Normal.

Normal.

Normal normal normal normal.

damn.

I bite.

I have every right to be angry

and so does he.

watch the documentary of a mind breakind gd down.

to make it all worse

all night I have had the sharp painful kind of horniness that makes sex not a luxury, but a necessity for proper function of body. I can't sit right.

and that would not be a problem

except now, now....

now I will not have sex with him. not tonight.

possibly not ever.

I don't know yet.
do i trust him?

(no subject)

Marx talked me up. Will see Darkside in the morning. Will get hug. Will claim hug.

Not fair to Darkside, that he gives me so much, all the things that mean so much to me, and all I have to give him is my friendship. He deserves more than that of me. Whatever I have to give, should be his. A fair exchange. He seeks so little for himself, of me -- but I want to give. The friendship I give him costs me nothing; indeed, I would be the poorer for not giving it to him.

I trust him to say the right thing to me, to not upset my balance; or, if he upsets my balance, to find a new and better way to balance me afterwards, and help me arrange it all together again.

He deserves only the best, does Darkside.

If only I were the best.

Thank you, Marx. Thank you, Darkside.

...for being there when I called and making sure I'd be OK...

...for letting me hug you in the middle of the computer lab, and letting me hug you in the game room, and kicking my ass at Tekken 3, and letting me babble to you about what happened....

...I didn't even need to tell you. You were there.


And thank you for saying, "Just what I needed. A best friend with a mental breakdown. No, wait. It already is broken." ...I didn't know I counted as a best friend....

Update.

OK, answering comments one at a time.

Definitely not screwing around with Adam until I get him tested. I hear HIV tests take 6 months after possible exposure to be accurate. Hopefully he was smart enough to use the condom in his jacket pocket. If so, I'll have one less worry. I'll still have him get tested for the things he could have come in contact with, though.

Votania's the expert there; she has had far too many friends run afoul of the wrong thing.

I did say "Love you" this morning to him before he left for work, screaming out late. Alarm clocks have not been working around here lately. We did sleep in the same bed.

Darkside was sweet and supportive this morning. Marx was sweet and supportive last night. I think some cake and ice cream are in order for this evening.

...dammit.

...And no, he did not wear a condom. She's on birth control.

...Dammit.

(no subject)

It's not that I don't trust V* to be straight with Adam about her sexual history. I'm sure if she knew she had any sort of disease, she'd tell him and they'd deal with it.

I don't trust her to know she has a disease or not, though. I know for certain that she's not a virgin; she cheated on Adam at one point. Now, the history behind that is complex: Adam was in fact the secondary (and didn't get told this) and the guy she cheated with was in fact her primary, who predated Adam. There's the possibility that the mother of *his* children was not honest with him. Who knows.

Adam gets no nookie from me, not without a checkup and a condom both.

Today was a total waste of makeup.

In trying to cheer someone up by listing a really bad long drawn-out psychotic breakup I went through, I managed to make the situation worse.

Some people see only what they want to see, and if what's needed to be seen is a horriffic mistake and a nasty breakup, then by damn, that'll be JUST fine with me.

Ishtar died three times.

...I installed the hotsync cradle for Votania's and my Handspring Visor Neo's on the server, IQ Man (muuuuch better as a server than poor ENKI; ENKI was never meant to serve) ...and Votania got into a downloading frenzy. She does this, when she wants to customize and make everything Just So Nifty.

Unfortunately, she ran afoul of a crash program or three, and crashed it...

Fortunately, she had everything backed up.

So, instead of RTFM, she asks Echo where the reset button is, and then spent a couple hours today reloading it, and testing each program to see which ones were crash programs.

I'm so proud of my geeky sister!!

[Ishtar is the name of Votania's palmtop. Mine is Inanna. ENKI didn't have to rescue Ishtar this time!]

preferences

Spiritually, I'm glad that Adam had sex with V* rather than anyone else. He has a deep friendly spiritual connection from way back when with her.

Physically, I would far rather that he have picked up a tart from Van Buren. He would have made sure to use a condom...

Darkside on my phone

Called Darkside. He had a shitty day at work. He had to get to bed early, so he can show up at school tomorrow to work in the lab.

We giggled for a while on the phone. He had a There Is No Spoon incident at work; the waitstaff keep snitching his utensils to put on the tables. This has been going on for far too long. He needs to find a better job that won't make him feel like tearing out the rest of his hair.

I hope he sleeps well. We talked for about half an hour.

Have we connected again? I've felt him with me for the past few days.

palmtop update

10:30 am: Saw Darkside. He helped. Let me hug him. Called me a best friend. Wow. Played me Tekken 3. As I am a button-masher, he won.

No sex w/Adam until he gets tested for STD's. Damn dumbass.
6:29 pm: Waiting for bus. Sam's: shopping.

Still tripping over being a best friend to Darkside. I know I am, but for him to say so aloud means a lot.

Am still upset about Adam and V* but now only mostly @ dumbass bits of the situation. Why ... I suppose I never specified being body-fluid monogamous.
6:45 pm: Bus station @ metro. George B. wrote me back & told about BJ being an ass & selling pot in Anchorage. Trust BJ to try & make petty shit sound big.
7:44 pm: On bus back home. Have alarm clock & mushrooms. Hope to snuggle w/ Adam tonight.

"Holy Fuck!" oil

Votania thinks I should make more of it and store it in this big green bottle that Marx gave me. It's an awesome bottle.

...and the oil is a very scary thing, that should be used only cautiously.

I shall see if Darkside wants to show up here on Sunday morning.