Work

Despite wanting to sleep in, and the rain, I made it to work not only on time, but a good six minutes early. Whooo! I got put on the long-ass survey about technology and communications. iroshi, if that was your Mark who spoke to some cheerful female about long distance right while he was making dinner, it was me doing the chattering at the other end of the phone.

All in all, I got five surveys (five and three halves, but beginning halves don't count) and a break card coupon for my troubles. This in spite of slacking off in the ladies' room and turning in another of the break cards for an extra-long lunch. Oh, and did I mention the bug report? I've been spotting flaws in our survey designs, and been reporting those.

I intend to ask if there's an internship position open in IT.

Shared the Kamikaze Fruitfly chapter of Xgn with Nick. He shared some D&D art with me. Nick is my thirty-second ex, who dated me for thirty seconds for the express purpose of using the line "But Joan, I can't live this lie anymore: I'm married to the sea!" to break up with me. He dated me again a minute later, and used a less memorable line after ten seconds.

Quiz time...

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Hiding from the Sun

I'm small and quiet today. I finished up reading Music of the Spheres. There were tears. I recommend. Reading Probe and then reading this is better than reading the novelizations of the movie and then reading the book that the movie was based upon.

...And, upon finishing, I was stricken by a longing for my own brother. Darkside wasn't home yet when I called.

Finished up at least some of the dishes. I've been falling back into dishevelment and disrepair, slowly. Been trying to sleep, at least, with Votania there to kick my ass into doing so.

Just don't want to talk to anybody, yet crave the human contact, somehow. Snuggling with Adam would be ideal, almost. Wonder where he's gotten to?

And, akin to the adventures of stick figure man...

http://www.teamhouse.tni.net/stickpeople1.html

...thanks to my co-worker Motley for passing it on.

Out.

Adam is out with V. tonight: dinner and a movie. He doubts he'll get home any time tonight. Last night he was out at a LAN party and got home sometime before dawn.

I'd been hoping to snuggle with him tonight to shake the blues away. Dammit.

At least he tells me these things. ...Well, no... I have to call him to coax the information out of him.

Well, at least he tells me truth rather than not.

Why do I feel like Ekaterin, making empty excuses for Tien? Why do I feel like Shawn all over again?

...I should give my heart back to Darkside. He knows, at least, the care of it...

All Bujold fans...

Is this not Miles? Tell me that this is not Miles. Think manic phase.

http://images-eu.amazon.com/images/P/3453149076.03.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

Enough.

Enough enough enough.

The words never quite work when I need them to. Wish Darkside still had a phone I could call at obscene hours of the night. I need him; need somebody right about now. It looks like none of the people who'd have the right words are a) on; b) there.

It seems that everything's upsetting me today. Work was great. I was, for once in my miserable pissant life, real enough to tell someone who makes a habit of really pissing me off that they were, in fact, really pissing me off. Co-worker, loudmouth, no longer calls me Diane.

Got home to find much in the way of dirty dishes that I hadn't done yet, and a completely invisible Adam. Night eventually fell; Votania and the Viking left for whereabouts unknown; I finished reading the book and then became claustrophobic. When Marx and Nephew and I were all in the kitchen at once, that became too much for me: I fled.

It turned out that Adam is out with V., and that the Viking had taken Votania to go look at cars. Whoo. Cars. ...I would be getting more excited, but I really have a hard time doing that when my sinuses feel full of chlorinated water. Votania brought home cookies. Again, whoo.

Reminder to self: avoid Chips Ahoy. Every time I eat them I remember why I hate them, which is because they don't taste at all good to me, yet I keep eating them anyway.

Barricaded self in room, now. Adam is not coming home any time tonight, it seems. I asked, just short of begging, but the answer was no.

...Note to self, never try to find out what is up with Votania's computer when already in a depressive frame of mind. Any threat of violence towards a computer affects me deeply. I internalize irritation at other people, marking it as a fault against myself for letting what they did get at me. Votania's well-meaning lecture to that point made it worse.

For all that he's a good friend, hugs from Marx are not what I need at this point, nor hugs from the Viking, nor hugs from R. Maybe hugs from Neighbor. Maybe.

Little things are irritating me tonight, setting me onto that dangerous edge where I snap out and wind up hurting myself. Telling me I shouldn't, that I should pull myself together, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop hurting myself on purpose, stop getting upset, make me feel of far less worth, for that's what I'm telling myself as I'm sinking deeper into the muck of regret and self-loathing.

Yes, I'm fucking falling in love with Adam. No need to slap me in the face with it. I would be wiser to take my heart back, dust it off, wrap it up in a little box with brown paper bag wrapping, and plenty of tape, and stick it in Darkside's backpack sometime when he's not looking, with his name clearly written on the outside, and my sigil. A pocket he doesn't dig in, much.

It would be safe there. For all that he's a cold little bastard, he cares enough to not hurt me on purpose except for fun for both of us.

The fucking background music on American McGee's Alice pissed me off; I put in Ozzy to drown it out. Votania was trying to sleep, and turned it back down -- I reappeared out in the living room, holding body pillow up to try and hide my face, and asked that Marx turn down the damn game.

Then I locked the door.

No, it hasn't been this bad in a while.

I don't love R. Not that way. He's a friend; we shag. Period. No romance. The occasional backrub.

...Adam, I love.

... ... Darkside, I should stay in love with. He'll treat me right, even if it is only as dear but platonic friends. ...I may be falling out of love.

...Somebody just bonk me over the head with a large anvil now......