to Arizona with me. It's a clear one, slightly frosted, looking like a misty drop of water. It's on a very thin chain, and together, they barely show up against my pale skin. I chose this necklace, which has deep significance to me, to wear instead of the pendant Darkside gave me to Darkside's graduation.

It didn't show up against my skin when wearing a tank top, so I chose another necklace, after deliberation.

But I wanted to wear it.

This is something that should be scary.

votania update

Things have been going reasonably well at Votania's mother's house. Votania has been surviving, sticking close to marxdarx so her mother can't corner her about him, and hanging out with her father in his den.

They are going thrift store shopping today, and lunch will be Chinese, so she'll be able to order something safe.

She may or may not wind up getting PocketLJ to work on Ishtar; if she does, she'll be posting every now and then from there, but probably not reading her friends page.

Oooh!

Storm! Grey clouds & rumbling!

'Ni is happy. Will go and wash her hair.

Elli has an Ivan too!

Ethan of Athos, the raid on the pharmacy. Watch Elli and her cousin Teki. Teki acts so like Ivan!

My past, my future, and why I'm where I am now, and how I could have gotten there otherwise.

Every now and then, I do a pathtrace on myself, looking at the options for my having shown up in this same place by a similar route, when I feel that it's one of those decisive moments.

Take now, for example.

Had I chosen to not go to UAF after high school, had I chosen DeVry instead, I could very well be here now, but graduated. Darkside and I would have been in the same incoming class, and I would have most likely chosen a class group overlapping his, somehow, and I would...

It gets tangled, but I'd be a lot younger now than I am now, and quite possibly married.

Before I got together with BJ, I got a random e-mail from a psychic, telling me that she'd run up across my e-mail searching for an old friend of hers, and did I know him? and by the way, your future happiness hinges on a decision/event that you're about to encounter, I hope you choose rightly, and I can help you if you wish.

I chose BJ, and that brought me to Phoenix, which is where I met Votania, and Darkside, and once I'd met them, I ditched BJ. ...It makes a very weird kind of sense to me. In fateful terms, BJ was means to an end, and I didn't use him very well, and then I ditched him.

It feels weird, thinking of someone in that sense. Effectively, though, that is what he was to me.

Sex

digitalambience dropped by.

I think everybody knows where this is going now, given the subject line.

He explained the beer thing. There's one teacher who says that if you can't figure out problems in lab, and he has to help, then you owe him a beer. This must have been a class group full of procrastinators. They were walking up to the podium, shaking the guy's hand, and handing him beers. I think it was an organized campaign, because that didn't happen at the last graduation.

There was much giggleage. The bloody letters on the window are done in red lipstick, and I got that all over his mouth. He pulled the shade down; I turned the little thingamajigger so that the slats of the blinds hid nothing; that was amusing.

We eventually did get it on. It was fun.