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Felines...
Nov. 23rd, 2002 01:14 amThat cat is sneering at me. Or smirking. It's that "I'm perfectly aware that you're right there, but I'm not even going to deign to look at you" expression.
Nov. 23rd, 2002
The story doesn't start with Darkside, of course. The story starts with Alaska, in a Drama class and a Health class, in the fall of 1995.
I can summarize the parts of my high school that are important to the story of Darkside: BJ was in my health class, and we were friends; BJ loved me; Shawn was in my drama class and we were friends; I loved Shawn; River was just around; River and I got phenomenal, though very shy, crushes on each other.
BJ was the most obnoxious, irritating brat there was, with very little in the way of working social skills, and rather too much in the way of evangalism. I had to slap him before he woke up and saw that he was pissing off his friends and doing little to help the cause of his faith in being seen as a good thing rather than a haven of obnoxious morons.
I loved Shawn, and I was Shawn's best friend. Shawn and I had an affair; the affair ended in his engagement to another woman who I'd thought was my friend, and a 6-month+ depression for me. Before I was completely out of it, I had a new job, working at Sam's Club with BJ and River, and I had a relationship going on with River. This was 1999.
I spent the midnight at New Year's 2000 drinking suspiciously-alcoholic-tasting sparkling cider with BJ and his obnoxious family. Signs and portents: beware.
And "Beware the Ides of March", they say: and I should have. That was the day I kissed BJ, though April Fools' Day marks our official engagement: we knew we were to marry before we announced it. Through rising tensions, we moved in together, and planned to relocate to Arizona, where he and I would both attend DeVry: he would finish up his computer science degree, and I would get a degree in Business Information Systems, and we would have a happy little business together with BJ's best-friend-from-work. (I couldn't stand BJ's brother, didn't like his father, hated his cat, despised his mother, resented his computer-game obsession, was leery of his religion and church, and abhorred his taste in music.)
BJ and I departed home on Halloween 2000, and arrived in Phoenix. The apartment we were staying in was with BJ's friend, some DeVry student, and another random guy. That made five, in a two-bedroom apartment. It was crowded and increasingly uncomfortable. More tensions grew between BJ and me: squabbles over the computer, over housework and laundry, lack of sex, his mother, our wedding, his girlfriend: anything. I didn't trust him.
I can summarize the parts of my high school that are important to the story of Darkside: BJ was in my health class, and we were friends; BJ loved me; Shawn was in my drama class and we were friends; I loved Shawn; River was just around; River and I got phenomenal, though very shy, crushes on each other.
BJ was the most obnoxious, irritating brat there was, with very little in the way of working social skills, and rather too much in the way of evangalism. I had to slap him before he woke up and saw that he was pissing off his friends and doing little to help the cause of his faith in being seen as a good thing rather than a haven of obnoxious morons.
I loved Shawn, and I was Shawn's best friend. Shawn and I had an affair; the affair ended in his engagement to another woman who I'd thought was my friend, and a 6-month+ depression for me. Before I was completely out of it, I had a new job, working at Sam's Club with BJ and River, and I had a relationship going on with River. This was 1999.
I spent the midnight at New Year's 2000 drinking suspiciously-alcoholic-tasting sparkling cider with BJ and his obnoxious family. Signs and portents: beware.
And "Beware the Ides of March", they say: and I should have. That was the day I kissed BJ, though April Fools' Day marks our official engagement: we knew we were to marry before we announced it. Through rising tensions, we moved in together, and planned to relocate to Arizona, where he and I would both attend DeVry: he would finish up his computer science degree, and I would get a degree in Business Information Systems, and we would have a happy little business together with BJ's best-friend-from-work. (I couldn't stand BJ's brother, didn't like his father, hated his cat, despised his mother, resented his computer-game obsession, was leery of his religion and church, and abhorred his taste in music.)
BJ and I departed home on Halloween 2000, and arrived in Phoenix. The apartment we were staying in was with BJ's friend, some DeVry student, and another random guy. That made five, in a two-bedroom apartment. It was crowded and increasingly uncomfortable. More tensions grew between BJ and me: squabbles over the computer, over housework and laundry, lack of sex, his mother, our wedding, his girlfriend: anything. I didn't trust him.
How I Came to Meet Darkside: Darkside
Nov. 23rd, 2002 03:19 amEven when Darkside and I were finally at the same school as each other, it took an external force to introduce us. On the first day of school, I looked around the room. I saw preppies everywhere, and exactly two people who looked like they'd be worth taking the time to know: the skinny short Oriental guy with the limp, and the girl with the beat-up backpack and the leather trenchcoat.
She, of course, was![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
votania, and we were fast friends from that day on, after I made sure to stand with her in line for the freshman lunch, and we the newbie goths gathered, raven-dark and croaking, over our lunches on the steps in the courtyard. Votania and I were in all our classes together, of course, and she let me know that there was another one of Us in the school, one I hadn't met yet, and he and she had breakfast together in the mornings: I should come sometimes and hang out: I was more than welcome to.
One day, I did.
I was careful to try to not miss a day, after that. Darkside was witty, sharp, caustic, and a delight to spend time with. I developed an immediate minor crush on him, as he resembled someone back home who I'd had a crush on. The three of us meshed, clicked, worked excellently-well as a team. I had a detailed bond to each of them active at almost all hours of the day, not necessarily transmitting more than a carrier wave, just... connected.
One particular day, Darkside and I, for the first time, Worked together, just the two of us. The details of the Working are not particularly relevant, but the energy flow between us, the way our energies locked together as tightly and naturally as our hands, smooth, sweet and stunning, made me wonder why this had never happened before... Something happened, something was triggered, and I fell immediately into the worst stages of infatuation, goofily giggling and grinning all over the place. Votania and I figured out that something was unnaturally wrong, and managed to trace it to a bungled love spell from someone who thought he was doing Darkside a favor. (Late-breaking wonderment: was it something old that got triggered??? From not-shrimpy??) She removed it from me, but by that point, what had happened had happened, and my subsequent love for Darkside was all mine.
Things got worse with BJ, and I spent more and more time on the phone with Votania, and especially on the phone with Darkside, late-night hours sitting outside on the balcony, stargazing, shivering, lighting lotus incense, spilling myself out in words, letting him return with bits of himself. There wasn't much of him, at first, in the torrent of anime-geekery and movies, but bit by bit, he started to show who he was, by his words and silences. He learned me, and I learned him, and we both learned to resent BJ, for being engaged to me, not appreciating me though claiming to worship me -- and to resent Shawn, for having me, and not holding me... for breaking me, and not building me.
It was partly BJ who helped trigger the bizarrity, by pointing out that Darkside was in love with Votania. She and I girl-talked over it. I realized how very much I failed to trust BJ, and broke up with him. Votania and I girl-talked more, and things fell out so that I told Darkside, one day, how I felt for him.
He had to take a while to think about it. For the sake of Votania, I didn't kiss him that day, because she deserved a chance at him too...
The mechanics of things thereafter are complex enough that they make a story in themselves. He and Votania wound up together, and made an adorable couple. I tried to not hurt too hard, and they made sure to hug me as much as I needed, which went a long way towards healing some of the Shawn-inflicted damage that happened when Shawn chose his bride over me.
The three of us grew closer. Darkside and I grew closer as well. Long conversations with him were the rule, rather than the exception. (Evidently that was not always the case, with him and Votania...) After I moved into my new apartment, away from BJ, Darkside sat up two hours past his bedtime comforting me as I cried on the phone, telling him all about Shawn, and what happened on Terrible Tuesday. I stopped stuttering about that, as much, afterwards.
It was the spring of 2001, only five short months after moving to Phoenix. So much had happened. I barely remembered my self-that-was.
votania's car began to die. She had to move closer to school. She and I moved in together. She and Darkside broke up. I tried to give Darkside time, and space, to heal. I started an online journal. His family moved a good 40 miles from school, making his commutes longer, more wearying, moving him out of the same neighborhood as his high school best and only friend. He stopped talking about his best friend so much. Votania's car broke down. Our childcare situation fell through, and Votania had to withdraw from school. It was just him and me, together, after that, in the mornings.
We grew close. I gained best friend status. Our normal silly battering of each other turned into heated grudge-matches. We learned about each other. I gave him someone to talk to. He held my hand and helped me heal. I helped him not be lonely. We've grown together.
She, of course, was
votania, and we were fast friends from that day on, after I made sure to stand with her in line for the freshman lunch, and we the newbie goths gathered, raven-dark and croaking, over our lunches on the steps in the courtyard. Votania and I were in all our classes together, of course, and she let me know that there was another one of Us in the school, one I hadn't met yet, and he and she had breakfast together in the mornings: I should come sometimes and hang out: I was more than welcome to. One day, I did.
I was careful to try to not miss a day, after that. Darkside was witty, sharp, caustic, and a delight to spend time with. I developed an immediate minor crush on him, as he resembled someone back home who I'd had a crush on. The three of us meshed, clicked, worked excellently-well as a team. I had a detailed bond to each of them active at almost all hours of the day, not necessarily transmitting more than a carrier wave, just... connected.
One particular day, Darkside and I, for the first time, Worked together, just the two of us. The details of the Working are not particularly relevant, but the energy flow between us, the way our energies locked together as tightly and naturally as our hands, smooth, sweet and stunning, made me wonder why this had never happened before... Something happened, something was triggered, and I fell immediately into the worst stages of infatuation, goofily giggling and grinning all over the place. Votania and I figured out that something was unnaturally wrong, and managed to trace it to a bungled love spell from someone who thought he was doing Darkside a favor. (Late-breaking wonderment: was it something old that got triggered??? From not-shrimpy??) She removed it from me, but by that point, what had happened had happened, and my subsequent love for Darkside was all mine.
Things got worse with BJ, and I spent more and more time on the phone with Votania, and especially on the phone with Darkside, late-night hours sitting outside on the balcony, stargazing, shivering, lighting lotus incense, spilling myself out in words, letting him return with bits of himself. There wasn't much of him, at first, in the torrent of anime-geekery and movies, but bit by bit, he started to show who he was, by his words and silences. He learned me, and I learned him, and we both learned to resent BJ, for being engaged to me, not appreciating me though claiming to worship me -- and to resent Shawn, for having me, and not holding me... for breaking me, and not building me.
It was partly BJ who helped trigger the bizarrity, by pointing out that Darkside was in love with Votania. She and I girl-talked over it. I realized how very much I failed to trust BJ, and broke up with him. Votania and I girl-talked more, and things fell out so that I told Darkside, one day, how I felt for him.
He had to take a while to think about it. For the sake of Votania, I didn't kiss him that day, because she deserved a chance at him too...
The mechanics of things thereafter are complex enough that they make a story in themselves. He and Votania wound up together, and made an adorable couple. I tried to not hurt too hard, and they made sure to hug me as much as I needed, which went a long way towards healing some of the Shawn-inflicted damage that happened when Shawn chose his bride over me.
The three of us grew closer. Darkside and I grew closer as well. Long conversations with him were the rule, rather than the exception. (Evidently that was not always the case, with him and Votania...) After I moved into my new apartment, away from BJ, Darkside sat up two hours past his bedtime comforting me as I cried on the phone, telling him all about Shawn, and what happened on Terrible Tuesday. I stopped stuttering about that, as much, afterwards.
It was the spring of 2001, only five short months after moving to Phoenix. So much had happened. I barely remembered my self-that-was.
votania's car began to die. She had to move closer to school. She and I moved in together. She and Darkside broke up. I tried to give Darkside time, and space, to heal. I started an online journal. His family moved a good 40 miles from school, making his commutes longer, more wearying, moving him out of the same neighborhood as his high school best and only friend. He stopped talking about his best friend so much. Votania's car broke down. Our childcare situation fell through, and Votania had to withdraw from school. It was just him and me, together, after that, in the mornings. We grew close. I gained best friend status. Our normal silly battering of each other turned into heated grudge-matches. We learned about each other. I gave him someone to talk to. He held my hand and helped me heal. I helped him not be lonely. We've grown together.
Went to bed at... well, we can see the time on my last entry. Am now awake.
Woke up about twenty ago, with a sick ex. He ate something very not-good for him, and, having already had his stomach emptied for him, is curled up on the floor looking much less bad than he did when he came in, but still not ready to run any marathons.
Woke up about twenty ago, with a sick ex. He ate something very not-good for him, and, having already had his stomach emptied for him, is curled up on the floor looking much less bad than he did when he came in, but still not ready to run any marathons.
Mmm, gossip
Nov. 23rd, 2002 04:01 pmIt's good to have a nice home-town gossip with someone who knows the same people, more or less... there's just something about a small town.
Even if it is a whole state.
Close the damn school, pfui!
Even if it is a whole state.
Close the damn school, pfui!
(no subject)
Nov. 23rd, 2002 08:26 pmSometimes, I disgust myself.
I have given myself Ekaterin's betrayal: loss of self for sake of touch.
I have given myself Ekaterin's betrayal: loss of self for sake of touch.