Furious

So.

Adam and I are officially broken up, right? Riiiight. So how come he and I spent at least an hour and a half making out today? He came within half a centimeter, half a centimeter or less, of losing his virginity.

So tonight he's going out with V*. This would be his evil ex, the one who I don't like at all, at all, at all. Iroshi, this would be... the one. You know who.

He's going to go watch a movie at her house and spend the night.

I am not happy. I am not fucking happy. I'm furious, in fact.

I don't know her. I don't have to know her. I don't need to know her. I don't want to know her. Just overhearing her talk to him, over-feeling the way he gets around her... I don't like it. I don't have any scientific basis for feeling this, so it doesn't count. I would rather see him fuck a hooker from Van Buren than go back with Valerie.

Why? In the words of Han Solo, "I've got a bad feeling about this."

!!

Why, WHY, WHY do I feel this way about her? I don't know her, I don't like her, and I don't know why. I have no problem with sharing him with other women. Just ... Valerie.

I don't know... if he gets it on with her again, he runs the chance of never getting it on with me again. I don't trust her. I don't like her. She gives me a baaaad feeling. I'm sure he knows her better, but... still. She does the same sorts of things to his sanity level that his parents do.

I don't like this.

I don't like this on toast.

Peaceful Sleep

I finally crashed out around two in the morning, still dreadfully upset.

In the light of day I can better see what's bugging me.

This is the woman who fucked with Adam's brain so badly that he got unprecedentedly horrific grades in school, which caused the entire restriction issue with his parents, put him under academic close scrutiny, which also affects the security of his lab aide job, as you have to have a certain GPA in order to remain a lab tech. His job, of course, is keeping him in school and paying for his laptop computer.

If this woman does what she did so well last time, even half as well, she could cause all of his academic career to come crashing down around his ears.

But that's not everything. That is manageable. I don't know the rest. I don't know half of the rest. From what he's told me, though, everything in this woman's life gets slurped into a whirlpool of general disorder and confusion. A person should only be dealing with one of those sorts of people at a time.

I just remember how absolutely fucked-up River was after dealing with Dara, and how he was still bonkers over her, even though every time she got near him she destroyed bits and pieces of his life. That's something a woman doesn't always know how to deal with. Your wonderful man is breaking himself to bits over someone who may be a nice person, but who acts like a complete bitch around him?

People reveal their true natures in the way that they act. I have an enormous streak of absolute cruelty in me. I try to avoid letting it manifest. I can be a wonderfully nice person, but even if my friends are not aware of my cruel nature, I always am. If someone acts like a complete poopy-head to one of my friends, I will always be aware that it's inherent in their nature that they can be a complete poopy-head. There may be other wonderful things that they do, but somewhere in there, there's that complete poopy-head who will come out from time to time. You just must be very cautious around them to avoid that flaming asshole nature of theirs.

The damage that was inflicted on Adam's heart was great enough that I don't trust his good sense and perceptions around her. I trust him to be safe around anyone BUT his immediate family and Valerie. With them, he's got long-standing and deep psychological issues that I don't want to touch with a ten-foot asbestos pole. I'm not a trained psychiatrist, psychologist, or even counselor. All I've got to my name in that respect is that I have been legally ordained a minister in the state of California through the Universal Life Church, but that's just a formal legal recognition of my kinship with the Divine, which I share with every other human (et cetera) on the planet; I just happen to be aware of it. I've felt Adam before; I've felt around inside his heart on occasion. I don't trust him with her, not alone... not at all.

Polyamory has a concept called the veto, where you can say No! or Absolutely, positively NOT! to a relationship your partner wants to have. It's one of the most debated things... some people won't touch veto, some people have to have it, some people think it's too controlling ...

Out of all the people in the world, most of the people I would veto Adam from if I had that power, most of those he would stay away from on his own.

Most of.

Valerie is an exception, and I don't like the idea of her being near my dear friend.

She's probably a really wonderful girl once you get to know her, but I haven't gotten to know her. A wonderful girl with some deep-seated psychological issues. Aren't they all? That still doesn't mean it's a good idea to get deeply entangled with them again.

So fucking what if this is a long jealous post?

I wish I could make Adam understand that it's not the concept of sharing him with another woman that makes me nervous. He pointed out that I had no problem sharing him with teenagewitch. Of course not. She's my friend and Adam's sane around her and she's a generally nice person. If Adam weren't sane around her, if he allowed himself to be dragged into the middle of all that pain of hers, the pain she's bravely fighting to survive and break free of, if he had no choice but to be dragged into the middle of that terrifying pain, to see it from the inside -- I would have vetoed her with a quickness. Same goes for any other woman.

Hell, if I fell back into Shawn's illusion, and dragged Adam along with me, I'd veto me.

Useful quasi-surreal phrase...

courtesy of the randomizer and sixftblndbmbshl's livejournal...

"I'm being a statement outside approved channels."

Cleaning

I spent a good half-hour this morning cleaning Tigereye's fan. All this grime and dirt... the fan is the filthiest part of the computer, and it collects unbelievable grime out of the air.

She sounds a lot better this morning. Her transformer cord broke again, so I broke out the clear tape.

Nope, this isn't good either.

( Cut edited in 2002.12.04 for sanity reasons )

This is just beautiful.

teenagewitch didn't go home at noon when she was planning to, and her mother got what we Market Research people technically call "irate". She called and left some polite and exceptionally rude messages, after being rude to me on the phone in the first place. This was when Alan, Votania, and I were taking Rana home. When Votania and Alan and I got back, Sabrina was on the phone with her mother, telling her mother precisely what her plans were, in that she's going back home to Colorado.

Sabrina's mother is now claiming that Sabrina is a wayward, confused child under her care, and that she's stolen a necklace of Sabrina's grandmother's. She's got all of Sabrina's stuff that's not in Colorado or here in the apartment, and she's going to hold onto it, including Social Security card and birth certificate, until Sabrina ... we don't know what is the "until" value. Sabrina will be contacting the police tomorrow morning to attempt to regain her property.

Sabrina's mother is also threatening to tell the Dean at school that I am a Bad Influence on her darling (eighteen year old) baby girl, to get me in trouble at school. I may not be in exceptional academic standing, but I am well-liked by my teachers in all of my classes. I make Ron crack up laughing, Van Zwol looks to me for the usual smartass comments, Walker doesn't dislike me, and Goff despairs about my academics but enjoys my company. Sabrina's mother is also threatening Adam and Neighbor in the same fashion.

Lovely, no?

I called Adam and gave him a heads-up on the situation. Miss W* is not to be allowed entry to this Temple, and if she persists, Sabrina is to not hesitate to call 911 to get rid of her mother.

Ah, my bestest friend.

Called Darkside at the usual hour (8:45, apprx) to update him on the wonderful world of Azure.

At one point in his spotty career-path past, Darkside had thought of being a lawyer, and had taken some law courses. Yay Darkside! Slander is ... actionable. Gosh. Who'da thunk?

Darkside and I also talked about Harry Potter, how fast a reader he is, how he can't put some books down, and how if he wasn't getting any sleep, I might drag him forcibly to bed. He pointed out several flaws in my scenario-spinning. He left to go take a shower and get to bed.

If he leaves without giving me any of his contact information, I will be hugely upset.

Darkside

He is the cool wind on a still day.