azurelunatic

Aug. 4th, 2003

votania, remember to go and do that thing with LF finding out his school info.

Morning is not, so very much *not*, my time. Not this week, anyway. Wishing I'd gotten to talk with Darkside this weekend. Wishing I'd had some time to lie quietly in bed with the phone and his voice wrapping warm around me in the dark, cherished and cared for.

...your "The database connection was made successfully" message is "w00t!"

The web teacher knocked off class early; she was preparing us for our test. I went home and got a nice helping of extra sleep, complete with good dreams that I don't remember well.

Came to school again just in time for our first DBA w/Oracle test. One of the last questions involved the role of the DBA in making coffee for the CEO. Never say that Burns\Bruyn don't have a sense of humor...

Now I'm running scripts to build the data dictionary. They warned us in the lab guide that it'd take 15 to complete. I appreciate the warning. So I'm on LJ waiting. Yay, me.

I'm learning the DB tricks that are so much better than blind select statements. Whee!!

Current Mood: geeky

...and also quiet as anything. Talked with Darkside for a good 45 minutes. It was good. There were a lot of silences, but there were also some very good things talked about. Apologized for being such a pain when he was trying to kick my ass towards being whole. At least when he orders me, I obey.

It's such a fascinating and full feeling when I get off the phone. There's so much inside me that to let it all out in person would be an explosion, and would possibly involve nudity. So I'm very, very quiet. I don't have to proclaim "Me! Me! This is me! Love me! Pay attention to me!" from the treetops, as I am known, inside and out.

"I love you crazy just because.
I love you madly just because.
You turn me on
My attentions are turned to you..."

Forward momentum is a lot of fun. But he -- he brings me to that stillness, the place where I don't have to run, and have no need to hide from him, which I can't anyway.

I decided long ago that I liked the me I was around him the best of all, and I've been working to bring the me that I am most of the time into closer agreement with the me I am around him. I've been made happier, with more love, less sorrow. More whole.

Current Mood: loved
Current Music: the Centennial Waltz (humming it)

Today was not a good day for him -- he was told to put away his laundry, and then would put one piece away, then start playing. After he finally, five hours later, got it all put away, he was sat down with a workbook. Same deal. One letter, then playing.

I finally had to stand over him and get him to do it, and point out when he started to play, and eventually did send him to the corner when he got an "uncontrollable itch". The instant he stopped crying, I sent him back to work on that. He snifflingly told me that it hurt his feelings when I yelled. (Around here, a snappish tone that's only slightly louder than usual counts as a major yell.) I told him that it hurt my feelings just as much when he didn't do what I told him to do.

That one stopped his pity-party right in its tracks.

Somewhat later, he was telling Sim to stop bothering him, he was working. Told him that he was not allowed to talk to Sim, and Sim was not allowed to bother him, but most especially, he was not allowed to talk to Sim even if Sim was bothering him, and to get back to work.

He distinguishes between "doing it slow" (which is doing the actual work slow enough to be careful with it) and "playing instead of working". If you tell him to not do it slow, he will say that he has to do it slow, and he means that he has to go slow enough to be careful, and not rush and do a slapdash job of it. If you tell him to work and not play, he will get guilty and get back to work instead of getting indignant over the implied threat to the quality of his work.

It's really not a fair choice to tell him, "Are you going to argue with me and go to the corner, or are you going to work?" But, until he gets in the habit of actually doing stuff, it's the only choice I can give him when he's messing around when he's supposed to be working.

We're having him do workbooks and stuff over the break so he hasn't lost all that stuff when it comes time for school next Monday. I'm guessing that half the rest of the class will have either lost their writing or not have had it in the first place. He's almost reading... well, really short words and his own name, but still reading.

http://www.ooblick.com/text/tomordor/

When I was at the mall on Sunday, I chanced to go into the store that often has anime.

Darkside Blues was the first thing that caught my eye.

Then I saw X. Not just the first DVD, but lots of them.

And I saw the price. Drugs would be cheaper.

Where can I learn subtlety from his school?