DC feels that I'm coming out as Darkside's apologist for the lousy way he's treating me. She saw me through Shawn, saw the damage I took; and she met me a few years into the Shawn relationship, when I was already silent, quiet, his meek little secretary. She sees in Darkside another Shawn, another user, abuser, who will mold me into their conception of the perfect woman, then toss me, as their image of perfect won't be truly perfect.
I disagree.
Wired had alarm bells go off at my mention of stopping sex with other people because it bothered Darkside. I have a bad habit of writing the beginning motivation and the end result, skipping a good deal of internal debate in the process.
Given: Darkside values monogamy, and especially values my not sleeping with people who will do me mental and/or physical damage.
Given: I have a tendancy towards sleeping with people.
Opinion/Psychological observation: Darkside is less likely to allow himself to become attracted to someone who engages in frequent sexual activity with multiple people without an established healthy relationship.
Given: I love Darkside and wish to enter a relationship with him.
Observation: If I'm going to sleep with someone, it's most likely going to be someone I've slept with before.
Observation: Darkside approves of the idea of my sleeping with
ralmathon.
Fact: I have not had sex with
ralmathon.
Opinion: Neighbor does not wish to have sex with me.
Hypothesis: Darkside would not enter a relationship with me unless I were completely single.
Opinion: I really,
really want to have a relationship with Darkside.
Weighing all of these factors, knowing Darkside as I do, I conclude that if Darkside has so much as a spark of attraction towards me, I could do one of two things to encourage it:
- Continue sleeping with Adam, which situation frustrates Darkside for sake of my sanity
- Make myself single so that Darkside would have a chance at me
Somehow, knowing Darkside as I do, seeing the disappointment in his eyes when he gets that tense expression on his face when I mention getting it on with Adam (not to mention
iroshi's insights on the matter), I don't think that the solution is to keep throwing myself at other guys.
Knowing Darkside's history as I do, I suspect that one of the best things I could do to encourage him towards a relationship would be to demonstrate my caring for him, and my constancy. Knowing his conservatism, I vote for that as well.
Understand that constancy and celibacy are well within my nature, just not the side of my nature that I've been exploring over the past eleven months. Polyamory has been my ethical position since I knew the word. Polyamory is the loving of many, but includes also the loving of the self.
I would be doing myself a great betrayal were I to ignore my love for Darkside (yesterday, I realized how much I did feel for him) and continue to maintain relationships that I feel little for, now, and ignore the possibilities of things that might be, because it would be giving up short-term pleasure.
Darkside has always been the person that I knew I could become exclusively pair-bonded to, were I given the opportunity. As I hadn't been given the opportunity, I continued to play with relationships that I knew held little to no future. Darkside's Primary status was part of the initial consultation with Adam about a relationship. Adam will not date a woman who's not of his religion. I could not, would not, change religions for the purpose of dating Adam.
Cordelia said it best: people before principles.
I mainly speak of my many small submissions to Darkside, because it pleases me to submit. I don't speak so much of the equally many, equally small, actions of standing up for what I choose to be doing at any particular moment, no matter what he thinks of it, because after the repairs to my mind and soul, standing up for myself is not so much a problem any more.
If Darkside didn't care about me the way I am, I wouldn't consider him my best friend. If he didn't continually say little things to build me up, help me be more myself, refuse to let me blind myself, I'd probably have wandered off, feeling lost, in some other direction.
boojum knew me as I was just beginning to know Shawn, and her ex,
pyrogenic, knew me before that. They're my baseline here. Everyone else I know on LJ has only known me after Shawn. I'm still not so sure how much of the me that I am now is
me, and how much is Shawn, to whom I gave near-absolute write permission.
Darkside's not Shawn. He refuses to become Shawn.I could love him for that alone.