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Aug. 6th, 2002

azurelunatic: Dying Spock saluting Kirk through heavy glass.  (spock)
Well, the one sure thing is, I am a deist of some description or another. Attachment to the names has never been my big thing. I know Raven, but otherwise, deity name is rather hard for my mind to come by.

Why this crisis of faith? It's an interesting thing when one of the constants in your life proves not to be quite so constant anymore. There's no rule saying that Christians can't learn magic, after all...

It was the witch-cackle that did it. He laughed, then said that oh, but that was my laugh, not his. There was discussion.

[livejournal.com profile] votania was right. But he's not lost to magic forever; he's not lost to magic at all; and it wasn't a change.

He let me hold his hand for a while: physical contact, the easiest way for me to sort myself out. Then he let me rest my hand on his arm while he wrote. There has been no change, only a change in my perceptions.

There was a moment when he realized how our hands were touching (two of his fingers inside my hand) and said, "Insert bad sexual joke here." I grinned.

Why should it have bothered me so much at first? There's nothing wrong with the religion in and of itself. There are some people who are idiots who get far too carried away about it. My beloved best friend is in no way an idiot, and he gets along with other religions just fine.

I had to ask: was his religion and my religion an issue in why he and I would not make a good couple? His answer was actually rather vague, but had the general idea that no, it was not an issue.

What disturbed me, or disturbed me that it did not disturb me, was the way I was thinking about religion. I would never change religion-of-choice-and-name for Adam. If it were an issue, and something standing between Darkside and me, I could call myself anything. Putting a specific name to Deity has never been a hangup of mine; I've never had a name other than Raven to address It/Them/Him/Her by. Jesus was a very powerful instance of the Christ data type; it is expected of all, eventually, to recognize that they are the Other, and are thus responsible for all the karma of the world. Wicca is merely the closest convenient religious structure to where I am. I celebrate the holidays, chiefly the Summer and Winter solstice, because those were the holidays that I was raised with. (Interesting, actually, that a family with two diverse-backgrounded Christian parents would raise a family celebrating pagan holidays...) I celebrate Passover. I celebrate Samhein. I celebrate Lammas, Beltane, Yule, Litha. (My family marked the equinoxes too... and I still have trouble remembering the Wiccan holidays.)

I've never been hung up on what to call the divine spirit I know to be there, to be an integral part of myself, all others, and all the universe that is. Diane Duane's Spock's World mentions a Vulcan awareness of the divine; that's the closest I can come to stating an ultimate knowledge of faith. All else is human interpretation, and subject to individual perception.

My faith is unchanging, no matter the name put to it. If I had been raised Christian, I'd have remained Christian, with happy cross-cultural exchanges with my Wiccan (et cetera) friends. I wasn't raised much of anything, so I'm remaining not much of anything, calling myself Wiccan, because I believe in the principle that I should harm none, or as little as possible (I was raised on Spock's World, and have Surak's understanding of the practicalities), and I have no objection to the rites, and it's a simple, prepackaged way of explaining myself to others, should they wish to know my faith.

If becoming Christian were a condition that I would have to meet before Darkside would date me or marry me, I would sit down with the book and him, and discuss it deeply -- and, more likely than not, I would be Christian. If I could be monandrous for Darkside (and I would, if he wanted me to, and asked me to), then I could easily change the label I put to my faith. My faith itself has been unswerving from the time it was realized; the name is nothing.
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
3rd edition D&D. Gods. I must be insane. I have to do my research.

Fun

Aug. 6th, 2002 08:36 am
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
Adam stopped by last night. Fun was had, but, out of respect for Darkside, no actual sex.

Odd...

Aug. 6th, 2002 08:46 am
azurelunatic: Dying Spock saluting Kirk through heavy glass.  (spock)
"I love you" are words that don't get said to Adam anymore. We're drifting apart.

..."I love you" are words that don't so much need to be said to Darkside anymore, because he already knows.

Floating

Aug. 6th, 2002 01:10 pm
azurelunatic: Dying Spock saluting Kirk through heavy glass.  (spock)
I love him.

As long as something he adheres to is within the range that I find acceptable, and he would prefer that I comply with his range of acceptable, I can, and probably will.
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
I'm in a daze, a haze. I'm looking around at the rest of the world, and all I can see, all I know, is that I'm stronger and nicer than I thought I was, and that Darkside's more patient with my moods than he has any business being.

I don't care that he doesn't feel the same way towards me. It doesn't matter that he'd likely never consider marrying me, regardless of religion.

Faith is more important than religion, and it's important to sort the two out. Never mistake religion for faith.

I explained to Bob the only conflict I'd found between traditional Wicca and Christianity: Wicca tends to view the universe as physical and spiritual all in the same place at the same time. Christianity is a dualistic religion, and views the physical and spiritual as separate.

I suppose I see it close to being a layered drawing. You have your physical layer; you have your spiritual layer. Each would be incomplete without the other; it is possible to separate them to work on them.
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
Darkside, last I heard, seemed to be under the impression that I had been deeply disturbed by what he'd said.

I hadn't had a chance to sort through the disturbance yet. I must come to school tomorrow morning to share my mental journeys with him.

Safe Zone

Aug. 6th, 2002 02:57 pm
azurelunatic: Dying Spock saluting Kirk through heavy glass.  (spock)
Why so much emphasis on what Darkside wants rather than what I want? Why risk compromising myself for something he would prefer?

It's hardly a risk, with him. Of all my friends, Darkside is the most vigilant on noticing how I'm doing, if I'm all right, if something's bothering me. His "Is Azz all right?" alarms go off if I'm tired, if I'm quieter for longer than usual, if I say something completely out of the ordinary. He's worried that I'm too nice a person, that I can't defend myself well enough.

Perhaps that's been true. I've been trying to sort down what comes from where, in my mind. Whose ideas are those? Who wants me to believe this?

Of all my friends, Darkside and Dawn are the least likely to try to push their influences upon me, and therefore the most likely to influence me for the better that I choose to be. Darkside gives me a lecture if he perceives me to be hurting myself. His ideas of that tend to coincide with mine; I listen to him. He's closer to the way my parents tried to raise me than I am. I like my parents' ideals. I like the person I am around Darkside.

I trust Darkside to let me be myself, even, make sure that I am.

Therapy

Aug. 6th, 2002 04:59 pm
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
Before Nancy and I went out for Social Time, we always listened to this song. There were more of us. It was Etymologies, Clinton, Session One, 1995. I was the outsider on that little group, but I listened to this song.

Now, 2002, seven years later, I'm listening to this song to give myself courage to work through a little mental block of mine.

Nothing's going to change about the way I love my best friend. Nothing.
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
I'm now officially Single and Taken. [livejournal.com profile] ralmathon suggested a goal for me to set; I think it's time I started to get to it. [livejournal.com profile] votania asked me if I have what it takes to get there, more than a year ago, when we first moved in. I didn't then; I didn't have the focus, the dedication.

I have it now.

I saw a license plate this morning, one that told me that something was going to happen between the two parties in question today, but nothing that I'd expect, and I amused myself wondering what it would be. Nothing that I'd expect, that's for sure!

At any rate, this next little while is probably going to be battery-intensive.
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
Again, I've proven to be the last one to pick up on a clue. Bleh. [livejournal.com profile] votania knows everything....
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
It's time for the Lunatic to bow to popular demand and give up the fucking. It's a respect issue. Darkside cares about me no matter what I do, but he's programmed to have more respect for girls who don't sleep around. By not being in a formal relationship when having sex, I am screwing around.

We can't have that.

Let's see how long we can make this last.
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
Today, I realized that something that should have been one of the most important decisions of my life had already been made. I am head-over-heels in love with a monogamous man, and intend to someday marry him. I will always be polyamorous, but I think of him as my Primary; for the forseeable future, I will be concentrating all my attentions on him.

I am no longer seeing my former roommate/friend-with-benefits, because my Primary is uncomfortable with the situation.

We'll see how this goes.

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azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)
Azure Jane Lunatic (Azz) 🌺

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