Lazy Lunatic Day

For a generally lazy day, I got a lot accomplished. I woke up, played on the computer a bit, then headed out. Before I got entirely out, though, I managed to get in some situps and my arm routine. I slipped stuff in the mail just as the postal worker was getting out of her van.

I went and gave plasma, and while doing that, read the BBC news on my palmtop. The movie of the day was Drum Line, which is fantastically boring to most people, but I have enough Inner Band Geek to really appreciate it.

After plasma, I went straight to the library on the bus and dumped off my old selection of books. Hooray, bus; hooray, library.

When I got home, there was no untoward howling. I zonked out and finished Tears of the Giraffe after chatting with my junior bondmate for a bit.

I called Dawn, and we finally got some words in edgewise. She's a sweetheart. I've been leaving her random voicemails, so she does get updated on the crucial stuff.

marxdarx's mom called. (Am I ever going to get used to that little window that pops up in Semagic for username entry now? I can't find the option to turn it off.) I vegged. I started some onion-dill bread in the bread machine. I chatted with pharminatrix and told chicken stories. (Chickens are really interesting pets. They're also insane.)

marxdarx and I went shopping, after that. He's my usual after-hours co-pilot. I don't like driving alone since I'm not used to driving anymore, and at any rate, he has the other set of keys. I think I'd drive the car a lot more if I had my own set of keys, but I don't. I may well get used to Phoenix driving, but only after I've logged a lot more time just getting used to the mechanics of driving again. Nearly four years without driving is a long time to go.

Shopping yielded useful things like meat-and-potato hash and soup, and not-so-useful things like a vivid blue pumpkin treat bucket with a Lunatic jack-o-lantern grin (with sharp teeth). The Cunning Agenda for tomorrow has a shopping expedition for more chicken bits written all over it in the afternoon once Sis gets home.

Bonds

I have to keep babbling about it so I'll know that it's real, that it hasn't faded overnight, that it exists in a reality that other people know about.

I'm bonded. No matter what form the bond eventually will take, the fact of the bonding won't change unless we change it or let it slip, but even then, it's the sort of bond that snaps to again whenever the connection's remade.

We're making it again moment to moment, day to day, week to week. It renews when I think of the happy moments past; it renews whenever I hear their voices, feel their touch, read their thoughts made text, feel their presence with me so strongly that I have to look about to make sure they haven't appeared in person. It renews when they demonstrate yet again that I have a place in their lives, that my time with them is welcomed.

amberite had mentioned, in the past, that I have demonstrated to her that unrequited love can be a valid choice. Unrequited love is often associated with angsting and whining and wishing either to be rid of it, or to have the love returned in kind. Since last May, I've done all the angsting I intend to. Sometimes knowledge of things comes to me stealthily, through routes other than the typical. Last May, a certain knowledge was imparted to me, explaining why my love cannot be returned to me in kind, though it is surely returned to me with equal force and ferocity. Since then, I have loved quietly, joyously, unreservedly, as my doubts and fears were replaced one by one with certain knowledge of how much I am loved, platonically, in return. Last month, my intution was validated yet again, and again, I give of myself out of love overflowing, out of joy, out of loyalty and faith, out of the silent moments when no Earthly word can fully encompass the heart-warmth shared.

I am cherished, if short of possessed. I am loved, if not owned. I have friends, bondmates, who would move heaven and earth to help me, if I do not have lovers. I give of myself, and I am accepted, more or less as I am. More than that -- I am accepted as I should be. Any good friend can accept you as you are. It takes an incredibly special someone to see you not only as you are, but as you should be, and to help you reconcile the two, with firmness, tenderness, and compassion.

I have that, not once, but twice. My heart is full. I sing joy all around me, joy and delight and awe overpowering.

I could not have found my certainty in either without the other. With, though, I know that however unconventional the arrangements, all shall be well.

Imaginary Songs

grifyn has some of the scariest dreams: a song, "Stick the Cherry Twizzler in Your Ear (Because You Like It)", a collaboration between Bjork and Radiohead.

Now I can't escape the feeling that someone, somewhere, should make this song into something like a reality.

I hear rasping whispers in a long tunnel. What do you hear?

Freewill of the Week

Taurus Horoscope for week of September 30, 2004
http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/taurus.html
In the French village of Lourdes is a spring whose waters are reputed to have miraculous powers of healing. For 150 years, sick and despondent pilgrims from all over the world have traveled there seeking relief. To get to the sacred sanctuary, ironically, seekers must make their way through streets filled with cheesy souvenir shops and tourist traps. And the restaurants in Lourdes are among the worst in all of France. This scenario may be a bit like your life in the coming days, Taurus. In your search for healing and purity, you'll probably have to weave your way through a mini-wasteland.

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Gemini Horoscope for week of September 30, 2004
http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/gemini.html
This is Walk Your Talk Week for you Geminis. More than any other time this year, you will have everything going for you when you concentrate on translating your highest ideals into practical actions. Live up to your hype, you beautiful dreamer. Fulfill your promises. Call on all your ingenuity to create effects that are in harmony with your intentions. You are now capable of being as free of hypocrisy as it's possible for a human being to be.

Hoo boy. I think first on the list is some typing?

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Cancer Horoscope for week of September 30, 2004
http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/cancer.html
These days it's rare to hear music that's not channeled through machines. When is the last time you enjoyed beautiful singing unenhanced by a microphone or the technology of a recording studio? But I say unto you, my dear Cancerian, that it's now crucial for you to listen to the naked human voice raised in song. Don't stop there, either. Your soul craves all kinds of raw, unfiltered contact with the world-first-hand information that hasn't been translated or interpreted before it reaches you. So try divesting yourself of the opinions you've borrowed from "experts." Look for guidance from the experiences you actually have, not from stories, gossip, and news gleaned from second-hand sources. Make love with a real person, not with the fantasies implanted in your imagination by the entertainment industry.

Feline Bonding Moments

I bathed eris_raven the night before last, and then last night, I sat down with her and a comb, and I removed a lot of the loose fur that she sheds on things. Last night, she was trying to wiggle free.

Today, she sat rippling her fur muscles and arching up at me when I combed her.

Maybe she'll let me do that more often. That would be nice, because she is currently shedding her multicolored pastel fur all over things.

Back in touch!

I lost touch with Queenie, one of my old friends from high school, back in 2001. Her life had just gotten interesting. My life had just gotten interesting. We stopped sending e-mails.

This afternoon, at utter random chance, she sent me an IM. She'd been meaning to IM someone else. She wound up IMing me.

We exchanged e-mails.

I'm so happy. She's one of the people I've always wanted to stay in contact with. Hooray!

Housework & Reading

In between trying to track down that elusive Penny Arcade strip, I washed some dishes, took a bath, and scrubbed the microwave. I also finished up reading Tokyo Doesn't Love Us Anymore, by Ray Loriga (translated by John King). Don't read that if you're already feeling weird and empty. If you like Dick, though, you might like that.

My hair feels weird today also, because I didn't put conditioner on it after the bath. It's fluffy and rough and untamed.

I'm not sure if any signal I'm sending gets through, but I have to just keep hoping and transmitting. Today was an empty day, regardless of communication and housework. An empty day. A sleeping day. A reading a book that leaves me empty-headed day. I'm afraid to pick up another book. That might make it worse.

Are Wednesdays always this dead?