azurelunatic

An individual who shall remain anonymous asked IRC whether maple syrup was lube or not lube, and then how much not-lube it was.

In the spirit of inquiry and also that perhaps I'm up past my bedtime, science ensued.

Hypothesis:
Maple syrup is not lube.

Materials:
1 bottle of maple syrup (Trader Joe's)
1 shotglass (IKEA)
sink
hand soap
computer and internet stop watch
bluetooth headset
tumblr
2 human hands

Procedure:
Washed hands with soap in sink.
Poured a shot of maple syrup.
Sat at computer desk with maple syrup.
Called tumblr in the attempt to record what the hell was going on here.
Dipped fingers (first finger, thumb) of non-mouse-hand in maple syrup.
Started stopwatch and commenced rubbing fingers across each other in constant contact, in the classic "money" gesture.
(Tumblr disconnected.)
(Called Tumblr back.)
After fingers got tired and maple syrup was not yet degrading as expected, at about the three minute mark, switched to pinching together and pulling apart fingers.
Noticed distinct stickiness within 30 seconds, and active adhesion within a minute.
Subsequent rubbing had more friction than rubbing bare skin together.
Declared experiment over, licked fingers clean, drank shot of maple syrup, washed hands.
Told IRC.

Conclusions:
Contrary to my initial expectation, it might not be an instant disaster to attempt to use maple syrup as a sexual lubricant ... for a few minutes.
Sex does, however, often involve both sliding-alongside-in-constant-contact and push-together-and-pull-apart actions. The together-and-apart parts of it might well render the maple syrup too tacky to continue, in short order.
Maple syrup is still a sugary substance, and as such, can provide an excellent growth medium for yeast. This is really not great when it happens in one's tender bits.
Maple syrup: still not lube!