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No few of these were because I either did it and then thought better of it, or because I thought about it, caught myself giggling about it for longer than ten seconds, and either did it anyway, or assumed I shouldn't do it.
Part 7
Part 9
Part 7
- Cannot teleport my Overlady to a cupcake shop. This isn't a rule against it, but a reminder to try harder when attempting to teleport someone.
- Not allowed to work the first two weeks of the new year because austerity.
- Required to report in to Overlady so she doesn't have to send a search party to IKEA.
- Shouldn't make it necessary to call my manager and have her rescue me when my commute goes horribly wrong.
- Double the above when it's the day of a big meeting.
- Required to keep a very close eye on catering on account of their ability to follow simple instructions.
- Can't upload a spreadsheet with live data into the whole-company-visible Bugzilla.
- Not allowed to set anyone on fire for resolved-fixed-ing my bug when nothing has been actually fixed, just the live data removed.
- Not allowed to get drunk at work, even if it is a bad day -- but the boozy chocolate cherries are a pretty good compromise.
- Not allowed to give my Overlady caffeine poisoning.
- Shouldn't be finding porcelain shards in the bathrooms.
- "...throwing 502s at the users like beads at a Mardi Gras parade, and us all without shirts" is an evocative phrase that doesn't belong in a support ticket.
- An official feature should never depend on a plugin.
- I am not in fact on the Kipper team, I just complain about it often enough to be mistaken for one of them.
- Any problem that requires no fewer than three of the helpdesk guys is pretty spectacular.
- I must never again forget to clear my cache when troubleshooting.
- I am allowed to score a point when it turns out that it re-occurs after clearing cache.
- Don't google random things at work.
- Any sentence beginning "There exists a video on YouTube..." rarely ends well.
- Recounting any story that occurs after the "don't google random things at work" rule has been violated is likely to break my manager's brain.
- If my brain is dead of tired, there is absolutely no reason for me to remain at work any longer than necessary. Many things can be done in the morning.
- If any software-caused effect is so weird as to require proof in the form of a second witness that you're not hallucinating it, it should be filed as a bug.
- An object in motion tends to stay in motion until acted upon by your head.
- Any mood where the verb-of-best-fit for interactions with co-workers is "inflict" means it's time to go home.
- If my co-workers see me with that little smile and ask what I was thinking, no one can say they weren't warned.
- I am not a chocolate-based life form.
- Not allowed to have data loss encompassing a large part of my to-do list.
- Exploring the theme of which co-workers I would cheerfully get it on with (assuming they were also up for it) sounds like an invitation to a bad party that also includes HR.
- "Back that thang up" is on topic at work, due to the parking situation.
- Not required to be present in person for the last-minute meeting.
- Not allowed to scream at whoever made our room go away with no notice.
- Not allowed to scream at whoever was responsible for the wrong catering order showing up.
- Not allowed to scream at whoever was responsible for the moldy cheese in the right catering order.
- Now required to be onsite for major meetings if at all practical, if not in the room.
- Bailey's is a good beverage pairing with peanut-butter-and-chocolate candy.
- "$PROGRAM is a verb" sounds more polite as a catchphrase than many of the other possibilities, in that it's not immediately insulting until you know what the program is capable of doing.
- Inability to spell my Overlady's name correctly is a predictor of badness later.
- People who don't know how to drive a bugzilla maybe shouldn't be in charge of one.
- Screaming regarding catering problems can be delegated to the catering manager.
- If the Stage Manager raids my candy drawer, I should keep this drawer more tidy.
- Not allowed to create an "overly hostile tissue box".
- Still not allowed to set the developers of That Damn App on fire, with my mind, or with any other tool.
- "Everloving" has the same scansion as "motherfucking".
- Spelling flames in email lists are far more entertaining when the culprit is my least favorite application.
- Can and will book conference rooms for work holidays, assuming any of the attending parties are willing to show up.
- I am happy to be the bad cop if my manager is willing to be the worse cop.
- Should probably not explain the sign for That App to its developers. (The initial, and then the sign for "conflagration". Or clusters of "fuck" and finger snaps.)
- Can't go by "Azure" at work, because that's the wrong cloud.
- Nested $APP inside my $APP does not please me, but it's a really funny screenshot.
- "Critical" is a nice severity, though saving "Catastrophic" for best doesn't help if the "Critical" is actually nonfunctional for the job it's intended to do.
- Not allowed to terrify the Nervous Dev.
- Should not have a highlight color that's impossible to read through.
- May imply "what the blue-and-purple checkered expletive is this nonsense" by highlight colors, but should not say so outright to the devs.
Part 9
