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Nov. 16th, 2002
You know...
Nov. 16th, 2002 12:49 am...I don't think the crowbar joke is going to hurt anymore, now that I know how reciprocal it has to be, for him to mention it and be joking.
Like all good jokes, it's only a half-joke. It would take a crowbar to pry me off him: we both know this. But, as he can say it as a joke, this means that he wouldn't pry me from him: not with a crowbar, not with the powers of pursuasion and detachment that we both know he has at his disposal: the power to distance himself from others, practiced many years. And again, like all good jokes, it's double, even triple, edged. I wouldn't, couldn't bring myself to, dislodge him from me, as he's attached just as tightly. Not as obviously, but perhaps he holds all the more tightly to the edges of my mind, the center of my heart, for his dearth of other people to be intimate with... It would take far more than a crowbar to dislodge him, now that he is becoming convinced that he has me, and that I do not wish to let go either.
Like all good jokes, it's only a half-joke. It would take a crowbar to pry me off him: we both know this. But, as he can say it as a joke, this means that he wouldn't pry me from him: not with a crowbar, not with the powers of pursuasion and detachment that we both know he has at his disposal: the power to distance himself from others, practiced many years. And again, like all good jokes, it's double, even triple, edged. I wouldn't, couldn't bring myself to, dislodge him from me, as he's attached just as tightly. Not as obviously, but perhaps he holds all the more tightly to the edges of my mind, the center of my heart, for his dearth of other people to be intimate with... It would take far more than a crowbar to dislodge him, now that he is becoming convinced that he has me, and that I do not wish to let go either.
Up & Drunk:
Nov. 16th, 2002 01:48 amThe joys of life are worth, more than worth, the worries and inconveniences.
Darkside really does care.
Computers can really suck sometimes.
I am bad at installing programs.
I miss my birdies.
Shamash is grouchy that I threw out that big brown chair, because he liked to sit in it and lick himself.
Darkside really does care.
Computers can really suck sometimes.
I am bad at installing programs.
I miss my birdies.
Shamash is grouchy that I threw out that big brown chair, because he liked to sit in it and lick himself.
I was working out in the high school training room with someone, on what looked like a bunch of gymnastics bars made out of 2x4's, marked off in regular square and rectangular grids. My partner was commenting on my form, saying that I was mostly using the strict square superhero bar/fighting choreography, but occasionally I would go into the more rectangular, casual, and crossing-over Harry Potter choreography, and that was good, to throw surprise and my own style into things; every now and then I'd depart from the choreography and use [martial art with Oriental name].
I seemed to have been Spiderman for a while, upon which fact I reflected getting on the bus: since becoming Spiderman in high school, my duties were just training, and being visible at the school.
Stuff happened, including the cleanup of old nasty dishes in the huge room that was home or something like it, and the pouring chemicals that mixed badly together. We evacuated, leaving the ancient cat whose fault it had been up there. We saw the white clouds billowing out the window, and then the cat shot out, landing in the big snow pile on the leach field.
Stuff happened.
I have a vague impression of more dreams... ahyes. This was a sequel to another dream, though I didn't recognize it for a while. I was still Spiderman, and then Aunt-Fayoumis came and picked me up, and drove me through the confusing hotel district. I saw that shop on the corner, which had some inscription that was the name, and below that, "Amythyst", that being their specialty, and below that, "Amber", that being the name of the proprietress. There was a stained-glass window, and the shop was white: it looked like that half-timbered style. Driving further on, there was the hotel with the fountain and the peacocks, which turned out to be artificial: stuffed birds. But the next hotel had the hen with the chicks in the yard, and I petted them and paid my respects as we drove by.
We took a left turn, and then right into the rest stop/motel that Mama was staying at. The room was empty (I could feel) but I saw her sneakers under the high door that blocked off the bathroom and called to her; she finished drying her hands and came out. In the room there actually was the lady who Mama'd been talking to in our absence, over those few days, and her brand new baby.
Then I woke up.
The dream was a sequel in that I'd left this place, going past those other places, off to do stuff, in a dream some time before. Not sure when, but Before...
There was another dream, when I went to sleep after that, and I'm sure that it involved Darkside, and he of course was my partner for something, but I'm not sure what. He's always my partner. Crowbars are ineffective.
I seemed to have been Spiderman for a while, upon which fact I reflected getting on the bus: since becoming Spiderman in high school, my duties were just training, and being visible at the school.
Stuff happened, including the cleanup of old nasty dishes in the huge room that was home or something like it, and the pouring chemicals that mixed badly together. We evacuated, leaving the ancient cat whose fault it had been up there. We saw the white clouds billowing out the window, and then the cat shot out, landing in the big snow pile on the leach field.
Stuff happened.
I have a vague impression of more dreams... ahyes. This was a sequel to another dream, though I didn't recognize it for a while. I was still Spiderman, and then Aunt-Fayoumis came and picked me up, and drove me through the confusing hotel district. I saw that shop on the corner, which had some inscription that was the name, and below that, "Amythyst", that being their specialty, and below that, "Amber", that being the name of the proprietress. There was a stained-glass window, and the shop was white: it looked like that half-timbered style. Driving further on, there was the hotel with the fountain and the peacocks, which turned out to be artificial: stuffed birds. But the next hotel had the hen with the chicks in the yard, and I petted them and paid my respects as we drove by.
We took a left turn, and then right into the rest stop/motel that Mama was staying at. The room was empty (I could feel) but I saw her sneakers under the high door that blocked off the bathroom and called to her; she finished drying her hands and came out. In the room there actually was the lady who Mama'd been talking to in our absence, over those few days, and her brand new baby.
Then I woke up.
The dream was a sequel in that I'd left this place, going past those other places, off to do stuff, in a dream some time before. Not sure when, but Before...
There was another dream, when I went to sleep after that, and I'm sure that it involved Darkside, and he of course was my partner for something, but I'm not sure what. He's always my partner. Crowbars are ineffective.
"It's not fun to look at a little bottle or two and think "this is my sanity". But it's not, really. It's just something that enables you to function fully in a culture that's forgotten what to do with folks like us. One of these days they'll remember--or we'll figure it out and make them take us seriously as we are, and not as they think we should be."
I'd like to figure it out soon, please. Not all of this hiding in my room is due to the illness.
I'd like to figure it out soon, please. Not all of this hiding in my room is due to the illness.
Darkside and I were sitting on the beat-up couch-bench outside the computer lab, waiting for Votania. There was a moment where our eyes met, and we both knew how very much we wanted to kiss.
We both turned away. "It would break her heart," I said, and he agreed with me, and we didn't touch.
We both turned away. "It would break her heart," I said, and he agreed with me, and we didn't touch.
The memory of us singing together that I find most amusing was from driving to pick up Votania to go to the renfair on the first day that we were going, back in 2001. He had an Olivia Newton John tape (his dad's) in his car.
I was multiple at this time, more strongly so than now, and in the shower that night, I got the extended version of the debate over Darkside's taste in music. Mona thought it was sweet. Joan-prime kind of liked it... Azz thought it SUCKED! Shanna was laughing too hard to put a vote in.
...Those had to have been among the most difficult several weeks in my life. Not only was I alone and lonely, I was in love: with someone who was taken, someone who couldn't completely stop sending the signals at me, just as I was sending them right back at him, though we were both pretending we weren't, for the sakes of propriety and friendship...
I suppose that was when he learned to ignore it. He learned other things, too, of great value. I regret Shawn not for my love of the time, but for the fact that he was and is an ass, and I have only recently learned how to see that...
I wonder what would have happened had Shawn and I parted ways at the end of that summer, with me going off to college elsewhere, him remaining in Fairbanks. We never would have had that blowup around January...
( Uncomfortable parallels in Darkside's rebound with my recovery from Shawn )
I was multiple at this time, more strongly so than now, and in the shower that night, I got the extended version of the debate over Darkside's taste in music. Mona thought it was sweet. Joan-prime kind of liked it... Azz thought it SUCKED! Shanna was laughing too hard to put a vote in.
...Those had to have been among the most difficult several weeks in my life. Not only was I alone and lonely, I was in love: with someone who was taken, someone who couldn't completely stop sending the signals at me, just as I was sending them right back at him, though we were both pretending we weren't, for the sakes of propriety and friendship...
I suppose that was when he learned to ignore it. He learned other things, too, of great value. I regret Shawn not for my love of the time, but for the fact that he was and is an ass, and I have only recently learned how to see that...
I wonder what would have happened had Shawn and I parted ways at the end of that summer, with me going off to college elsewhere, him remaining in Fairbanks. We never would have had that blowup around January...
( Uncomfortable parallels in Darkside's rebound with my recovery from Shawn )
Afternoon; chain of ass-kicking
Nov. 16th, 2002 07:33 pmThe rest of the family is out getting a family portrait thing. ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
digitalambience dropped by to give me a shirt of mine that had gotten mixed in with his stuff when he was moving out. He stayed and chatted for a while. We figured out a chain of ass-kicking: it stretches from digitalambience's friend V to Bald Guy, incorporating a good portion of the Temple and many of my friends.
Let's see. V would like to kick my ass on general principle, I have an exasperated younger sisterly kick to deliver to the ass ofralmathon, who has a loving brotherly kick for the ass of votania, who has a protective, "get your ass in gear, you lamer, and stop toying with the affections of my sister" kick to deliver to Darkside, who has a "You don't get away with treating MY FRIEND JOANIE like that no matter how bad your temper is nor how brattily she was behaving" kick to deliver to digitalambience, who needs to kick Bald Guy's ass because Bald Guy has been asking for it.
Dawn's been working on her invitations. She inquired after titles for mine, guessing Ms. rather than Miss; actually, I said, it was Rev. ...
digitalambience dropped by to give me a shirt of mine that had gotten mixed in with his stuff when he was moving out. He stayed and chatted for a while. We figured out a chain of ass-kicking: it stretches from digitalambience's friend V to Bald Guy, incorporating a good portion of the Temple and many of my friends. Let's see. V would like to kick my ass on general principle, I have an exasperated younger sisterly kick to deliver to the ass of
ralmathon, who has a loving brotherly kick for the ass of votania, who has a protective, "get your ass in gear, you lamer, and stop toying with the affections of my sister" kick to deliver to Darkside, who has a "You don't get away with treating MY FRIEND JOANIE like that no matter how bad your temper is nor how brattily she was behaving" kick to deliver to digitalambience, who needs to kick Bald Guy's ass because Bald Guy has been asking for it. Dawn's been working on her invitations. She inquired after titles for mine, guessing Ms. rather than Miss; actually, I said, it was Rev. ...
Suffice to say that friends-related shit has gone down, and someone has earned irritation. Darkside was none too pleased with the situation, and was sufficiently upset to call yours truly a "moron", and was a little more grouchy than comfort-giving, as he's seen me hurt and given comfort with this person far too many times, and has counselled me time and again that they're not good for me.
And I disregard what he says, and he's right, I must be missing a few brain cells.
And I disregard what he says, and he's right, I must be missing a few brain cells.
How the fact that someone had promised his roommate that he'd do these two things could slip his mind so that he was still elsewhere and otherwise occupied two hours later is beyond me. But it happened. And I'm kind of irritated that I was the distraction that was the reason that things didn't get done and time-critical promises got broken.
On a note far happier:
Nov. 16th, 2002 11:52 pmThe afghan I started in 1999 for my then-boyfriend River is now finished. It's a vague granny square pattern in white, lavender, purple, and black, and is as wide as I am tall, and is considerably longer. It's a huge monster of a blanket, and I love it, and I'll be giving it to River and Narcissa the next time it's convenient.
I was happily working on it on the night of the company Christmas party in 1999 when Santa Claus came in on a forklift. Someone had a forklift with a pallet on it, with the lift raised up way up high, and on the pallet there was an armchair, and in the armchair was none other than Jolly Old St. Nick! He distributed presents, and there were pictures of people sitting on Santa's lap.
I think Mama has the polaroid around somewhere.
I was happily working on it on the night of the company Christmas party in 1999 when Santa Claus came in on a forklift. Someone had a forklift with a pallet on it, with the lift raised up way up high, and on the pallet there was an armchair, and in the armchair was none other than Jolly Old St. Nick! He distributed presents, and there were pictures of people sitting on Santa's lap.
I think Mama has the polaroid around somewhere.