...a simple, "Joan, I need to go to bed" would have done very nicely...

BIG blow-up with Adam. The door was locked so he wouldn't wander in on a scene of sexual mayhem that he would not have appreciated. Yelling and swearing ensure, a good hour after the event. I am crying. My relationship with Adam is on suspension. Being yelled at like that terrifies me, especially when I cannot get a logical word in until the first, second, and third blasts of anger are out. Had he and I collided, I probably would have beat him and screamed until he would listen to me. The potential for violence in myself upsets me more than does the potential for violence in others.

Adam seems to be calming down some.

Now that I do not have the dream of Darkside to cling to, Adam's presence beside me at night means more to me than ever, more than I can really say. I was thinking that perhaps, someday, marriage might be an option. Teach me to get hopeful. Teach me to dream.

Adam looked busy at the computer. I've been clinging to him and disturbing him at the computer far too much lately. R. and I had been giggling and talking about this and that, and I decided, suddenly, to pounce him. So I tossed the cat out and locked the door. I did not know that Adam was not totally involved in his computer the way he often is for half the night. I did not know that he was contemplating coming to bed really damn soon. I locked the door and locked Adam out of the room.

Why don't I just go ahead and shoot myself? Would be a lot less painful.

The one thing I should not have said: "Well, now you know how I feel about V."

I appreciate being told before each and every instance of Adam and V. being together. I told him so; somehow, the miscommunication happened that I did not know that he would also appreciate, with the same strongness, knowing before each time R. and I do something, especially in his presence.

I would give up R. in a heartbeat for Adam. R. and I are not compatible in the long run. Adam and I probably aren't either. I had dreamed we might be, though...

How many ways are there to say you're sorry? I wish he'd knocked and interrupted. I wish he'd turn me over his knee and work his anger out by smacking my bottom. I (and this starts me crying again) wish I could crawl into bed next to him -- he's taken the other bed -- and curl up next to him and wrap my arms around him and tell him that I truly do love him.

I didn't know it would hurt him like that. I don't ever want to do that again.

I doubt R. and I are ever going to do anything, after this. It was silly high-school-type messing around. Darkside and I act like an elementary school couple. R. and I act like a high school couple. Adam is my first real adult relationship. BJ and I acted like a couple of kindergarteners, except for the sex.

....I was hoping, I suppose, for a miracle.

i'll be fine.

Adam feels calmer now, less likely to break out into a ragestorm. we did have a calmer talk.

he needs to heal, before he can even think about starting up again.

...i suppose i didn't know how much he meant to me until this. i think it's a relationship worth fighting for, not against.

[01:00] silenceshadow: pissed offadam.
[01:00] silenceshadow: severely.
[01:00] silenceshadow: he came in yelling and swearing.
[01:00] thechaosfairy: ick. *hugs*
[01:00] silenceshadow: thanks.
[01:01] silenceshadow: .... it's worse than it would have been a week ago.
[01:01] thechaosfairy: *hugs more* Want to rant or would you rather leave it to your LJ?
[01:01] silenceshadow: already put it in lj.
[01:02] silenceshadow: i have to, these days, to get calm enough about some things to talk to people.
[01:02] thechaosfairy: *nods and sees*
[01:02] silenceshadow: think i've stopped crying, mostly.
[01:02] silenceshadow: not sure though.
[01:04] thechaosfairy: this is just bad relationship chaos week for you, isn't it?
[01:04] silenceshadow: yep.
[01:04] silenceshadow: only the thing with darkside was good.
[01:04] silenceshadow: it was healing.
[01:05] silenceshadow: he held my hand while i was crying, and that was all that matters.
[01:06] thechaosfairy: yeah, but I'm guessing it's still disruptive for you, if in an overall good way.
[01:06] silenceshadow: it was less disruptive than the depression.
[01:07] silenceshadow: disrupting my selfdelusions, yes.

...if the rules are laid down, letter by letter, I will follow them. I just need to know where the rules are, with great exactness. Communication.

If getting on my knees and clasping Adam's feet and praying for forgiveness would work to make Adam feel better, then I would do this. Adam told R. that R. could have me. I don't want that. I want Adam. R. is not Adam. Darkside does not enter into the discussion; the rules about Darkside have been set long ago.

R. and I were chatting in my room. We made out. We had sex. Yes, even with Bitchy Witchy Week, we had sex. That's the truth right there, Adam. If you'd been around earlier in the day, or if the other bed in our room hadn't been occupied last night, I would have had sex with you, first. I still would have wanted to, with you, tonight.

Sex with R. is sacred, but not serious. A delight and a joy and a comfort and a sacrament, a binding together of two friends, but not the same thing as it is between me and you. Sex with R. takes maybe ten, fifteen minutes, half an hour tops. I am not willing to invest the same kind of time into him as into you. He is seeking his One True Love, and I am not she. I have been warned by the powers of the universe that R. and I are not a permanent or stable couple. I have chosen to accept that warning. I will not allow myself to be bound too tightly to R.

...With you, sex is joy and beauty and love. I've been saying "I love you" a lot over the past few days. I do. I don't say that to R. He's my friend. He's a good friend and a close friend, but he's not someone I would have as a roommate who shares the same bedroom on a long term basis.

I've grown attached to you, Adam. To have you rip yourself out of my heart, cutting the ties -- at least you cauterized your end, so you're not bleeding. Probably hurts like hell, though. I'm bleeding.

I'm going to go, take a shower, cry in the shower, brush my teeth, scrub my face, put on school clothes, and crash asleep cradling the lightsaber Darkside gave me over a year ago. It's not even the same saber. It's Votania's saber, the one he gave her that she gave to me when mine broke. It's still my lightsaber, though...

I suppose I must put the heartbreak on hold while I go through the motions and gather myself together for school, then trust in Darkside to take care of me, take care of my lonely and wounded heart, help me talk out to myself what, just, it is that I'm going to do next.

Votania, don't, please, throw Adam and all his things out onto the sidewalk. Shit like this happens. Sorry for disturbing your sleep. I'd like to crawl in bed beside you tonight, but somehow I think you might take that wrong....

...this still, maybe, might be worked through....

I gave him a trash can for beside his bed, and moved the laundry, in case his stomach acted up again in the night.

What a sight I must be. I'm pathetic. I shouldn't even care. ...

Dear Adam:

I should have thought before I acted. What I perceived as the minor discourtesy of telling you what was going on after rather than before turned into a disaster, and there is no way of making that right.

We never did lay out the rules for how we were to handle sexual contact with other people when the other was present in the same house at the time. All I remember having specifically discussed with you pertaining to the situation was that you preferred not to watch me playing tonsil hockey with another man.

There is no way to undo what's been done. I wish I could. I wish I had never inflicted this pain upon you. We can only continue from here.

If you do not wish to continue our relationship, I could understand that, and if that is the choice you make, I wish you the best. I treasure and value our friendship, and have no wish to see it end, but if that is how it must be, then let it be so.

I would prefer to try to continue our relationship, however. This must never happen again, and I am prepared to accede to your wishes in how to make that possible. If we are to continue, the safest way is to agree upon some guidelines for each of our behavior. We discussed my wishes for your behavior the last time we upset each other. This time, I would appreciate knowing where the boundaries lie so that I do not tap-dance on the land mines in your psyche. Triggering your anger terrifies me and I have no wish to do it ever again.

No matter if our relationship continues or not, my fling with the other young man in question is over until further notice, if not forever. It is a fling; he and I are not long-term compatible, and he and I both know it. I had thought that you and I might be more so. I still hope we might be.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

Morning.

Had breakfast with Darkside. He had a few things to say about the situation. He comforted me some... he's still my best friend. Thank gods for Darkside.

I shouldn't be this upset.

So my response to the comment was angry and immature. A copy's already been delivered to his overstuffed inbox. I can't go back and delete what I said. I've got every right to be pissed as hell at him; he's got every right to be pissed as hell at me.

I didn't know that something like this would blow up so huge. R. and I have made out before; had sex before. Never was there a reaction like this. I had no idea. If I'd known, it would not have happened. There's no way to undo it.

I feel petty and bratty and I want to lash out with all claws and teeth and make for damn sure Adam's feeling just as bad as I am. That's my response when I get hurt, even if it's in response to me having hurt someone and them hurting me back. And then I want to make it all better, kiss it and make it all better. How do you do that, with someone who won't let you touch them?

I love him. That needs to be the refrain. I love him. I love him. Letting stupid shit like this mess up things would be stupid, morally wrong...

Wait, Neighbor says. Give Adam time.

I didn't think. How fucking many problems in this world would just disappear if people thought about things before they did them?

I need to go pound my head on the wall or something. Darkside's at work, so I can't call him. DC just called... things are worse for her than they are for me. poor dear.

talking

Adam and I talked and figured out a few of the exact things that caused the enormous screaming problem. My way of not hearing things, not truly listening was more than half the problem.

The relationship is suspended, not revoked.

...

and curse me for a fool for not considering his empathy.

and, at this point

I don't even know if I have a job to be going to, when I will be walking out the door in a few minutes. I may have swiped in at the last few seconds of 8:30 on Saturday, or the first few seconds of 8:31. If the former, I'm fine if I can make it on time today and tomorrow. If the latter, I will have no job.

Being fired, at this point, would be a relief.